Rules, where am I going wrong?

[Tillytoes14]

Hi,
We have rules for our 9 year old, the main ones are no name calling, keep hands and feet to yourselves (if these are broken, we send ds to his room for reflection time) and listen to others (we send ds 10 minutes earlier to bed for not listening, each time he breaks that rules) but he's still not listening, he's still using his hands and feet inappropriately, he's always grabbing his ds head or something, which his younger brother doesn't like, I just can't seem to get it right and he's also losing time at school for not listening. Am I being too lax on the consequences? His brother is the complete opposite!

To be frank I think this sounds a bit harsh and a little draconian. I don't know ONE 9 year old who does not call his or her siblings a name or three daily.

It's normal behaviour. To be sent off to your room every single time! Wow.

Also the grabbing of heads....that's kind of normal too! Does his brother never grab or push him? Not saying that violence should be tolerated of course....but a bit of rough and tumble is normal.

TheHouseOnTheLane-I had to nip the name-calling on the head because it was becoming unbearable, calling each other stupid, idiot etc all the time is disrespectful in my opinion and when I asked them to stop name-calling them carry on, unless I send either one or two, to their rooms. It's not just using hands inappropriately whilst playing, if my younger son is doing something he shouldn't, my ds tends to push him away, or grab him and my younger son gets annoyed, I've explained many times to the oldest to "use his words", but he doesn't, he prefers to use his hands to show his disapproval, or shouts occasionally and also he still snatches quite often from both his brother and us, if he wants something and he's 9. The not listening is what I really want to tackle because it's showing at school too, my ds has suggested giving him one warning for not listening, then if he doesn't listen again to take his computer time of his completely, but once that happens, we then have to think of another consequence, such as sending him to bed early.

How immediate and boring are the consequences? Going to bed at 1920 instead of 1930 means nothing if its lunchtime. Also what does he have in his room - playing with toys, reading etc isn't a deterrent.
How about an immediate unliked job to do when he is naughty. After a warning of course.

You could combine it with a star chart for good behavior to earn money,screen time etc to encourage that as well as discourage the bad behavior.

I don't think star charts work once they get past about 4. I do think that money earned for helping is good though...but not taken away. Maybe he needs more positive reinforcement.