2.5 year old behaving like a brat

[PegsPigs]

Maybe you'll tell me it's typical terrible twos but it's unbearable with a new born. I do not believe her sister has had any impact on her behaviour. She has been like this for about 6 months and DD2 is 2 months.

DD1 has always been a strong willed, independent girl who happily goes off to play at soft play or toddler groups. She tantrums more times a day than I can count, at other children, me and even inanimate objects ("stop it cushion!") She is ready to argue pretty much whatever you say. So I'll say "shall I be Mummy Pig and you be Peppa?" Which is a favourite game of hers and she'll shout "No I want to be a fairy princess!" If I'd said "Shall I be the Queen and you be the fairy princess?" She'll say "No I want to be Peppa!!" Literally I can never get it right first time, she always has to argue, always. The first word out of her mouth is always NO. She'll say, "Don't want to do xyz" or "I can't Mummy". Before she's even processed the idea or tried to do whatever it is. She gets frustrated and gives up easily all the time. It's really wearing.

We've tried lots of techniques including banning her from whinging by saying "STOP whinging" as soon as she starts. I've tried being positive saying "OK what do you want? Or what can you do?" I've tried ignoring her when she whinges. I'm so fed up. It's miserable grinding through the day with all her protestations and arguments. I want to make her happy. I really want her to be happy. She's got so many positive qualities, a great sense of humour, a brilliant imagination and is such fun when we're playing nicely. I want to channel her strong will and opinions into positivity. Please can you give me some tips. She gets frustrated and pushes other children when she can't get her own way. She doesn't hit me and she doesn't hit her baby sister. She almost never shows her frustration in a physical way away from other children. She struggles to share with new people which I think is typical of her age and she is beginning to share more with children she's comfortable with. She has very good speech for her age and I worry I treat her like her comprehension matches her speech and expect too much.

I would really appreciate some techniques to deal with her negativity so we can all be happier.

My DS1 (nearly 3) is behaving in quite a similar fashion just now. I also have a 10 month DS2 so not sure how much is down to jealousy and how much is just standard tantrumming...
Some techiques I have had a bit of success with are: ignoring all requests made in whiny/crying/tantrum voice (maybe remind him to use his nice voice)
If he's tantrumming at a meal time, just carry on as normal. I don't try to beg/threaten/bribe him to sit at the table and eat. Usually he'll come up eventually of his own accord.
If he's getting frustrated trying to do something I remind him not to get angry, just say "mummy, please can you help me".
But it is very tiring and frustrating - and he does sometimes hit me or his brother which results in time out in a different room then an apology before we can move on.

I've not tried the 'nice voice' line so will give that a go today. She's fine with food fortunately. That's one battle I don't have to fight! She does ask me for help but only after throwing a tantrum so I'm trying to get her to not go from 0-60 frustration first.

For whining/ angry voice I just used to say in my normal tone 'I'm sorry mini lurked, I don't understand that voice, tell me in your nice voice'. And then carry on with what I was doing till she either asked nicely or was at least trying to. If she was really angry/ shouting/ tantruming then again in a perfectly normal voice I'd say 'sorry I can't help you when you're shouting, come and tell me what you want when you're ready'. And then largely ignore her till she was at least making an effort to speak nicely. It certainly didn't cure the 0-60 frustration within a day, but gradually it did reduce and eventually went for all but reasonable situations for anger.

Well Mini Bow tie just doesn't like any situation where he is being made to do something, even if it is something he likes! He kicks off every time we leave the house to go to Toddler Group, even though he loves it there...
I hope he has grown out of this stage before his little brother starts it because two of them will tip me over the edge!

Progress already. I've introduced 'nice voice', 'positive words', 'negative words' and 'polite words' (she is already very polite but I needed to distinguish manners from being nice to people). I'll try the 'I'm sorry...' line too when she whinges. Much fewer already. Still a few 0-60 frustration moments but trailing off in intensity 'can't/won't/don't/no' reducing too.

Hurrah! They will be civilised people one day

Well done, she'll get there. Look on the bright side, she's clearly willing to share her feelings! Fwiw dd is now 11, her temper now comes out as deceptively calm, icy cutting wit, and all that early practice in controlling it has been good practice as she's very good at using it only for worthwhile causes, and using logic to argue express her opinion. Only 7 yrs to go

No advice but I am in EXACTLY the same position with my DD (26mnth) plus I have a four month old. I also feel that I expect her to comprehend too much as her language is so good. I am just trying to ride it out and not get too emotional about it but it is so so wearing! It has got easier to deal with as the baby has got older.

Choices- but not open choice.

Saying "what do you want" is too big a question, you're asking her to choose from everything!

Give her two or three choices. That way she gets to be in control, so she's not rebelling against you.

So; "do you want to play peppa pig, fairy princess or watch a DVD?

Also really focus on the positive- give her jobs and really praise her. Simple things like fetching a nappy, or getting a wipe out of the packet to pass to you. I'd sometimes make a big production- strip Dc2, then fuss about not having x,y or z, and what on earth would I have done without Dc1 to help me...

She does love being helpful and will 'choose' which nappy her sister will wear and takes the nappy bag to the bin. I only ever give her 2 choices because 3 blows her mind! She's also happy to discount my choices if they don't suit her. I'll ask "banana or grapes?" And she might say "Apple" which if we have one she can have. Should I be sticking to just the original choices?

I think if she says something healthy like apple you can let her get away with it... My DS1 might chance his arm with "I need a chocolate biscuit" (probably works on granny!)