Please help! Advice needed on 19 month old's behaviour when....

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...going to grandparents for one day per wk.

I'm a long time lurker and follower but never really posted anything, hence doing so now as am at a real loss and really need some advice on what to do.

My 19 month old dd is an independent, totally non-clingy whirlwind for the whole week until I drop at her PIL's on a Friday when she screams and clings to me til MIL practically pushes me out the door. It's so strange for dd to do this (does same when daddy drops her) as she absolutely loves going to childminder and I feel I can leave her most places happily. Even more unusually, she has been going to PIL's for over a year every wk so should be used to it by now.

I will say that FIL does most of childcare since MIL is completely non maternal, tends to do her own thing, and they also look after dd's 13 month old cousin on same day so it's tough for him but he says he enjoys it and clearly loves them. They are from the old school parenting generation and don't really do anything with the kids, just kind of do their own thing and leave dd/baby cousin to it. My dd does seem to want lots of stimulation so I can understand she's probably bored but it seems so over the top that she literally is inconsolable when either of us leaves her there, and that's just not in character for her at all.

I do trust my PiL's at heart but I know they think it's ok to just leave kids be in a room with a few young baby toys like rattles etc. Have tried to talk to MIL about it as she rules the roost there, FIL pretty submissive when not out playing golf (!) but she is such a difficult character who does not listen at all and gets huffy if you suggest anything to her ie taking them out, drawing etc. have tried taking more appropriate toys round but they just get put away!

I have such a history of fallings out and animosity in my own family that I am desperate that my dd has a good relationship with all her wider family, and wonder if this is impacting on my ability to confront the situation properly as I am scared of alienating her from her grandparents. Also worried I am overreacting and being all PFB but this has been going on for a long time now and its just not right for dd, not like her at all.

Will add when I arrive to pick her up she is desperate to leave and waves everyone at PIL's goodbye before I have even walked through the door.

Any help or suggestions at all would be really greatly appreciated as this is really bothering me now and I know my other half hates the situation and doesn't want dd to stop going to his parents, understandably. Thanks in advance.

Oh God I wouldn't be leaving her there at all! I've got two children, both of whom have always been shy and clingy with me but were also very happy with both sets of grandparents.

The thing about not many toys and leaving her in a room is ALL you need to tell you it's not ideal and her behaviour compounds it.

If you are 100% trusting of your PILs you should maybe just let DP drop her. It is tricky adjusting to different parenting styles but, brutally, 1 day a week won't kill her and she will develop a relationship with her GPs eventually. I know I sound like a cow though.

Well the baby does that when OPs DP drops her too....I'd be concerned the baby was miserable there...especially when she can't wait to leave!

Your DD does not do this with other caregivers and she's been doing it for a year - I don't know what is wrong but your DD is trying to tell you she is not happy there. I'd be making alternative arrangements.

Sorry if I was unclear but to add she hasn't been like this for a year - she used to be ok when I dropped her off, it seems it's just as she's got older and more aware that she really kicks off and clings to me when I try and drop her there. I'd say it's been going on for a couple of months now.

If she's that unhappy after a year, and very happy at the childminders then I think it's time to change. Can you try to put it in a positive way to your ILs, like you think she struggles with the change of care at this age, but you hope they'll be able to restart in a couple of years, maybe when she starts school?

They have plenty of time to build that bond - and if you live close enough for them to be doing childcare, then you must see them often as a family too.

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies. i think hearing that she's obviously miserable there from other posters has made me think that I will revisit this situation at a later date in terms of having them care for her (I like the way you framed it Strawberry) but at the same time I know what you mean Plant about it bring just one day (usually only 5 hrs ish) per wk and she will start to be able to communicate her needs to them which may make things better. Sooooo hard, live just 10 mins from them so we do see them quite a bit outside of this arrangement too. OH and I were saying that they don't need to make massive, unrealistic changes - fgs just sticking CBeebies on for her would help but as I said MIL will just not take on any suggestions at all and I end up really resentful/emotional about the whole situation.