Attention seeking 8 year old

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Hi all

I'm fairly new here and have posted once before on a similar topic (plus one other time). I'm dating someone with an 8 YO daughter and we've just been on holiday, along with 2 other kids (one mine, one the 2nd child of my gf).

The little girl is charming most of the time but her behaviour (or rather the indulgence of her by her mother) is driving me mad. We're considering living together, but I'm having serious doubts as to whether I can cope with this girl and her need to have attention 24/7.

She gets bored easily and will come to her mum for intention incessantly throughout the day. If anything goes slightly wrong, she'll come to her mum whining, full of (fake) tears and wanting cuddles and smpathy. If something isn't wrong, she will feign an injury or ailment or something in order to get the same attention. If something is wrong with someone else, she will have the same problem because she doesn't want to feel left out. She will tell little lies that she things will get her sympathy from her mum.

Her mum says she will grow out of this, but I'm not so sure. I'm certainly not sure enough to want to sign up to full time it by moving in together. I think her mum indulges her too much and fails to deal with the behaviour appropriately. She seems to turn a blind eye to it, yet will come down like a ton of bricks on the odd occasion when my son gets the hump about something.

What can I do? The mum I think knows there is a problem but is so fiercely protective it's a very difficult subject to raise without her flying off the handle.

Having little experience with girls of this age, I'm particularly interested in u derstanding whether this is normal for a girl of this age or not? Can I expect her to grow out of it, or does her mum need to do more? I try to be patient and understanding and even spend a fair bit of time with the girl myself. By the end of a week's holiday though I'd pretty much had enough - it goes so far against what I'm used to.

It's what we call on here "PFB" or precious first born. She's still like it because she's always been allowed to be like it. Unless her mum stops indulging her she'll be like it for the rest of her life. I don't know how you'd broach the subject with the mum though.

I think there may be some jealousy issues here. My DD wasn't like that at 8 but DH and I are happily married. I suspect I may have been like that a bit when DM started dating again. I had a special relationship with DM as I was her only. I didn't really want some bloke getting her attention.

That said, in the end she married DstepF and I love him to bits. It took about 3 months for us all to settle together.

My DD is nearly 8 and I recognise a lot of the behaviour you describe - fake tears, making a lot of fuss over a minor injury, inventing a complaint because someone else is getting attention. So I certainly hope that it's normal and a phase she'll grow out of!

But of course, just because a certain type of behaviour is normal at that age doesn't mean that a child should be allowed to get away with it unchecked. It just means that you need to be realistic and not expect miracles. She should still be told off when appropriate.

The bit I find worrying in your post is the part about how your partner is severe with your son. That would bother me a lot if I was thinking of moving in with someone. Do you think she is over compensating, in a kind of 'look - it's not just my child, yours is no angel either' kind of way? Or is it possible you are seeing your son's behaviour through rose coloured spectacles?

You definitely need to have a proper conversation around the general topic of discipline. What is your joint approach going to be - what things are acceptable / unacceptable in your blended family, and what is your agreed approach to disciplining each other's children? This is such an important topic to discuss. It may be easier to talk to your girlfriend about it in general terms, and lay down ground rules that apply to everyone in the family, rather than discussing her DD1 in particular. Most people get very defensive about criticism of their DC!

Thanks for the responses so far. I should correct myself - the gf's other child is actually an older boy (aged 13). I'm not sure what difference it makes, but he and my son - whether they're together or not - are usually happy just doing their own thing, playing games on the iPad or watching TV or whatever, and rarely complain about anything. They're not perfect by any means but are generally happy when left to their own devices.

The girl only seems able do that for 5 minutes max before she wants to be doing something else. And that invariable involves getting attention from mum, whether mum is in the bathroom, on the phone, or just plain exhausted after a hard day at work.

I get there may be a jealousy thing, both with me taking some of attention from her mum, and with the 2 boys naturally likingthe same sort of things whilst she doesn't have a playmate, but she displays the same behaviours even when there is no-one else around.

I wonder if living together might improve things as I may be able to lay down some rules to try and improve things, but that seems a dangerous path to commit to as I don't know where it will end up, and I don't really feel it's my place to do so. I'd really like to see some improvements before we can start living together.

Any further thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks sevenseconds, I think you hit the nail on the head with the over-compensating. I think that's exactly what happens....I think it's a kind of reaction to my attempts to call things with her DD.

Eg - we were in the pool on holiday playing a game in which 2 people were throwing the ball to each other, with 3 piggies-in-the-middle. DD started crying when her brother splashed her. I told her mum to ignore it because they were fake tears.(she didn't, DD got a cuddle and DS a small telling off). A bit later my son got upset when the older boy kept on snatching the ball off him. GF then storms out of the pool in a huff, saying 'it's only a game', implying he needs to grow up.

She apologised afterwards, but it shows the size of the task I'm facing I think. As soon as I attempted to call her DD to account, my DS got it in the neck. Hmmmm.

So what did you do when you son got upset in that situation?

your son

My dd has a few friends like this, they are completely different and lovely children without their mums around.

I find it so irritating just being around them for 10/15 minutes let alone having a partner with a dd like this.

Oh I wouldn't be in a relationship and moving in with a person with subjects that couldn't be spoken about without someone flying off the handle. You should be able to speak about anything to your partner.

To be honest after reading your latest post I have slightly less sympathy with you. I think that a few tears from an 8yo when a 13yo splashes her is pretty normal, and you were a bit mean to tell her mum to ignore her. Sorry. Your partner shouldn't have stormed out of the pool in a huff though.

Seven that's why I asked what the OP did when his son was upset. Seems he is operating on two separate rules. Her dd is not allowed to be upset over what he perceives as minor things, but his son apparently is.

I don't think it's appropriate for the OP to be wading in with "oh ignore her, it's fake tears" anyway, and any person that stepped in with that with my dcs would be dumped pretty damn quick. No business telling her to ignore her own dd IMO.

OP, it's pretty clear that you regard the 8yo as badly behaved, since you label her as attention seeking and don't seem to have a clue what is causing this behaviour. How long have you been dating this woman? And how old is your ds?

Her mum says she will grow out of this, but I'm not so sure. I'm certainly not sure enough to want to sign up to full time it by moving in together. I think her mum indulges her too much and fails to deal with the behaviour appropriately.

This tells me a lot about your mindset, and it's not great. You're basically expecting her to change her parenting style to what you want when you don't even know the child that well. The mum has said she will grow out of it. You think you know better. That speaks LOADS about you IMO.

I would certainly not keep a partner who told me whether my child's tears were genuine or not and what to do about it . Neither of you sound ready to step-parent at all. Little girls can be like this, especially if they're feeling insecure. It sounds as if she is very left out of the new dynamic and has no one but her mum for company. The more you come between them and let it be known that you think she is not particularly likeable (she will be able to tell), the harder she will work to stay close to the only person left. In addition to that, little girls can be like this! Pains in the bottom. If you are not prepared to accept your partner with her children exactly the way they are, you would be selfish and cruel to move into their lives any further. The idea of moving in so you can institute some rules is breathtakingly arrogant and doomed to cause everyone misery (as the swimming pool episode illustrates).

You would be surprised how much nicer children get when they are loved with authenticity and perseverance. Even if they don't improve, they have a right to be borne with by the people caring for them. You don't even seem to like her, let alone respect your partner as a parent.

Gosh, everyone here seems so quick to jump to judgements based on limited pieces of information!

Please trust me that I wouldn't be taking the time and trouble to post here if there wasn't a genuine problem that needed to be addressed.

The advice of the last 4 posts has been:

• I'm wrong to be in the relationship in the first place
• I'm mean to be telling the mum what to do
• I don't know the child well and have a bad mindset
• Neither of us are ready to be step parents

Thanks for your help netmums. I don't think I'll be asking for any more though if that's the general standard of advice.

Cheers anyway.

Okay, cheers then!

I wouldn't be taking the time and trouble to reply to you if I didn't agree there was a problem to be addressed and feel that (as the mum of a similar age DD) I might have something useful to share with you. But you seem to prefer my earlier post (based on less information) when I agreed with you rather than my second post (based on an actual example) when I suggested that you might be over reacting somewhat.

Sorry to hear you don't rate the standard of my advice. I won't bother trying to help you again.

Ah now, you see, that's probably where you went wrong. This isn't NetMums.

I think you need to talk to your DP about strategies to tackle excessive whinging, bearing very much in mind the excellent advice you have have had above about why an 8 year old girl is behaving like this.

If this is the the way you treat the mum and the daughter (as in "agree with me as clearly I know better otherwise I'll huff off in a snit"), then no surprise there are problems.

The advice of the last 4 posts has been:

- I'm wrong to be in the relationship in the first place
- I'm mean to be telling the mum what to do
- I don't know the child well and have a bad mindset
- Neither of us are ready to be step parents

You asked for advice, you got it. If you want everyone to agree with you, MN is not the place to post. It rarely happens.

Telling that you question and criticise the female behaviour, but have no problem with her son and your son. Telling that you ask for advice, but flounce off when you don't get the validation that you want.

Oh, and by the way, this is not netmums.

It's pretty funny, he acts the same way with the posters here that he says he acts with this mum and her daughter--demands agreement, pouts away when he's rebuffed.

What a manchild! I hope this poor woman he's dating sees this thread and realizes what a "prize" she's found.

Oh, come on. This child sounds utterly insufferable and you're all acting like her behaviour is acceptable. Really? Crying when she gets a splash of water on her? She's eight! Not three. That isn't "normal" eight year old behaviour and it certainly isn't acceptable. I'd expect that kind of behaviour from a toddler. At 8 she should be grown up enough to not cry and not whinge and should be punished for doing so. It's ridiculous that she's allowed to get away with such nonsense and that her mother indulges it.

OP, I'm firmly on your side here and I'd seriously reconsider moving in with her if she can't see how badly behaved her child is.

She sounds a bit insecure and is bound to be. As the youngest, she's used to getting all of her mum's attention so she's probably ramped up the behaviour for your benefit. I think tackling it with all guns blazing is only going to make it worse. She needs some positive attention from you so you can bond with her

I am with the OP on this. I have a friend who has a daughter that behaves this way. Constantly hanging off her mother, very demanding, won't just go and play with all the other kids when we meet up, sits on her mums knee moaning about wanting to go home. Her mum indulges this behaviour and has done for years. It is now at the point the child is 10 and I among others in the friendship group avoid arranging things unless it is during school time and th adults just meet for a cofee as it is so insuffereable.