Feeling heartbroken at DD's behaviour

[RagingJellyBean]

I'm feeling really beat up & heartbroken over the way my DD has been behaving recently.
It's as if she genuinely hates me... She's 17 months and I just came back from hospital yesterday after being away for a couple days having surgery & when I walked in the door she looked at me then turned and walked away from me?! She wouldn't cuddle me or come see me at all it was horrible. Then yesterday night my mum came to pick her up for the night to let me get some rest and she dropped her off half an hour ago and she just screamed. She screamed and screamed and cried her eyes out when I took her away from my mum. She looked at me like she was genuinely miserable to be back with me and I don't know what I have done to make her hate me so much?!

I keep asking my friends for advice but they keep brushing me off saying its a phase and that I'm being silly but none of their kids are acting like that so why can't they be a bit more fucking sympathetic ð??¡

First of all, big hugs . I can understand why you're upset.
Secondly, your friends are probably right! She's probably a bit confused about you being away for a couple of days, are you usually her primary carer? Her world is still quite limited so any changes to it will confuse her. She doesn't hate you! She is far too little to feel emotion like that. Who looked after her while you were in hospital?

Oh I meant to say my 19 month old has done this to DH before when he went away with work for a few days, he was heartbroken. She soon got over it!

My toddler did this when I'd spent a couple of nights away in hospital. It feels horrible doesn't it? Don't worry though; she'll soon come round and be back to normal .

I feel your pain! When I was in hospital having DD DS (then just over 2) was fine on his first two visits to the hospital. I was being kept in (planned c-section) and when he came to visit me on Mother's Day he wouldn't speak to me at all. It really, really upset me. I then managed to work out that he thought I wasn't coming home again so next time he came in I asked would he look after my fluffy slippers and make sure they were right by the front door when I came home. He then started talking to me again. It is so difficult to work out what goes on in little one's heads. When my DD was in hospital when she was two I stayed in with her while DH looked after DS and came to visit us regularly. When DD came home she wouldn't eat a meal that DH carried to her - had to take it back to the kitchen and then bring it back to her. We thought she might have been punishing DH for not staying with her.

Your DD will be fine in a few days. [unmumsnetty hug]

I was in hospital for a day & a night. She's always preferred my mum over me though, but this time really took the proverbial biscuit ????

Hopefully in a few days she'll get over it but I feel like it goes deeper than this? She would always rather go to my mum than me and she acts so awful towards me as soon as she catches sight of my mum. What is my mum doing that I'm not?!

I don't mean to sound whiney & pathetic but it's been going on so much longer and I'm so tired of feeling second best to my mum!

Agree with pp's OP. It feels horrible when you are still recovering yourself and probably still feel at bit down from operation. Dd is too little to 'hate you' she is just confused and upset from you not being there for a couple of days and too young to understand why.
She will be fine in a few days, just be gentle on her and yourself.
You also probably smell a bit unusual from the hospital iyswim which she will pick up on, even if you and others do not.

Big hugs. My dad (2.9) will go on and on about missing daddy when he's at work.., then refuse to talk to him?! I mean wtf. She is also a massive grandmas girl; I figure it's beaches grandma doesn't really discipline her and can lavish a constant stream of attention!!

Does your Mum look after her a lot?

Rightly or wrongly I would be looking at reducing time with Grandma.

I can understand this and honestly please don't worry.
The little love has missed you and is worried you may go again, just give her lots of cuddles and she'll be fine.
You poor thing, I know this is awful and you feel unloved.
The same happened to me with one of ours when I'd been in hospital.
She doesn't want to get close as she is upset when you aren't there.
I hope you are mending well and hope your recovery is good.
I don't think you need to limit time with grandma it was grandma in my case too but they hardly saw one another as my dm normally lived 300 miles away and had come to help whilst i was in hospital.
when things get back to normal she'll be fine.

Oh bless you. I don't want to sound like I'm patronising you but I thought you were going to say she was 10 and I was going to say "I hear ya, sister'.

Please don't worry. This is totally normal. I bet she'll go back to normal in a few days

My eldest used to do this to my dh after periods of work absence, Lots of attention as she'll come round.

She's only tiny and she's showing you that she's not happy about you going off in her own way. Kids are very self oriented (naturally), honestly, don't take it to heart (hard, I know), just carry on as normal.

Also wish you a speedy recovery

Utterly normal . My daughter would scream hysterically when it was Daddy's time to do bedtime - some days not all - but she'd been looking forward to seeing him, it was just too much.

Bear in mind that she is little - and they find it very hard to accept transitions when they are tired at the end of the day. So then you get the tears and the screaming, etc. I think that often as the returning parent you are so pleased to see them and it it feels like a rejection when they are upset.

Try to remember that little children don't know what they want half the time, and even if they do they can't express it well because they aren't old enough.
It will pass - your job is to try not to take it personally. It will pass.

The way you know who kids "love the most" is , when they genuinely hurt themselves, who do they turn to for comfort?

My DD used to be like this, much preferring my DH and it was heartbreaking so I really do sympathise. It is normal though, hasn't lasted and we have a very close relationship.

The worst bit was when I was heavily pregnant with DS who was born while DD was 22 months. One particularly bad incident was driving on the motorway. We switched drivers and she howled because I was closer to her in the car than DH. She made such a ruckus we had to pull over (safely in a service station!) and change back. I was distraught and felt the same - everyone kept saying it was normal but they weren't experiencing it.

It really is normal though and solved itself almost overnight. I was told by someone who works in child mental health that she was able to be like that because she was so secure in her relationship with me. Although I'm unsure about things like that because I always feel that it vaguely implies that DCs who cling to their mums (like my DS!) aren't secure in their relationship and I don't think that's true. Sorry, waffling a bit now but please don't take it to heart, she loves you, you're her mum and it won't last forever. because it is a miserable feeling.

When I went in to have my second i had to stay in 4 days, my to oldest didn't look at me for a week. She was so cross at being abandoned in her eyes.

And she also behaves like a perfect child for my mum and my mum gets thousands more hugs and kisses. Hurts like hell.