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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Absolutely mortified at the thought of putting my daughter into nursery

29 replies

nomez92 · 15/08/2015 01:14

Hi, I've gotten myself into such a state over my youngest daughter going to nursery in 3 weeks time. She was born 5 weeks early and has always been such a tiny little dot, from the second they placed her in my arms I absolutely fell in love with her and have been that way since, I have an amazing bond with her and the thought that maybe her going to nursery is going to weaken that is making me so upset. She's very clingy with me and cries everytime I walk out of the door even when dh is the one caring for her whilst I'm gone. I'm worried that she's going to think that I've just left her with complete strangers that she doesn't feel comfortable with and has no idea when I will return, I'm worried about other kids picking on her and being mean towards her, I'm worried that I won't be there to comfort her when she falls over and hurts herself and just worried about everything else that could go wrong in general! I know she will be very upset at me leaving her there which is going to be so tough on me :( she has barely left my side since the second she was born and now I feel as if I'm not going to be her whole entire world for much longer and I can't bare it. Am I being silly and over reacting? It's supposed to be the child upset not the mummy!! Just very upset and looking for reassurance I guess x

OP posts:

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RepeatAdNauseum · 15/08/2015 01:19

She'll be okay. Plenty of children are left at nursery to the first time and I've never seen one that didn't settle. They bond with their keyworker (who will be there to pick her up or cuddle her if she needs it) and she'll learn some vital independence. She'll be thrilled to see you when you get back, too.

There's very, very little bullying or teasing in nursery, too. Good nurseries have this totally under control.

Honestly, she will be fine. The settling in period might be rough for you both but she will be absolutely fine and it'll be so good for her, she'll meet lots of other children, she'll learn skills like independence and sharing and she'll get to do a whole range of new activities.

jollyjester · 15/08/2015 01:25

She will be fine. It's always harder on the parents.

She will thrive and form friendships and in time it will make you happy to see how well she gets on.

My dd is an only child but recently a friend commented on how well she socialised with others (friend has 4 children close in age) and I was so pleased to know that its her childcare setting that is helping

SavoyCabbage · 15/08/2015 01:36

Can you use the fact that you love her as a way to push yourself into doing it? If you see what I mean. It's the best thing for her so put her needs first.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 15/08/2015 01:52

How old is she, OP? Children do go through stages of being particularly clingy but they grow out of it, and do start to stretch their wings and become more independent. As hard as it is, that is what parenting is about, after all: helping our DC become healthy and happy adults

catkind · 15/08/2015 02:07

Are we talking a baby or a 3 yr old here?
If a baby, it's not too late to change your mind and go with a more homey cm environment if you think that will suit her personality better. It may be giving yourself permission to reconsider other options either gives you a strong - no, this nursery is def the right place - or turns up something unexpected that you feel better about. Not that it's not natural to have a wobble anyway with the best childcare in the world.

If 3 yr old, three weeks is loads of time to talk up the whole idea.

Either way will you have some settling in time so you can both get used to it? Dd's nursery encouraged us to stay as long as we needed (dd had other ideas and told us to go away!).

Original poster

nomez92 · 15/08/2015 09:44

Dd is 2 just turned, we decided she needed it because as I said she's super clingy and seems still very babyfied if you like. The nursey is a very good one and yes we are encouraged to stay with her as long as she needs us to, I've just gotten myself so upset over the whole thing because as I said she's barely left my side since the day she was born :( I just don't want to hinder her progress by bursting into tears every time I drop her off! I know I need to let her go and that it's best for her development to go to nursery. I didn't have this issue with dd1 she's always seemed much older and more capable. I am actually 24 weeks pregnant with our last baby now so it could be the hormones playing up! I'm just worrying so much

OP posts:

RJnomore · 15/08/2015 09:50

You need to get a gentle grip of yourself Nd let her see you are confident leaving her and it's a good thing. Then go howl in the car if you need to.

Are you confident in your choice of nursery and the staff there?

Nolim · 15/08/2015 10:00

She will be fine.

It will help her to settle if you show a positive attitude when you drop her off. Smile, wave bye bye, tell her you wil be back. And then as someone said go and howl in the car if you have to.

insancerre · 15/08/2015 10:07

Children are very clever and behave the way you expect them to
If you act like its a big deal, like the end of the world, then that's how your dd is going to react too
Its always harder for the mothers but most don't let their children see that
Children are very in tune with their mothers emotions so to successfully settle a child in to nursery you need to be really positive about the whole experience
And then go and cry in the car afterwards
I'm sure she will be fine as most nurseries are very experienced at settling in children but remember she doesn't need to be there and you can always keep her at home

Sapat · 15/08/2015 10:12

All three of mine went to nursery from the age of 1 for 10 hours a day as I have always worked full time.

My 3rd was a bit unhappy for the first hour for a fortnight and was distraught as soon as he was picked up in the evening but fine in between and now loves it.

My second was more clingy and I think was never pleased to go there but enjoyed his time. He has just finished Reception where he was the youngest in year and did really well, I think Nursery helped him adapt to new environment and being part of an organised group.

My first has autism and loved nursery (she never really cared where she was). Because of her special needs and her being my first I was unsure how she would cope, so I put her with a childminder for 6 months so that her transition was a home from home one (the CM was a friend we knew well with a DD the same age). Tbh I think she got more attention at nursery as the ratio of staff to baby is high, the staff are devoted to the children and they do fun thinks like messy play, sensory play etc that we never did at home.

A good nursery would be in tune with your child and adapt their care according to her needs. Why don't you have a longer settling in period? Or try part time using your annual leave? I have done this with my 3rd on my return, only worked 3 days for the first 6 weeks using A/L.

A more expensive option would be a nanny at home.

tethersend · 15/08/2015 10:15

She will be fine.

But you don't have to put her in nursery if you don't want to.

At only just two, and with another baby on the way, there are lots of reasons not to put her into nursery if you don't want to. Staying at home with you for another year isn't going to harm her independent skills at nursery when she starts- a year makes a huge amount of difference at this age.

If you need the time away from her for work or for any reason, rest assured that she will be fine. But if you don't want her to go, she absolutely doesn't have to. Her social skills and development will be fine if she stays at home with you for another year.

Good luck with it

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 10:19

Och she will be fine and it will do her and you good you wont be dumping and running you will have settiling in sessions

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 10:22

Oh and what tethersend said either way she will be ok if she doesnt like it you can bring her out and send her the preschool year

insancerre · 15/08/2015 10:34

Don't worry about her attachment to you suffering because of going to nursery
The research into attachment theory by john bowlby et al shows children can make multiple attachments without causing any harm to their primary attachment. These theories are the reasoning behind the statutory requirementfor every xchild to have a key person. Children need to form attachments for them to settle and to learn and develop.
I would ask the nursery if they would do a home visit to visit hour dd in familiar surroundings and to start developing the key person bond

Original poster

nomez92 · 15/08/2015 10:44

Thank you all, your positive comments are very helpful. I will be on maternity leave in the next few weeks so really I should be looking forward to having that time while the girls are at nursery to have a little break before we have a newborn again but it's just not feeling that way! I think I'll be lost without a child at home all day and no work! I'm sure she'll be absolutely fine eventually and I'm sure I will too. Gosh imagine how upset I will be when they all leave home!

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 10:47

Who has her when you are at work?

Original poster

nomez92 · 15/08/2015 10:47

Thank you insancerre, that information is very welcomed and definitely makes me feel better! Yes her nursery does do home visits from key worker the week before they start so she will get the chance to meet her first

OP posts:

Original poster

nomez92 · 15/08/2015 10:48

Dh if not working himself or grandparents but my hours are not so long as I've been having issues during this pregnancy

OP posts:

ButtonClown · 15/08/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step · 15/08/2015 10:57

You say she's barely left your side since she was a newborn, yet you also work. So she has been looked after by others for a few hours a week at least?

I do understand how difficult it can be when children start nursery. I've done it with both of mine. That said, I think you will need to be very careful here OP. Careful that your DD doesn't pick up on your worries. You might need to act all chipper and talk about how wonderful nursery will be. Exaggerate the fantastic time she will have with all her new friends. You must hide your anxiety or your DD. Otherwise she will hate it, you will pull her out and then you will find it hard to send her to pee school or even school.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 11:00

Ah ok could her dad do the drop offs at nursery maybe she will settle better if he does it.

WhatifIdid · 15/08/2015 11:08

I'm going to against the grain here.

She's 2. Babyfied, but really only just out of babyhood. 3 years before she has to start school.

If you don't really want her to go, there's no reason why she should.

She will grow out of her clinginess.

However if you need a break - well she'll adjust in time to nursery.

(My youngest is about to leave home - after 4 decades of children at home. But you know, we'll all adjust!)

Original poster

nomez92 · 15/08/2015 11:19

Yes I only recently got back in to work last year after leaving my job after dd1 was born almost 4 years ago. So I've spent all my time with her apart from the few hours I've been going to work. I obviously am not going to cry in front of her and upset her unnecessarily. I have of course told her how much fun it's going to be and how many new friends she will make. I know full well I'm overreacting but I'm still upset, I have an anxiety disorder as well which definitely doesn't help in these situations

OP posts:

tethersend · 15/08/2015 11:19

Agreed, WhatifIdid.

I think you will need to factor in the effect of a new baby on her too.

For some children, going to nursery when a new sibling is born actively helps them to adjust, and they enjoy the independence- others find it very difficult indeed to be away from the home and the parent who now has a new baby, and experience it as a rejection.

Whatever you choose OP, I'm sure you'll be mindful of this- if you choose nursery, they may be able to help support your DD when her sibling is born. If you choose to keep her at home, she will learn to bond with her new sibling and accommodate them into her secure idea of home before setting out into nursery and independence.

tethersend · 15/08/2015 11:21

Sorry, x post.

Honestly, if you don't want to send her or it's causing you anxiety, you really don't have to.

Do what's best for you and your family

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