6 year old - oppositional defiance disorder or just plain naughty...

[Talk86]

I am having behavioural issues with my daughter - she has just turned 6 and feel like I am walking on eggshells around her.

She will flip at the slightest thing -usually when she doesn't get her own way or what she wants or if I ask her (calmly and nicely) to do something simple and basic like clean her teeth or get dressed...she is fine at school though!

A couple of nights ago she had a 20 minute screaming fit/meltdown at bedtime because I told her she couldn't have a bedtime story. She was misbehaving and got a warning that she would miss out on her story if she didn't stop. She didn't stop so I carried out my consequence and she didn't get a story and I calmly explained why and she absolutely lost control of her emotions and behaviour. Kicking, screaming, headbutting the bed. I stayed calm and tried to calm her down by holding (cuddling) her but she wouldn't let me touch her our cuddle her for about 10 minutes...she was in an absolute rage and I couldn't reach her emotionally..she was possessed.. it took 20 mins for her to calm down and she eventually went to sleep with me comforting her...

She also makes this repetitive, crying/guttural noise/sound with her throat when she is coming out of a meltdown as a self comfort thing..over and over and over and she also talks like a baby making baby noises... like 'ga ga and goo goo'...

She also hates being told off or even told to stop doing something even when it is said calmly..she does not like being given instructions and rarely follows them unless we get really cross... which I hate doing...

Sometimes she acts up and behaves very badly and then starts crying saying she just wants to cuddle...I would never withhold affection as a form of punishment and so I give her a cuddle and reassure her etc and she calms down then...but I wonder if she is sometimes just doing this to stop me from telling her off and me cuddling and calming her when she is upset and hysterical is somehow reinforcing her bad behaviour...argh!

I have read about something called 'oppositional defiance disorder' and wonder is she has got that? She clearly isn't happy about something but her behaviour is also putting a lot of strain on the rest of the family (she has an 8 year old brother who is really well behaved and cannot stand the screaming...)

Any advice would be so great right now.....is it more than bad behaviour and actually a real emotional/behavioural problem/condition...

sounds very familiar...I'm not sure about ODD in relation to my dd (also 6) and lots of people are sceptical about it. But you can be sure there is some underlying issue: most 6 year olds don't behave like this (mine does, so I'm not coming from a judgy position!). How is she at school? I think my child suffers from serious anxiety, because usually the thing that actually triggers the meltdown has its roots and origins in something much earlier and less trivial. Things that help: staying calm, not letting your voice betray your feelings, giving clear, short instructions; lots of when/then commands; consistency (easier said than done); framing demands as co-operation ("could you help me by", "it would be really useful if you could"). It's fucking hard work...not helped by the feeling (not saying you have this, but I do) that everyone just thinks I am too soft on her

Thanks rhetorician... I too get told that I am too soft on her...because sometimes she reacts so badly to any kind of discipline...sometimes I try and avoid confrontation and work around it but ultimately she always tries to put her foot down and be the boss.. a teacher friend of mine suggested that she might be feeling anxious so is pushing the boundaries big time to check that they are still there! So it's really important to be consistent as you say...it is hard work..she is ok at school..she struggled in the first term last Sept crying when she didn't get her own way but the teacher and I worked hard at helping her to stay calm and to stop doing this...so she is fine at school now and benefits from routine/stucture...the suggestions of framing the instructions as 'it would really help me etc' sound great - I'll try them tonight..good luck with your DD and thanks for the advice....

On the Special Needs board they often recommend a book called "The Explosive Child", might be worth looking at.