In-law question

[Newlywed56]

Will try to keep this concise!, just want some advice really on anyone who maybe has a few problem areas with their inlaws. I really do like my inlaws etc and there was no issues before our baby was born, however since born they seem to constantly need an update , see the baby every weekend (complain if we say no to them when I was sick or we have plans that weekend and they can't really visit etc which has only been twice in 12 weeks!) they live A couple of hours drive away whereas my family live close and see the baby regularly (they don't know just how regularly as I don't want them to feel like they are missing out but my mum sees the baby everyday even if just for 5 mins!) I had an awful birth and was very ill for about 7 weeks after it and have just found it allo be very intense when I was trying to recover so I don't know if it just really upset me then and I am still upset from that or It's ok to feel like this. My husband has been so supportive and really has tried his best to keep them happy without offending but nothing just seems to be enough. Like even when they visit it doesn't seem to be enough they then want to watch her on their own, they have been saying for weeks about us leaving the baby with them and us going out for a couple of hours ( I am ebf so use that as my main excuse) but I just don't feel ready to leave the baby with them as although they have had a few of their own children they just seem to have forgotten how to look after a baby and I don't feel confident having them watch her without me being there as they seem to panic when she cries etc! can just imagine them discussing that I'm overprotective and like hormonal or something anyone any suggestions? Spoke to husband about it and he doesn't think telling them how I feel will work as says it will likely open a can of worms and will hurt their feelings, better to just deal with things as they arise. I do mostly agree with him on this as its nearly been left too long and will hurt their feelings but at the same time doesn't really resolve the issue! I understand they are just both excited grandparents for the first time and want to see her as much as possible I'm just finding it difficult to balance everything

2 hour drive each way, they both still work full time so I do get its quite a bit of effort, though they also say it's not worth it for a short visit lol, personally I think an hour would be better than nothing!

Your dh needs to put his foot down about visits every weekend. My mil hinted strongly about being left alone with ds when he was 4 months. I really surprised myself by laughing and saying "gosh no, he's my pfb, no way am I leaving him! what if he gets hungry? He's not allowed to cry you know!! "... Nothing more was said till he was 6 months, when I felt fine leaving him. You are not obliged to do anything you don't want to. Asserting your opinions at this stage will make things so much easier down the line.

So they would like you to allocate them one full day of every weekend just to host their visits to their DGD? Sorry but that's just not reasonable.

It probably is a bit hard for them to swallow the fact that your mum see her more but she doesn't dominate your time in that way, she did the same before the baby arrived so she wants to see you too and you're able to fit around each other.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you're busy some weekends, especially if you can offer a shorter alternative slot in the week instead. If they don't want the make the effort to use that, so be it.

Please don't let yourself get tied into an unbreakable routine. Give your DH a kick up the arse and get him to tell them you're having a quiet weekend to yourselves next week.

There's no law that says GPs have to have equal access to their DGCs. There are too many variables in terms of distances to travel, family routines, personality types, etc. Don't push them away any more than you need to, OP but also don't be pressured into feeling tied down and resentful. That won't help anyone.

I may be in the minority but:

Your child is yours (and obv you husbands) baby - no one else has any right to expect anything at all. In an ideal world grandparents would all be helpful, make you confident in their abilities and live an equal distance to have equal access but it just doesn't work like that.

My DD is a toddler now and has never been left with any of my husbands family; we've seem them once every couple of months at most since she was born. Whereas my folks stayed for a week after she was born and got left with her when she was 2 days old so we could run to the shops.

It sounds like, given their distance you have seen them a fair amount and provided updates. You obviously feel more comfortable around your mum (which is common enough although would drive me nuts).

I personally wouldn't bother having a show down about it; but just quietly and consistently say no when you don't want visitors.

We've had rumblings on my side of the family about having DD 'alone' from when she was very small but I just ignored it until there was a good reason / need for it! Likewise my sis has mentioned repeatedly about taking her on holiday - again ignoring until DD is old to have a legitimate say in the matter (which won't be until she's a LOT older). Saying no would just lead to a meltdown and family drama.

Sorry if my message didn't come across as it should. Was nursing at the time of sending and didn't check it through.

I agree that I wouldn't leave my child and no you should stop your mum from seeing her but what I meant was think how they feel. They might not feel as close because of the distance.

The best thing to do is be honest and tell them how you feel. Your daughter is your main priority and you should do what makes you and baby happy.