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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Writing this on behalf of DH

25 replies

Taler · 23/08/2015 20:55

I would really appreciate some advice from you mums and if there are any dads on here too then I'd especially value your thoughts too.

My DD is 21 months old, has been at nursery part time for a year and my DH takes her and collects her on the days she goes.

A few weeks ago he told me about that when he went to collect her she really didn't want to go with him, was crying and wanted to go to one of the girls who work in her group at nursery. He said it was embarrassing and upsetting which I can understand. I asked if she was maybe in the middle of a game or in the middle of doing something and was simply not ready to go home. He said he didn't think so.

Through a heated conversation earlier today I learned that in fact this wasn't a one-off incident but in fact it happens more often than not. Not necessarily crying but generally not wanting him to pick her up or hold his hand.

He is really upset by this and doesn't understand why it's happening.

When I see the 2 of them together I see a "normal" relationship. She is a normal toddler in terms of pushing the boundaries sometimes and having tantrums and she behaves this way with me as well as him. But as well as the challenging behaviour I also see her loving her daddy, laughing when he does daft things with her, askin for him sometimes.

I have told him that it's "normal" for a very young child to favour mummy most of the time but he feels she does all the time.

I wondered if anyone else experiences this kind of thing with their LOs at nursery and if you have any advice for my DH.

TIA

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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icouldjusteatacroissant · 23/08/2015 21:16

can you try picking her up from nursery and see if the same thing happens with you?

maybe she just loves it there

ClarissaAllbright · 23/08/2015 21:19

Err she's a baby?! Who knows why? Normal developmental stuff. Tell him not to be so daft. He just needs to be kind and matter of fact with her. It's a phase and it passes. Tell him he'll have plenty to worry about when she hits 15 and screams at him that she hates him

D0G · 23/08/2015 21:19

I am a a nursery nurse and I found this to be very common. Lots of children loved nursery and used to cry when their perfectly lovely parents turned up to collect them

bikeandrun · 23/08/2015 21:21

My dc went through stages with this, 6 months time, you might be the one feeling sad when she screams no mummy, want daddy.

Original poster

Taler · 23/08/2015 21:24

Thanks for replies so far. I have picked her on a few occasions over the past year (but couldn't do it regularly as I work far away an do t get home until 7pm - that's why DH takes her and picks her up as he works locally). On the occasions I've picked her up she's never not wanted to come with me.

OP posts:

Devilishpyjamas · 23/08/2015 21:26

DH used to hate picking ds2 up from nursery because every time he tried to get him in the car ds2 would start shouting 'help help' . He still goes on about how embarrassing it was & ds2 is a teenager now. Never did it with me!

longdiling · 23/08/2015 21:27

Why the lack of sympathy because a Dad is asking?! I can totally see why that would be upsetting for a parent. I'm a childminder and one of the kids I look after does this. He is VERY excited when I tell him Daddy is here but then doesn't want to go with him. It's worse if he's in the middle of playing with the other kids. I'm not entirely sure of the psychology of it to be honest but I do think it's very common. I think some kids struggle with 'transitions' from one thing to another. I also think sometimes the overwhelming emotion they feel when they see their parent is too much for them and they react strangely to it. I also think sometimes they know that when they're being picked up it's home for bath and bed and they'd rather be playing!

Favouring one parent over the other is also very common and both DH and I have been through this at one point or another - it's always been a passing phase though.

Does he pick her up at the same time every time? Perhaps a favourite toy in the car would help or a favourite activity planned for when they get home?

BocaDeTrucha · 23/08/2015 21:27

I don't think it's 'daft' at all for him to feel upset. I went through the same thing (not at nursery) when ds was totally favoring dp over me for quite a while. I got very upset about it but gritted my teeth and the phase passed. My ds has a very close relationship with his carer at nursery and runs from my arms into hers like she's his second mum when I drop him off. Really, it's a phase and soon he'll be flavour of the month.

Make sure he doesn't back off from her when he feels like this as it can sometimes be a self-perpetuating cycle.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 23/08/2015 21:29

DD was like this with her dad, he adores her ... yet he could never collect/pick her up/ put her in the bath. Probably a combination of knowing shell get away with it (wrapped round little finger and all that) .... its not a biggy and it does pass ... he needs thicker skin. The nursery staff arent judging.

Original poster

Taler · 23/08/2015 21:33

Thanks again for further replies. I also don't think it's at all daft for him to feel this way. However I do also think it's a phase an as I've said there are plenty of times that I c her just loving daddy!

It's 3 consecutive days a week she goes to nursery and yes he picks her up pretty much the same time each day.

I am intending to show him all these replies in the hope that it brings him some comfort as it seems nothing I say is helping.

OP posts:

icouldjusteatacroissant · 23/08/2015 21:36

well tell him from us we think he's a lovely concerned dad

addictedtosugar · 23/08/2015 21:39

Yes. Our oldest would do this every time DH went to pick him up ( couple of times a month), and ocasionally when I went to collect. Usually if something good was about to happen.
A friend gets this most times she collects her child. Maybe 4/5 days a week.
Not unusual, I'd say.

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal · 23/08/2015 21:45

DD has always done this to both of us - running in the opposite direction to hide from us at pick up whilst her best friend would run up to us for cuddles. When we started at a new nursery I think they thought the best friend was our daughter.

DD loves us and we are very affectionate (when she's not in a huff), its just she loves it at nursery and doesn't want to go home with us because that would be boring.

He doesn't need to be embarrassed about it

BocaDeTrucha · 23/08/2015 21:46

Haha, if it helps, I've just Skyped with dp and ds (23 months) as they're away for a few days and he just saw me and said "no like mummy"!!!!

stuckinahole · 23/08/2015 21:50

I drop my son off and pick him up everyday from Nursery. You'd think I wasn't his mother they way he reacts when I collect him. (Same age by the way)

They fuck with you everyday. It's called parenthood.

BertPuttocks · 23/08/2015 21:50

It's completely normal.

I've done countless nursery pick-ups over the years. There have always been children (including a couple of mine) who were reluctant to leave with the parent/grandparent/childminder who had come to collect them.

No-one will be thinking "He must be a terrible parent if his own child doesn't want to leave with him!" Most will be too busy dealing with their own children. The rest will be thinking something like "At least it's not mine for once" and having every sympathy with your dh.

Favouring one parent over another is also completely normal and tends to go in stages and phases, switching from one favourite to another.

Branleuse · 23/08/2015 21:54

my dd went through a phase where she would scream when i picked her up. She wanted her dad, or her nana or whoever.

grin and bear it. It passes.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 23/08/2015 21:59

Not nursery - but DD2 went through a phase where DH could do no right. Fine playing with him if I was there. Just him and she'd get all worked up. She did grow out of it.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 23/08/2015 22:03

Is he more strict with her than you are?

Casmama · 23/08/2015 22:06

It's probably a novelty when you pick her up.

It will pass but when my DS did this to me for a while it helped whe the nursery workers told him that I would be arriving soon about 10 mins before I was due to arrive. I think it just meant he wasn't surprised or caught in the odd,e of something fun.

Original poster

Taler · 23/08/2015 22:38

Thanks so much again for the replies :)

It's comforting knowing others have experienced the same and hope it is just a phase.

In response to AnorherTimeMaybe: yes DH is stricter than me (that's generally how it goes though isn't, one patent stricter than the other)? I don't feel he's very realistic with her sometimes in terms of his expectations of her. I think it's purely from his frustration of how he thinks DD doesn't really like him, but like earlier today the 3 of us were out walking, DD went close to the edge of a wall where there was a fairly high drop so DH said to her she had to hold his hand (rightly so of course). DD didn't want to so DH picked her up (to keep her safe) and then DD had a paddy. While she was having her paddy she was wriggling in DH's arms and he was getting frustrated that she wouldn't be still.

I'm a bit worried that he's maybe wanting to back off as he feels rejected. There's been a number of times I've heard him say he feels like a "spare part":(

That's a good suggestion Casmama for the nursery to give DD warning just before DH arrives. Thank you.

OP posts:

BocaDeTrucha · 23/08/2015 23:01

Please, help him to not back off when this happens. I felt like backing off when I was not the flavour of the month, as it's quite normal to deal with rejection like that, but I kept telling myself, I'm his mum, he's a baby, he loves me and he's just learning and growing. Of course he loves me.

Vijac · 23/08/2015 23:09

As another poster wrote up thread, I think there is a psychological aspect to this behaviour that I've read about. I think it's to do with the relief they feel at seeing their parents and maybe also almost punishing them for leaving them. Or it could be that she likes the reaction it provokes!

Littlef00t · 26/08/2015 20:27

My dd often cries and doesn't want to go home with me from the childminder. There are still children there and it's more fun than going home with mummy.

It's not as extreme as your dh, but she'd wriggle and want to be out down, often crying when I perservered in leaving.

ZebraCrossing007 · 26/08/2015 21:17

My little one is the same - except we have a nanny. When I get home she often won't come to me, cries when the nanny leaves, no mummy no mummy. It's very embarrassing in front of her but 20 mins later she's her normal self. She's just mad at me for not being there. It's very hard but completely normal!

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