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Selective Mutism Advice Needed Please

17 replies

Sunnydays35 · 23/08/2015 22:53

My DS will be 7 in December, he has Selective mutism and has been at school for 2 years and never spoken there. He will speak to a couple of friends after school in the playground if I am around.
We were advised not to talk about it with him, so not to draw attention to it and make a big deal out of it. We have been doing the sliding in programme but still no talking at school from him.
I watched a clip on youtube where the lady who had written the selective mutism resource manual was explaining to a child of about 4 how she might be finding it hard to talk and why she is feeling this way.
I am now thinking that I should be talking to my ds about him not being able to talk at school, but I don't know if I should and what should I say as he is older?
When I have brought up his not talking in the past he gets very upset and says I don't want to talk at school.
Any advice would be fantastic.

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Ferguson · 23/08/2015 23:32

There are several dedicated web sites on the topic, which you can easily Google. I'll look back sometime, and see if I can help more.

MicrochipsAndMemories · 23/08/2015 23:43

I had selective mutism at school. I spoke perfectly fine at home but said nothing at all at school. I had one or two friends I spoke to a little but that was it.
If anyone brought it up I would get annoyed and sad because it's not a choice. I didn't chose not to speak, I physically couldn't. My brain wouldn't let me.
I grew out of it although I do still struggle with conversation.

I wouldn't push the subject. If he can't speak then making a deal of it will only make things worse Sad

icouldjusteatacroissant · 23/08/2015 23:49

I presume you have filmed him at home and shown his teachers? a selective mute boy at our primary school did grow out of it by the time he left.

pay no heed at all to the mutism. he will talk when he is ready. he'll still be taking it all in.

Sunnydays35 · 24/08/2015 08:36

Thank you so much for your all your messages. microchipsandmemories I am really pleased to hear it can get better without pressure, I am glad I haven't made a big deal about it to him, all the teachers are aware and no one puts any pressure on him to talk as they understand he is not doing it on purpose. We have recorded him speaking at home so they are aware he is a very good talker. We have lots of play dates at home with friends from school and he will chat away to them, just not at school. He has never really spoken to any adults except me and his Dad but chats away to cousins and friends children!

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JennySwainTKD · 24/08/2015 08:38

At a guess, if they are speaking at home he must feel safe and secure and has good strong attachments, maybe more efforts need to be built at school for him to feel confident, and happy and hopefully it will come with time.

VioletBumble · 24/08/2015 12:48

It's your call really - I think it's a balance between not making a big deal of it and helping him to understand that it's not his fault and that he's not alone.

This is a good book if you don't already have it:
www.amazon.co.uk/Tell-About-Selective-Mutism-Professionals/dp/1849052891/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1440416438&sr=1-1&keywords=selective+mutism

written by one of the leading authorities on SM in the country at the moment.

I gave it to my DD to read when she was 7 - I think it was the right decision as there comes a point where you can't dismiss SM as a child just being shy - it's a real problem which needs acknowledging, even if just to say that you understand how difficult it must be.

Do the school do anything to support him and build confidence?

WombOfOnesOwn · 25/08/2015 18:02

As many selectively mute kids as I've met over the years, I've never met one who became a selectively mute adult. Learning to speak to others may just be a skill that comes later for your child.

VioletBumble · 25/08/2015 18:20

Whilst most children do grow out of it at some stage, unfortunately there are many SN teens and adults. Ongoing anxiety and MH issues are also a possibility, so it's something which should be taken seriously.

VioletBumble · 25/08/2015 18:21

That should say SM not SN

Ferguson · 25/08/2015 18:33

OP - Have you found any of this advice helpful, and have you been on any of the SM websites?

I'll give you this NHS link which should be a useful place to start:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/selective-mutism/Pages/Introduction.aspx

VioletBumble · 25/08/2015 18:48

Also 'grow out of' can be misleading - sometimes children respond well to properly designed intervention programmes rather than simply growing out of it.

Sunnydays35 · 25/08/2015 22:40

Thanku so much for your all your advice, it is really helpful. The school have been really good, we have been doing the sliding in program with a TA for 2 years but still no talking in the school, only after school in the playground to friends when I am around. he has been under speech and language but was signed off from this as he has no speech problems. I now have to pay for a child therapist to come to the school as the school do not know who to turn to either. He just never brings up the not talking and he was heard saying to my friends child I am not even going to talk in year 6, he will be in year 2 in September! I really want him to know if he wants to talk about it I am there but he just doesn't want us to mention it..... He hates standing up in assembly to collect awards, he will not do school plays or sports day. I am not sure if I should be pushing for him do these or not. He gets so worried before these advents that he ends up poorly. At home he is so confident!

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Sunnydays35 · 25/08/2015 23:28

Violet bumble - can I ask did you speak to your daughter and explain sm to her or did you let her read the book first and then talk about it? My ds just doesn't like us mentioning it, so not sure how he will react to the chat or not let me finish what I am saying without him getting upset. Did you do the sliding in programme? Thanks

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VioletBumble · 26/08/2015 11:20

It was a couple of years ago - from memory I think I brought up the subject verbally (casually and briefly) and gave her the book to read, saying something like 'see if you think the girl in the book sounds like you when you find it difficult to speak to people'. I then left her to read it.

She did read it all, her response was pretty much 'meh - it only sounds a bit like me', but she seems to have taken on board the term selective mutism as she uses it to (often crossly) explain why she doesn't want to do something as it involves speaking. However I have heard of other children loving the book and identifying with it immediately, so it seems to depend a lot on the child.

I asked her today whether she had found the book helpful and she said 'not really, it tells you what it's like to have selective mutism, but I already knew that, didn't I!' So honestly, I don't know - on balance I think it was useful for her on some level, but possibly more helpful for giving to teachers / relatives. I guess the key is to let the child know you understand how difficult it is, but also support them in combating the SM even when they have no interest in combating it. It's very hard and I certainly haven't cracked it.

DD has got better at speaking in school but isn't 'cured'. We've had a few attempts at sliding in, DD was resistant to it when it involved going in at 'quiet times' as she felt even more self-conscious, so that didn't work. I think things like going in to help with class activities such as reading has generally been helpful, but it hasn't been a miracle cure. It sounds like your school is doing the right thing by not applying pressure etc. Do they do any small group work targeted at improving social skills? Those can be very good when done well.

Have you joined the SMIRA group on Facebook? It's very active and helpful if you ask questions, and has a lot of written resources.

Sunnydays35 · 26/08/2015 20:44

Thank u so much for your reply. Can you remember how long she was at school before she said her first word in the classroom and who too? Did she eventually ask you for help with talking at school? I would spend a Tuesday morning in the classroom sometimes but he treated me like a stranger. No i have never heard of the small group work. What do they do? He is starting a new class in September so I might ask if I can go in and do reading. I was thinking of buying the book my friend Daniel doesn't speak as it is about a boy and he might relate to it more. The child therapist will help me and the school with the sliding in process but she is very expensive so not sure how long we can pay her to come. I want to do more for him but apart from sliding in, having friends round to play and praising him for any communication like waving, high fives etc I just don't know what to do? He has had this since play school and will be in his year 2 at school in September. He has a few friends but sticks to them and finds it very hard to play with the other children who now think he is being rude. One of the children told him he hates my son because he doesn't play with him and said he stares. The teacher explained that looking at people is the way he communicates but the child has said again that he hates him to him since that conversation..????

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VioletBumble · 27/08/2015 12:48

tbh I don't know when her first word in school was, it has all been so gradual and slow. She has always been able to read aloud to teachers and TAs (quietly) but obviously that's different to active communication. I think she did manage to mutter replies to direct questions sometimes in Reception, but not much more. She has always had a couple of friends she would speak to out of earshot of the teachers, this circle has grown gradually over the years. What she has real problems with is initiating contact, asking questions, and joining in class conversations as she needs time, which doesn't happen in a fast-moving conversation.

She hasn't ever asked for help with speaking, she dislikes talking about it and sometimes even denies there is a problem at all. She used to ignore me when I went in to help but from the age of around 7 she would come up to me and tap my shoulder and do a half-smile! She has always liked me being in school (would have me there all the time if she could) but couldn't (and still can't) communicate with me like she does at home.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things - playdates out of school are great for breaking down barriers. Try and do this with as wide a group of friends as he will tolerate (not all at the same time, obviously!) Going in to do reading should help, make sure he reads with you each time as that will also help to blur the home/school boundary. Is your therapist specially trained in SM techniques? If not, it might be worth seeing if there is a private SLT in your area who is SM trained since the it sounds like the (unhelpful) NHS ones in your area aren't. If you go to www.helpwithtalking.com and do an advanced search for your area, ticking the 'selective mutism' box, hopefully one will come up.

Small group work is often done in schools to help communication skills I think, it can be anything from playing informal games such as cards with a TA or volunteer, to proper guided sessions such as ELSA sessions - ask your school whether they run these or would consider training some of their TAs to be ELSAs (Emotional Literacy Support Assistants). Also ask for an Ed Psych report as they can often suggest useful strategies and help to get to the root of the anxieties. Good luck Smile

Sunnydays35 · 27/08/2015 16:43

Thanku so much for all your advice, you have been so helpful. I will let you know how we get on.x

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