Three year old has no empathy - should I be worried?

[janebr]

My three year old daughter seems to lack any empathy whatsoever. I know that's normal to a certain extent, but it just seems she's not changing at all as she grows up.

She tells me matter of factly if someone is upset: "That baby is crying" or "So-and-so at nursery was sad today because they fell over and bumped their knee" but I've never seen her give another child a hug or try to make them feel better like I've noticed some of my friends's kids do.

Today, she bounced on the bed and spilled a boiling hot cup of tea all over me. I was almost crying it was so sore and my husband was running around trying to get cold cloths to put on the burn and she just sat there asking repeatedly why the TV hadn't been switched on (which is what we were about to do when the tea was spilled) and getting cross that we wouldn't let her climb back on the bed. She just didn't seem to notice I was hurt, even when we pointed it out to her.

We talked to her seriously about how if someone is hurt, it's nice to give them a hug or check if they're OK and she just said in a really adult, sarcastic way "O-KAY! So can I watch TV now?"

She is very articulate so it's not a language problem. What does anyone think? Should I be worried?

The kids you're talking aboutthe ones who demonstrate "empathy" by giving little kisses and so onaren't doing it out of any real sense of empathy at that age.

This age of child really doesn't HAVE empathy. They cannot put themselves in another person's shoes (okay, they can literally put themselves in other shoes, but not figuratively!). What you're observing in those other children is a desire for praise from adults--I've been a teacher of 3-5 year olds, and it's very rare for even the most "kind" child of this age to actually demonstrate the same types of kindness if adults aren't around and watching! They're praise-seekers and favor-curriers, not kind souls.

Look up Kohlberg's theory of moral development--you'll see that this praise seeking stage is one your child is likely to enter in the near future. If you make sure even tiny gestures that would indicate "empathy" are praised, she'll start exhibiting more of this behavior. Of course, if you want a genuine sense of empathy that lasts even when no one's looking, you'll have to wait for her to grow up a bit more!

Mine is 3.5 years old and still lacks a lot of empathy. He sometimes fakes it as above, but honestly they are egotistical little feckers for a while longer yet!

To be honest I think this is normal. I can kind of remember being 3 years old and back then my world was a blur. She's too young to know what empathy is. I had a brother to grow up with and I probably didn't even start to know what empathy was until I was 5-6. She's still figuring out the world. And yes I agree with the other poster, kids that do hug at that age don't really know that relates to empathy. However I'd still practice hugs with her. I remember at 3 I thought hugs were nice, so it's a start!

Really womb? Sorry to derail op as I've got one the other way. And I often hear her being lovely to her sister when she thinks I'm asleep in the Early hours. She says things that I say "oh lovely one, come here, its OK"

In the evenings she pushes her sister over - if that helps op!!

I read in some book that DC don't develop empathy until they're 5. Give her a chance!

Don't worry about what other kids do, I have a toddler who is constantly fussing over people asking if they're alright and doling out hugs and kisses but she is mirroring me as I am a worrier and fuss over her a lot. A lot of what they do is just roleplaying. The real feelings develop later.

Have to say, I'm with poo-catcher there. My 2.5 yo gets quite anxious when other children are upset, and has on different occasions a) fetched that child's special toy and given it to him and b) ran to find that child's mother, and said 'x needs a cuddle'. She also came to find me when a child accidentally closed himself into his bedroom stairgate and was upset at being stuck. Pretty sure that's genuine empathy. Perhaps the age they start showing that depends on personality (and her sensitivity has many downsides too, believe me)

BUT, I wouldn't worry about your DD's reaction to the tea spilling, OP. They don't yet have the life experience to understand about injury, or the need to react quickly to help someone. She was also probably scared at the excitement, and that was her way of dealing with it. In fact, I had almost exactly the same thing happen recently, and my empathic little girl just watched silently. I don't think she knew what to do.

The nursery story is really positive. It's affected her enough that she's remembered and told you about it, and she's named the emotion correctly too.

Doesn't sound worrying to me at this age.

Thank you so much everyone!!! Makes me feel a lot better.

My 5 year old is like this, very matter of fact about injury - I think for him because he isn't a fusser when he gets hurt and so doesn't think to fuss when someone else is. Empathy certainly doesn't come naturally to him, but he has lots of other good qualities and is popular at pre school despite a total lack of touchy feely behaviour.

Alternatively, my nearly 3 year old is much more in touch with his and my feelings and will ask "are you sad mummy?" if I'm concentrating on something, and will come over and tell me if a friend's baby is crying, and is generally very sweet natured and kind to people.

I just try to talk about why people might be sad about things and praise them when they do a kind thing. I don't think if matters if they aren't actually empathetic if they can mimic it a bit!

I guess you have to make statements such as " you have to consider people's feelings' and things like that...