Day 3 in Reception, Day 3 of being in trouble

[Publicenema]

I would love any help coping with a deeply troubling start to school for my DS. He's 4, a summer baby and has had some behavioural issues at nursery which were being monitored by a SEN. A transition to big school was always going to be a difficult one for him but for 3 days I've been called in by his teacher to listen to the list of misdemeanours and reasons he's been excluded from class during the day. There is no doubt he has been dreadfully behaved, calling pupils and teachers names, hitting and growing things in tantrums but I'm feeling very unsupported. I'm trying my best to help him but don't know how to do this when he's in tears when I pick him up and I'm being told by the school I need to work on his discipline urgently. What should I do? Try and get more time to talk to his teacher? Ask for a SEN referral at school? Feeling v lost and torn. Any advice?

I agree with others that the rec teacher is coming down far too hard on a 4 year old, and taking him to the head, in his first few days of school - beyond shocking!

Is there not a SENCO teacher for reception? Have you considered that you son is on the autistic spectrum or have AS or this relatively new one (to me) defiance opposition - whatever it is, I think your little boy is scared and confused by reception at just 4 years. I really would worry about the way the rec teacher is handling the situation. Are there 30 kids in the class - is there a TA? I know it's tough on teachers but fear and confusion are so often mistaken for defiance.

If you took him out of school, he would have to start Year 1 next September - is that right? I think now there is consideration to summer born children having the option to start reception at 5, rather than having to miss out on reception and go straight to Year 1 - and presumably moving to secondary at age 12 rather than 11?

It's very early days for your little one but I do worry that his anxieties will only increase with all this need for "discipline" - a rec teacher who doesn't realise that the behaviour on show is almost always masking other problems is not much use as far as I'm concerned. So if he says "I'm not talking to you" - it probably means he doesn't know what to say and that's his way of saying it - or not saying it - he's 4 FGS - please see if you can get proper help from the SENCO teacher and maybe an assessment for some kind of special needs you son might have.

At least he has a lovely mummy.

Sally I sincerely hope you are not a teacher, for the children's sake!

Nananina - spot on

No, not a teacher, bit children dont change that dramatically from home/school. Schools can spot issues, and are more than capable of giving children help and support, than ever before, if a child is rude and sent to the head, its not a punishment, the head will want to know the children and their issues, thats a good thing, its not like senior school. The teacher will then be able to teach the rest of the class. If you are asking for help, the budget is with the head, not the teacher.

He's clearly not settled /scared of his new surroundings and maybe it's not clear to him what the boundaries are yet. Agree with Sally, him being sent to the head isn't necessarily a bad thing or punishment If it was easier for him to open up on a 1-1 basis with someone then why not? I know in my dcs school the head and the deputy go into the nursery and reception classes alot to help especially at this transition period, if your son does need any help then the head teacher is the person who you need to see him as he/she is the one who can help put any support in place especially if that extra help requires funding

your teacher needs to listen to fatmomma , who works in schools . She says 'invent rewards not punishments'

When your said he didn't want to talk, he was ring truthful not rude. My son does this with strangers. If someone asks him his name, he says "I'm not telling you." I will explain that it is rude but wouldn't dream of coming down on him. I agree with previous posts - his anxieties may get worse, especially in an environment which is too much for him.
I also agree with polter (who is a beacon of wisdom IMHO) that schools are not always up to scratch on spotting issues. My son had a horrendous time in 2 nurseries. The first was because the teacher was bloody awful and treated him as a naughty child (despite telling me all was ok, no issues etc). The second nursery had too much going on sensory wise. He was hitting, clinging to tedchers, not settling. It was his way of communicating his unhappiness. I withdrew him, took time out from nursery and placed him in another one which had a good balance between structured and unstructured activities and not too many kids. The thing that made the biggest difference was the love, respect and understanding his teacher showed him. It really set him up for reception.
Please keep us updated.

Arghhelp so sorry about the typos!

Sally what a clueless set of nonsense you are spouting. At the risk of inviting more, what on earth do you think the poor OP should be doing differently?

OP I think you need an urgent meeting with the SENCO, the class teacher and the Head/Head of Year. You don't say what SEN you were investigating, but if it is, for instance, autism, then try posting on the Special Needs boards on here and the mums on there may be able to suggest specific adjustments the school can make to help with transitions, getting overwhelmed by hustle and bustle, playtimes etc.

Roomonamop, agree 100%. Have been in a very similar situation and the change of nursery was the making of my son. I wrote a thread about it on here in may.

How are you getting on NeedingHelp1? Unfortunately I am about to go into school to collect my DS as he has done some awful things this morning and they are not prepared to tolerate it. I guess I will have to have a meeting to discuss what happens next but basically the message is that they don't think he's mature enough to cope with school yet. What I'm going to do with him as I work full time, I shudder to think about. The incident this morning involved throwing toilet rolls and wet paper towels around the toilets after he had been sent inside for throwing mud at another child. When he was told off he said something rude to the teacher (language that he has never used before and I've certainly never heard it at home). It's so hard because he does know the difference between wrong and right and is incredibly bright but something is going very wrong for him in the school environment :-(

Hello!

Is it really really odd of me to say that that doesn't sound like a being brought home from school incident?!

We are only in week two and this is a massive adjustment for them!

Some soil their pants, some are introvert and others have bad behaviour.

Yes it's not ideal but he's four and a boy.

Is this a very strict school?

Personally with my ds I felt if he'd been able to start part time for a term it would have solved some of the troubles. Unfortunately he was the first year that they brought in all starting full time and no one else was doing part time, and I felt it would be differently bad for him if everyone else was full time and he wasn't.

Just to put a similar incident in: A friend's ds was recently given internal exclusion for similar. They spotted a CCTV camera in the toilets and threw wet paper at it to try and block it shouting "filthy perverts". She did point out to her ds how on earth he thought he'd get away with it seeing as it was being recorded. He was year 8 though.
So similar punishment, but much older.

I would say though, that it may be (as for my ds) they notice that the incidents increase as he gets tired, so it may be that they're not so much excluding him, more saying "actually he's too tired".

How is the teacher handling it? Does she speak to you always, or just when it's bad? With my ds we had a behaviour book and she wrote in round about 6 times a day to say something good/bad/neutral, so I could praise the good, and talk through the bad issues and see his side/suggest what he could have done better. He did usually have some logic why he'd done it, even if it was flawed logic.
And sometimes when talking I felt he wasn't entirely to blame eg one child knocked down his sandcastle every time he built it, so after the fourth time he hit them. Now for that sort of thing I'd talk about how he was naughty to hit, but the other child was also naughty for doing it and I'd sympathise with him how he must have felt. then we'd talk about what he could do which would be better. Sometimes it was walking away; in this case I'd point out that if he'd told a teacher it would be the other child in trouble, not him.

It also means that if there is something going on which is a flash point then they can take steps to avoid it.

I would also just be careful of the school asking you to take him home; because ds would have loved that. In fact he'd quite likely to work out the quickest way to get to be taken home. If you think that might be the case, then it is worth mentioning it to them so they don't use it as a default reaction.

"DS would have loved that"

Yes that!

You okay OP? X

'Schools can spot issues, and are more than capable of giving children help and support, than ever before'

This is actually the complete opposite of fact. Many schools cannot spot issues easily, only the ones that make their lives difficult, but have very little training into the cause and the treatment. SEN training is pitiful. Budgets are being increasingly stretched and the law surrounding supporting kids with SEN has become ambiguous.

'they don't think he's mature enough to cope with school yet.'

That makes no sense. Reception isn't that much different from Nursery and differentiation makes it possible for ALL children to be accommodated. He could, for instance, spend some time in nursery after lunch, or simply be given a smaller group to work in where supervision can be higher.

If they suggest a part time time-table, as them to document their reasons and you'll consider it. Don't concede ANYTHING without it being properly documented. In fact, get them to document things you already know you won't concede as this will provide you with good evidence to demand more support as he travels up the school.

Sorry to update that DS has been sent home today. Had a good mtg with the school this morning about how he's really beginning to 'get' school....then he goes and does something unacceptable again. He weed on another child. I mean wtf is going through his head?!! My biggest problem for him is that he is now isolated from the other children. They avoid him and his tactics for making a friend gets more and more bizarre so they avoid him more. I'm keeping him off school for the rest of the week and will explore alternatives. Arrrrrgg

I am sorry you are going through this. What you describe is not normal behaviour or typical behaviour of a summer born boy.

I suggest you contact your GP and ask for a referal to the community paediatrian. Maybe your son would benefit from a referal to a speech and language therapist, audiologist as a minimum. The community paediatrian might even be able to refer your son to a child pychologist. As a good measure it might be worth taking your child to the optician for an eye test.

It is worth making an appointment to see the school SENCO to see what strageries they have for integrating your son. If the school cannot cope there behavioural specialists out there to help them.

You have my sympathy op.

when my ds1 started reception he was a nightmare. His behaviour was all centred around hurting other children and at one point he hit a teacher.

It was I think the most stressful few months of my life. I think he was overwhelmed, attention seeking and totally stressed out. He also has zero impulse control and struggles academically.

The situation did improve over time. I had a straight talking conversation with the teacher, identified triggers (lunchtime, unstructured play, crowds, noise) and she put measures in place to help him while reporting behaviour back to me to talk to him at home.

I did get some good advice at the time about talking through things with him. I would use teddy to sort of re-create what had gone on, look teddy has hurt elephant, how does that make him feel etc. I also used to sit and draw pictures with him, X took the toy so Y hurt, so Y gets told off. But look at his picture on here he doesn't hurt he tells the teacher and everyone's happy and smiles etc. I also did sorry cards for any major incidents.

He's just started year one and has been great so far, he's starting to learn to control himself and has definitely turned a corner. You are not alone!