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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 7 year old gets really stressed and then has a meltdown, normal or not?

50 replies

BunnyRuddington · 09/07/2015 22:50

Have name changed for this one as pretty sure some RL friends have worked out my usual MN name.

My dd is 7, almost 8. She has an elder brother who teases her, but we are trying to work on this.

The main problem is that if we ask her to do anything, she seems to get really stressed, this can escalate very quickly and she can become violent. Time out can work, but if she really can't calm down, sometimes, like last night, only a hug will do. She even admitted she couldn't calm down by herself.

So is this normal for a girl or is it a sign that she has need of some additional help?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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girliefriend · 11/07/2015 18:05

Bunny yes I think that sounds very much like a sensory issue, can you ask for a OT referral? Dds school did her ref.

Orangeanddemons · 11/07/2015 18:19

Mine is also ultra fussy with food. I just give her what she'll eat and offer new things now and then. She never eats them, but I try. She is the same about certain types of clothes, buttons for instance.

Original poster

BunnyRuddington · 11/07/2015 18:30

Is OT occupational therapy? Have just read this article and I'm trying my best not to cry as DD is in the room. Even if she has ASD I know that it does have positives so don't know why I'm suddenly so upset. Can't believe that we and the GPs have missed it for so long. Think I am more upset with myself than for her future.

Having read it, I'm not too sure about myself either...

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Original poster

BunnyRuddington · 11/07/2015 18:32

lexy she can go into a complete meltdown over choosing what she wants for breakfast.

It's so hard to ow what is being "strong willed", as I have a will of iron and what could be a trait of autism.

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lexyloub · 11/07/2015 18:39

Oh sorry. Go speak to her teacher about your concerns see if anything tallys up with how she is in school not nessessarily with the melt downs but sensory issues and social skills. Ask for a referral to a paediatric therapist/psychologist they'll be able to tell you if there's anything serious going on. Big hugs to you I know how straining children can be on your sanity. I find wine helps

girliefriend · 11/07/2015 21:54

Yes OT is occupational therapy, they tend to be the ones to recognise sensory issues. I tried speaking to dds GP about some of her issues and he just shrugged them all off

My dd has issues with certain clothes (too tight, too itchy etc) certain smells, tastes but also issues with being highly sensitive to pain, hair washing/brushing, cutting toe nails can be traumatic!!

However most 'meltdowns' result from being unable to filter difficult feelings. So for example if she gets frustrated because I have told her its time to come in from playing outside and then she sustains a minor injury this will result in a complete meltdown which could go on for a long time.

What helps is being able to recognise when things start to build up, so with the above example what I try and do is give plenty of warning that it will soon be time to come in, as she comes in explain what is happening next (now it is time for dinner/bath etc) sometimes this works sometimes it doesn't!!

Original poster

BunnyRuddington · 11/07/2015 22:26

Don't think talking to her teacher is going to help sadly. She's an nqt, and not a very confidence inspiring one at that. Also, dd behaves like a complete angel whilst there.

Might talk to the senco at her school though. Have a lot of respect for her as a teacher and she has taught did in year 1. Perhaps she might be able to help.

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girliefriend · 11/07/2015 23:23

Thats where I started and I also talked to the home/school liaison lady who was very helpful.

mummytime · 11/07/2015 23:48

Do talk to your GP and you are requesting a reffral to a paediatrician (or possibly CAHMS). You may need to stick your ground.
Start to keep a note book of things you remember and notice. It will help when you get to see a paediatrician.
If the SENCO is unhelpful then challenger her to look at ASD in girls.

NinjaLeprechaun · 12/07/2015 01:14

"Can't believe that we and the GPs have missed it for so long."
Bunny I wasn't diagnosed until earlier this year, and I'm 43.
As I mentioned above, my daughter's ADHD was missed until she was 13. At a meeting with her teacher when she was 10 or 11 I asked if she could have some sort of a 'learning difficulty' that might be causing her problems... she was a school refuser from the age of 5 or 6, and struggled to start school work let alone finish it... the woman laughed at me. I'm still bitter about that one.
As far as I'm concerned, if you're looking into it when she's 7 you're ahead of the game. At that age I just assumed it was within the range of 'normal'.

Original poster

BunnyRuddington · 12/07/2015 11:20

Thanks so much all of you for your support and insights. I'm going to request an appointment with absence tomorrow and see how we go on from there

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TheSconeOfStone · 13/07/2015 10:42

"Can't believe that we and the GPs have missed it for so long."

We only became aware of DD's problems due to the fact she is far from being a perfect angel at school so it sounds like your DD copes really well in that environment.

I've been told that girls mask well and that diagnosis is much later than with boys, if at all. I have been told by the Child Development Centre that I am ahead of the game in trying to get help for my DD at 7.

Don't feel bad.

Hellionsitem2 · 13/07/2015 23:21

ASD is often genetic OP. It's likely one of her parents/grandparents is also.

Can your DD take this test. My psychologist friend sent me the link to the test, so it must be good!

archive.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

Sensory issues, struggling with new situations/change, feeling overwhelmed aren't solely ASD qualities. My DS (aged 8) has these qualities and scored 5 on the test. So he's the other extreme but still outside of the normal range

BrieAndChilli · 14/07/2015 10:00

Ds1 is 8 but we knew since he was about 3 that he had some aspergers traits. Researching it for him made us all realise that FIL has Aspergers too. He went for an assessment which was supposed to be 3 parts. After the first part they said no need to do the rest as it was obvious he had aspergers! He was 60! It's put a lot things into place for him and we no longer see him just as a grumpy old man with outbursts, we can see what is a trigger for him and manage the situation better than we did before. FIL also now recognises that it is him with the 'problem' in some situations so instead of ranting and raving he will remove himself from the situation (ie children being noisy at a farm park for example, in the past he would rant that they were noisy and should be quiet, whereas now he understands it's his tolerance that is low and will go for a walk somewhere quieter)

Anyway what I am trying to say is it is easy to miss something until it's pointed out by an outsider

Original poster

BunnyRuddington · 14/07/2015 22:18

Thanks again everyone, I really don't know how I would have got through the last few days without you all .

Spoke to the Senco today, she was extremely sympathetic and was well aware of masking. She is referring DD for some play therapy to help her deal with her emotions. Once that is in place I'll see about getting her formally tested.

As for the family, lots of family joke that DH is autistic and have read the traits for Aspergers, I think might just describe me...

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Original poster

BunnyRuddington · 21/07/2015 22:40

Ok, the more I've thought about it and taken more notice of her triggers, the more I am convinced that testing for ASD might be worthwhile.

So, how do I go about getting her tested?

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Original poster

BunnyRuddington · 22/07/2015 07:01

Anyone?

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SophiePendragon · 22/07/2015 07:39

Hi JJJ

we just began the process with ds2 (he is just 8)

It became clear to me something isn't right, more so as he gets older. The things that were 'sweet little ds' being different, are now still there, and it is more obviously not very normal as it were.

I phoned the GP and spoke over the phone - he is v sensible and said there is little point him looking at ds for ten minutes and deciding based on that - better to go from my concerns. He wrote notes for a referral letter talking to me, then referred us to the local assessment place (at the hospital - separate building) and I rang them and they said they had referred us on to CAMHS as he was too big at 8 for them to do.

I'm still waiting for CAMHS to contact me but am told by school senco (whom I spoke to about it all initially) that they will send a questionnaire and then send the school one too and then they will invite him in for assessment if they think he needs it.

It could take months I am told so sooner you start the better - it's already been well over a month since I rang the GP. Important to get it done before secondary apparently as that can be a critical point.

Best of luck xx

Chippedrippedandstinking · 22/07/2015 08:04

Hi, OP we a&e in a similar position with DS1 who is 6. The most useful thing I've read is "the Out of Sync child" - I got my copy for a couple of quid on eBay. It's all about recognising sensory issues, we found it very helpful.

I've pushed for a diagnosis and the service here is very slow so we have done this privately, seeing OT, Child psych and SLT. It's very early days for us but knowing that he's wired up differently and isn't just being difficult, has really helped.

Good luck x

Goldmandra · 22/07/2015 10:55

Make an appointment to see your GP without her because then you will be able to talk freely. Explain your concerns and ask for a referral to whoever carries out neurodevelopmental assessments in your area. It's usually CAMHS or a community paediatrician.

You will have to be very clear that you don't consider her difficulties to be just a normal phase of development. Explain how your lives are restricted by her difficulties and if there are any ASD specific strategies the appear to help her. Also be clear about what behaviour management strategies you use and how she responds to them, especially if this is very different to how your DS responds.

Be prepared to be pushy. Waiting lists are long and you can always cancel if things sort themselves out before the appointment comes round.

Good luck.

TheSconeOfStone · 22/07/2015 22:57

I approached our gp last April listing examples of dd's behaviour. Gp thought ADHD and referred to child development centre. Saw paediatrician in September and referred to ASD pathway. Still waiting and expecting to start ASD assessment in September. We've been given questionnaires to complete and return.

The school senco and various other counsellors, communication team and psychologist have been involved due to problems at school, dd much better out of school, but they haven't help with getting an assessment. It's been left to me to liaise between everybody.

Goldmandra · 22/07/2015 23:37

It's been left to me to liaise between everybody.

Sadly that isn't unusual.

A good strategy is to get everybody's email addresses and send an update to them all every now and then with what's happened recently and what needs to happen next, asking who is responsible for that next step and how long you should expect to wait. Include any concerns you might have over things being left too long, e.g. starting a new term without appropriate support in school.

In terms of the assessment, ask who is coordinating it and what is still required in terms of reports from professionals. Again copy that email to everybody involved.

LowBumsMum · 23/07/2015 20:00

My thoughts exactly. I have the same behaviours with my 9 year old son and the explosive child had really helped me understand him. Even so, as I rewrite this with painful ears after another ear piercing screaming episode I haven't cracked it yet. School has been very supportive and he is going to talk things though with someone next year to try and help him develop some coping strategies to deal with getting easily overwhelmed.
Today has been good in parts but any diversion from what he had anticipated and looked forward to he just can't handle. It's exhausting and very demoralising at times.
Read the explosive child and know you are not alone and it's not your fault but that they need some help developing the skills to handle situations that other children take in their stride.
Good luck.

Original poster

BunnyRuddington · 23/07/2015 23:17

Thank you Lowbums, it's good to know I'm not alone.

Gold your advice is great, thank you. Will definitely get everyone's contact details along the way.

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helsbelS04 · 28/07/2015 07:59

My dd is also like this at times too. Don't be too quick to look for a label for her, ASD is very complex and many of us show different traits at different points in our lives. Could it be that she is needing a bit more of your attention 1:1? Not suggesting for a moment that you dont give it to her, but she has just finished her school year so will be tired, hormones starting to kick in, brother not being nice to her, tests at school? Changes of class and new teacher coming up. Long holiday at home with difficult brother etc. Perhaps she is feeling overwhelmed and a bit insecure. We have made a point of dd having 1:1 time with adults- nan, me, auntie etc. It has made a huge difference.

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