Don't Know how to help ds

[elleMNOP]

For the first time since starting reception class in September, my ds (4.5) did not want to go to school today. I managed to calm him down and took him in and he was fine until his friend, lets call him Bill, arrived and then he got all unsettled again. Bill and ds have known each other for about 2 years through day nursery. They were very excited to be going to the same reception class but since they started their friendship seems to be going down the tubes.
Bill knew two other children at the school and he has told ds that ds is not allowed to play with him when he is with his other friends . This seemed to be a daily event but ds?s response was to go and find other people to play with and he now seems to have other friends that he talks about regularly and who run up to him in the mornings to play. This is great but whilst these friendships are growing the friendship with Bill is disintegrating.
Last week ds told me that Bill kept threatening to "tell the teacher on him". I asked him what for and it was for trivial things the teacher wouldn?t be interested in but ds couldn't rationalise it that way and was very upset. Bill obviously picked that up and kept on doing it.
This sudden regular needling of my ds by Bill last week got him so upset that today for the first time ds didn?t want to go to school. I managed to calm him down and get him there and he was OK until he saw Bill who, within minutes of arriving, said stuff that reduced ds to tears. I comforted him and then handed him over to the class teacher and left quickly because I felt like crying.
Typing this it sounds so silly ? they are just 4 year olds, this happens, kids are like that at this age etc etc etc ? but to ds it?s very upsetting and I guess I just want to know how to help him rise above Bill?s comments. Maybe he can?t, maybe it?s a necessary evil he has to endure and eventually he will understand that it isn?t worth getting upset over. My biggest worry is that I am failing him, that I haven?t given him the confidence and strength he needs to just walk away from this kind of situation. Should mention that I was bullied at primary school but am trying hard not to pass my baggage onto ds.
Don't really know what to do. Am nervous of speaking to BIll's mum. She seems very nice but I don't want to come over as attacking her son but, apart from making new friends, my ds doesn't seem to have done anything else to annoy Bill.
Sorry this is so rambling, I'm not sure what I'm asking people to respond to. Just to know that this isn't an unusual situation would be good.

Definitely not unusual - most children will go there at some point, unless they're one of the 'super confident' types.
Invite Bill round for tea. Slip in a few comments and questions about his relationship with ds.
My ds1 was a bit clingy towards one particular friend and found it hard to understand that this child didn't want to play with him evry single day.
They are still best friends & they're 13 now.

ds2, on the other hand, was the 'Bill' in your situation. He was pally with twin boys. When they all started Nursery together, one of the twins made several new friends, but the other was very clingy towards ds2. He made ds2's life a misery - he would cry and run to the teacher saying ds2 wouldn't play with him, and ds2 got told off for being unkind! All he wanted to do was play with several different children, not just the one clingy friend.

So I can see the situation from both sides. I felt very sad for ds1 when his best friend didn't want to play with him, but it made me cross that ds2 was made to feel guilty because the other child was obsessed with him.

Don't worry - just encourage him to play with other children. Ask him who else he likes. Maybe you could have them back for tea separately.

It's very early days - they've only been at school for a few weeks and it's a HUGE change for all of them.

actually the comments 'bill' is making sound quite sophisticated to me, the friends ds has at school (he's 4 as well) I think are more basic than that sort of "I'm going to tell teacher on you" stuff.....I thought that would be older children, blimey!

Definitely ask for a quick chat with the teacher about this. She, or the assistant, dinner lady or whoever, need to be told that this is upsetting ds, otherwise how can they sheild him from it, or give him strategies to deal with it?

Don't take this one on yourself - you can't help ds because you are not THERE! The teachers are there, put this where it belongs.....

of course you can back it up at home by supporting his new friendships, and by re-inforcing that 'bill' is not worth playing with unless he can be a nice friend....but don't even think of talking to his mum; this is for the school to deal with......it's a transition, isn't it, from dealing with all the things that affect our children, to suddenly having to let go a bit.

Definitely talk to the teacher, if that doesn't work invite "bill" and his mum around for tea and have a (subtle) chat with her?

sunnysideup - I think the part of the original post that tells the biggest story is this... 'My biggest worry is that I am failing him, that I haven?t given him the confidence and strength he needs to just walk away from this kind of situation. Should mention that I was bullied at primary school but am trying hard not to pass my baggage onto ds.' I think elleMNOP needs reassurance that this is NOT an unusual situation. My ds2 who was 'Bill' actually reached the point where he came home one day crying about this child who wouldn't leave him alone and said that he would be better off dead. Young children blow these situations out of all proportion.
elleMNOP By all means tell the class teacher, but PLEASE don't think that you or your child are inadequate in some way.

you help him by talking to the teacher and letting her know what you 'think' is happening ..

Not an unusual situation,have a friend whose son islike yours and other friend is "bill".I would tell the teacher,I bet she already knows there is something going on.

thank you all. i will speak to the teacher and i think that i should make a date for Bill and ds to get together outside of school - that is if ds wants to at, the moment any thought of Bill makes him panic.

Fortyplus thank you. That is the nub of it you are right.

Thanks all.

DS is going through the same at the moment he has started part time at his new school but still goes to nursery in the days I can not pick him up at regular time.

He loves his new school but won't talk to the children. In nursery, it seems like everyone wants to play with him but it's a bit too much for him. Last time I was talking about this to the teacher, another child came and started to hug and kiss DS so roughly that I could figure out what was going to happen, one snaps back and then DS is bitten, pushed or kicked in return.

Last week DS came home with a slight purple eye with good scratches on the eyelids and while I was still fuming at it, mum of the other boy contacted me asking if her child could come to play at our house as he really liked to come with us. Feel sad for the other child but as long as DS insists he doesn't want him here... I'm with him.

When I said knowledgeable vegetarian I had in mind a person who knows how to provide meat substitutes in order to keep a nutritive diet.

As far as I know it's not as simple as removing x and y from the diet, especially when meat is a main source of protein. If I had the knowledge to support that decission fine, but if I didn't I would probably ignore the request and keep serving meat. Now, it would be a tragedy if DS decided to stop eating meat, with him being allergic to fish, eggs, nuts, soya, and most legumes, I would be in a serious problem to make up for it

OOOOPS!!! (WRONG THREAD )

oh chandra your poor ds! As you suggest, I think I will let ds lead on this as far as inviting BIll round for tea. If he doesn't want Bill to come then Bill won't come.

I think what I missed when I was being bullied (NOT that ds is necessarily being bullied) was the knowledge that my parents were behind me all the way no matter what. Back in the day the message I got from my parents was that the bullying was my fault because I didn't stand up for myself. As a child I didn't feel like I was worth listening to or that my needs were in anyway equal to those of my parents or other people's come to that. It took me a long time to shake that belief off.

"Back in the day the message I got from my parents was that the bullying was my fault because I didn't stand up for myself."

Typical! what were our parents thinking???

I hate it when people do that put down thing.
On Saturday a kid had his mobile phone stolen from the changing rooms at Rugby - the coach gave the kid a load of grief about how he was stupid to leave it there. Bet he wouldn't do that to an adukt.
And last week I took something into school that my son had forgotten - I joined the Q for student services behind about 3 teenage girls. The staff member waved them aside and spoke to me first - I told her that I was in the Q behind them and was happy to wait until she'd dealt with them.

Absolutely fortyplus. I wonder if that's why our teenagers are (according to "official statistics") the most unruly in Europe. We still tend to stick to the idea that children should "be seen and not heard". I expect it's more complex than that but it's something to think about.

My 2 are generally what other people would call 'well behaved' and I put it down to the fact that I've always treated them like human beings, not a lower form of life