worried about 10 year old son

[bandymandy12]

hi
my son has always been very challenging - long tantrums, difficulty playing with more than one child when he was younger. he has got better with that as he has grown up.
he is now ten. popular, funny,clever. always had a problem with empathy. often said hurtful things to other friends - always picked him up on it but thought just typical behaviour. however, i had a parent evening at the beginning of the year with a new teacher who told me he wasnt very nice to others, strong willed, cocky, boastful. making comments to others bout how clever he is which is making others feel bad about themselves. i was very upset and had a long chat to him about improving his behaviour. he improved. but still got comments in his final report about being a strong character who finds it difficult to control saying his opinions in class, and has difficulty working in a team. he is also competitive and finds it difficult to lose sometimes. likes to be in charge and have people do what he wants.

I feel very sad about it and now paranoid. i worry all the time about his behaviour, whether hes upset someone, why hes not as nice and kind as the other boys in his class. i wish i didnt compare but i find it hard. does anyone have any advice or read some good books about how to parent a boy like this?

many thanks

Have a read around Asperger's and High Functioning Autism. Children who have this condition can work hard to hide their difficulties and fit in socially but still make occasion crass errors which others can find hurtful. Strategies used to help these children understand social rules, recognise and manage their emotions and be less rigid in their thinking might help your DS.

Try to think this as more about him struggling to understand the social world around him and finding it hard to manage his strong emotions rather than bad behaviour. The more you understand what is going on for him and how the world appears to him, the easier you will find it to help him.

I like The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. Despite the title, it's not just for kids who can't make friends. There are chapters on different personalities and you might find some of your DS’s behaviour in the chapter on the “Born Leader”. It’s worth having a skim through the other chapters too, there’s a list of activities at the end of the book and it includes activities that teach how to avoid bragging, cultivate empathy and kindness, respect other people's opinions, etc.

And as well as helping kids to overcome their problems the book shows how to bring out the positive qualities that can go along with negative ones – a "Born Leader" can grow up to really inspire other people and make things happen!

Thanks for your replys and advice, it's really helpful. don't think he has autism etc as doesn't have any other symptoms. I think I will get that book as it looks good.

Thanks again! X

don't think he has autism etc as doesn't have any other symptoms.

I didn't intend to suggest that he has Autism; just that the strategies used to help children with ASD could help him