Desperate need of help with 4 year old

[Sycamore76]

I have a lovely affectionate nearly 4 year old but I am having so much trouble with him with socialising . Yet again I am feeling tearful and down after another failed play date . He can't seem to share even though he tries at first and we have chats about it . The thing that concerns me is his need to be first at everything from making play doh to going on the slide , scooting with a friend etc. he will have a screaming meltdown if he can't go first . Can anyone suggest anything to help with this? Have I done something wrong along the line with parenting ? I just want him to be a nice child. He is not sleeping well as he keeps messing around when I put him to bed at 7pm. And he also has six month old baby sister who wakes during the night most nights . That said I have always had trouble with him at toddler groups since a young age ( pushing etc ) he doesn't do this anymore thankfully . I am
Just so worried about the socialising . He goes to pre school
Two days per week and they haven't raised any concerns . Could he be struggling with special needs ?its so upsetting as he doesn't seen to make friends easily .

I think you should get a professional opinion and suggestions. Maybe it's nothing, maybe he is struggling with special needs, no-one here can say.
Wish you it sorts out soon

How is his speech and understanding?

If you are concerned about his development I would visit the gp and raise your concerns. However it's very common at age 3 and 4 to struggle with sharing and taking turns.

Just wondered if anyone has been through similar . He seems fine at pre school it's just play dates .

His speech is fine and has really come on recently . He never use to have so many meltdowns , it's a new thing .

My ds is 3.5 and has similar issues with sharing but he has lots of other problems too and a speech delay and has recently been diagnosed with autism. However I wouldn't necessarily assume some kind of special needs because a child is struggling to share especially if their speech and other development is generally good. It is really really difficult though when you're the parent of the child who just can't get it and I feel for you.

Thank you for that fairlylea. I will take him for a doctors check. Was your son ok at nursery ? It's hard isn't it ? Makes you feel very lovely as most mums enjoy getting out for them . I avoid them most of the time which is hard and not fair on ds

Hello Sycamore

I read your post and thought it sounded similar to several little boys I know, including my own of about the same age. I wondered about a couple of things:

-are play dates that 'fail' at your house or elsewhere? My DS can be very possessive at home when he's charming and delightful elsewhere. Friends with similar little boys all agree that when they're on home turf they're worse.... Could play dates be held on more neutral territory where all concerned are feeling less tense?

-have you asked preschool about friendships and people he regularly interacts with? I find it quite difficult to talk to the ladies at my son's preschool because its always so busy and I often come away feeling a bit brushed off and as though I haven't really got the answers I want... maybe arrange a meeting with the key person and have some pre-considered questions to help you explore what really happens in his day when you're not around....

-maybe talk to your health visitor. You say you have a six month old too, so I imagine you have access to a health visitor/team. They can often also be found lurking at local authority children's centres. They should be able to give you some good guidance on what is normal for the age - and I must say it sounds to me like your DS is not outside the bounds of normal. That said I'm not an early years professional so I agree with those that have said you should seek further advice.

-have you tried 'positive behaviour management' techniques? This includes strategies such as 'tactical ignoring' of poor behaviour and trying where at all possible to notice and praise the positive. We've found that a star chart works well, but to get going we had to be prepared to reward the smallest of things and really try to ignore or downplay some really silly/poor behaviour. Rewards need to initially be easily achievable but you can gradually raise your expectations. Make sure you notice and praise even the smallest positive choices.

All that said, I know it can be depressing and embarrassing when play dates don't work and other children seem so much more sociable. Its really important to try to relax and your son will pick up on your tension and you should remember that the other parent is probably just relieved its not their child this time!

Fifthcipofcoffee - thank you for this , if is very helpful . I know he has a couple of friends at nursery but they seem to fall out a lot ! We are having a birthday party for him to try and improve friendships . I will try and get an app with the key worker . I have raised it before and they tell me he plays with most people ! Who knows . Play dates are always a nightmare at mine , which is a shame as we invested in some swings and play stuff in the garden . He starts off well but them it goes wrong , it's almost like he is jealous of what the other kid is doing ! Park usually works better but today was really hard work as he was wanting to do everything first , has to be first on slide , roundabout , scooting etc.
I don't think we have spoilt him and I don't give in to tantrums so really don't know . Tomorrow we will just stay on our own as it's easier but it's so depressing not having some company . He is really tired today so maybe he is worse because of this .

Rereading yours posts Sycamore, I wonder if the behaviour of your son isn't a reaction to the arrival of a baby in the family? I've also got a 5 month old and have found I've had to deal with lots of nonsense because the first one is anxious about being replaced/put in second place- perhaps this is why he's son keen to go first? Perhaps the best way to tackle this is to think about ways of making your son feel like he is still number 1 and still a priority for you? Are there any instances where the baby could wait whilst you deal with your son first? Good luck!

I think it's quite normal for children to struggle to share their own toys and play equipment. They may start off with the best intentions and then it goes downhill when they see the other child enjoying themselves and wanting to have a go themselves. I've watched children at playgroups really get very worked up at this age.

Tiredness will probably make his behaviour worse so he finds it harder to control those impulses. Think carefully about when playdates take place. So try to do them at the optimum time during the day for him. Make sure you have a ready supply of snacks as well as this can help reduce tension as it distracts from the moment.

One technique to try is to use a timer so that one child gets a toy until the timer goes off and then they swap over. Or ask him to choose which toys he doesn't want another child to play with and put it away before they come (a particularly special toy, not everything in the house).

Do you play games with him at home? (Like simple board games?) Does he take turns nicely with you? Do you always let him go first? Practise games where he doesn't always go first. Insist on sticking to the rules - don't 'let' him win (if you do this, which we certainly used to do). This may mean a few games ending in tears but it is an important lesson to learn.

I would definitely ask what they say at nursery about him as well. Is he able to take turns - I would imagine that they would have raised it with you if he was really awful there as well. It's quite possible that he is saving his worse behaviour for you.

Fifthcup - thank you again for your help. He has been very sweet with his sister but his behaviour has def got worse since she has started eating and getting more interesting . She was a reflux baby so I had to carry her all the time , which was hard on him! I am going to take him to a birthday party on my own Saturday so he gets some one to one time with me . I do shower him with cuddles whenever I can ! If he says to me he wants to be first down the stairs I have been letting him do it so I need to stop this I think as he expects everyone to do it ! I have looked into autism etc and the only trait I see is wanting to go first ? He loves people and asks for play dates , he just can't behave ! Just want to get him help if he needs it and I know early intervention is the key . Thanks again

Cedar 02. Thank you for your post , very helpful . He is def worse when tired . He is usually better in the morning so will see if he is better first thing . I will def try a few board games with him and make an app with the key worker at nursery . Once they told he was one of their best behaved so it's really strange he is so difficult with me ! Thanks again