When do you overstep the 'godmother perogative ' line?

[DoMyBest]

We recently had a family pub lunch with a good friend and her primary school age children, one of whom is my godson.
She ordered a roast for one son then, when it arrived at the table with gravy & he complained, ordered a totally new meal for him. My godson, meanwhile, said he would only eat macaroni cheese, then refused to eat it.
When it came to pudding, my boys were allowed a kid's scoop of ice cream each (partly because they were allowed to as they'd finished their lunch, partly because it was the cheapest thing on the menu). I expected my godson to be told no pudding as he'd barely touched his meal, but to my amazement he was given a huge, adult, pudding of his choice.
My friend really is lovely, and teaches her children good values & respect for others etc. Should I raise the issue of giving in to fussy eating with her, or would that be pushing the boundaries of godmotherly perogative?

why would you let a child decide to eat sweet stuff but refuse a proper meal?

If the meal is part of a healthily balanced diet, why would you decide on behalf of the child, which bits of that diet they need that day?

By making them eat savoury in order to earn sweet, you are teaching them to value sweet more. I don't choose to allow my children to select from a balanced range of foods because I am lazy or weak. I encourage them to do it because I would like them to grow up enjoying all types of food equally and listening to what their body tells them to eat and, TBH, it's working pretty well so far.

Whenever I see a child refusing food but being allowed puddings or sweets, I think the parents are either lazy or they allow their child to dictate.

Enabling children to make appropriate choices isn't allowing them to dictate. That kind of view is rooted in a fear of losing control which I have no reason to experience. I don't feel the need to exert control over what goes in my children's mouths. My job finishes when I make sensible amounts of a variety of foods available to them. They don't get to refuse a plate of casserole then chomp through a huge bowl of cake and ice cream to fill them up but, if a scoop of ice cream is on the menu that day, they will be allowed to eat that. If that isn't enough to keep them going until the next meal, they will have learned a valuable lesson.

My children's tastes have changed naturally as they have matured. DD1 found the taste and texture of mushrooms repulsive for years. Recently she has found that she now enjoys them. Nobody had to force her to try them. She chose to do so when she was ready. Previously to this they were often included in the food I cooked and she was allowed to leave them if she so wished.

DD2 used to hate egg yolk but now loves a plate of boiled eggs and soldiers. Nobody ever had to make her try them. She just chose to do that one day and decided that she now liked them.

I'm not sure why that makes me lazy. Maybe they would have tried and liked things sooner but maybe they would have resisted trying new foods for longer if put under pressure. Our approach has certainly made for enjoyable stress-free mealtimes in our family which I value very highly.

By making them eat savoury in order to earn sweet, you are teaching them to value sweet more

It's not a case of eating savoury so they can earn sweet. It's about not wasting food and changing their mind and expecting to be allowed to be picky.
The pudding is not the meal, it's for after a meal. Surely you are allowing them to value sweet more by giving in to them choosing a sweet.
Pudding has no real nutritional value so should not be allowed in place of a healthy meal.
You should have control about what goes in your children's mouths,...that is your job as a parent but I don't think you are talking about the same thing I am,....I was referring to a child being fussy and being allowed to be and rewarded for that behaviour by being allowed the pudding.

She may realise the issue but being out for lunch in company did not want to create an argument with the children or make an atmosphere. I've been there myself sometimes it's easier in public just to let it go and deal with it at home.

I was referring to a child being fussy and being allowed to be and rewarded for that behaviour by being allowed the pudding.

The difference between us is that I don't perceive foods as rewards, sanctions or incentives. The dessert is one part of the child's diet.

I don't 'give in' to a child choosing sweet. There is nothing to 'give in' about because I never try to resist in the first place.

If a child chooses to eat nothing but a small amount of dessert at a mealtime, they will soon learn that it is not sufficient to sustain them until the next meal. When that mealtime comes along, they will enjoy the whole meal all the more because food is far more attractive when you are hungry.

In many years of caring for other people's children and my own, I have never once felt it was my job to decide what children put in their mouths or in what order. It has only ever been my job to ensure that the food presented to them makes up an attractive, healthy, balanced diet (obviously as far as is possible when a child is only with me for certain meals).

Children need to be enabled to learn to listen to their appetites. This is what sets them up for healthy relationships with food in the future. Deciding for them what and how much they should eat and bribing them to eat one food in order to earn another is not healthy or desirable, however you dress it up.

If you don't feel able to relinquish that control that is entirely up to you but please don't suggest to me that I am lazy, weak or not doing my job. I am confident that my approach is the right one, although I will always continue to reflect on it, and this has been borne out by my success in having helped several families I've worked with resolve fussy eating problems. The underlying issue is often (but clearly not always) the parents' inability to relinquish control and their associated anxiety.

Puddings have nutritional value. Calories of course, and starches, sugars, fruit, eggs, dairy often feature.

Of course they're not what most people want to eat all the time. Allow children (& adults!) to eat what they really fancy without judgment (disapproval or approval) and they will choose a nutritious diet overall. I see it with my 6yo. We've gone out for pizza and he's chosen chocolate brownie & ice cream for both 'main' and pudding, so 2 helpings and no pizza, another time he's had a second (small) pizza instead of pudding, usually he just has pizza and declines even ice cream afterwards. If I think about what else he's been eating over a few days and about how active he's been, his choices usually make perfect sense.

To be fair your friends approach may actually be a healthier approach to preventing potential eating disorders.

It is much better to avoid parental control issues around food, such as dictating inappropriate eating rules like forcing a child to finish something in order to be rewarded with a dessert.

I have been known to order something else for food-terrified ds if he panics at an unfamiliar version of food, to ensure he gets to eat something and doesn't have the terrible behaviour of a hungry child. Dessert is fine when out. At home, there are no desserts, only a bedtime treat biscuit or similar - dd and dn sometimes ask for frozen peas!

From experience, the similar kids who grew up forced to eat what was on offer just got good at sneaking food onto the floor or into pockets, and grabbing as much food they did like as possible, all with a huge amount of anxiety.

Asking how the parents would like you to act if you take the child out for tea would be helpful, but follow their lead and suggestions, and don't jeopardize your relationship with the child who will already know they are judged for having their throat seize up at the thought of certain foods.