Letting "rebel" DD aged 11 be herself in terms of fashion?

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

DD has always been quirky. She's very creative and though that might sound a bit pretentious, she really is. She loves clothing and always has...often makes bits to wear...tops and so on...or customises other things...but she makes a concerted effort to be like nobody else in terms of outfits.

I worry that she'll be bullied because of it...I'm not talking Emo styles or anything so acceptable...but wearing just "odd" outfits...mismatched clothing...high pigtails with lace from the Haberdashers tied in them...a Tinkerbell backpack when all her friends are trying their best to look grown up and carry "ladies bags" and follow teen fashions.

I worry...I find myself saying "do you think that it's a bit too much to wear three bows in your hair today? Maybe one will be better?"

And yet then I feel bad for quashing her....she'll literally wear 3 bows...one massive one...and some odd assortment of clothing...and a handbag or her Tinkerbell backpack....odd socks and weird shoes...she saves up and buys her own choices....or DH lets her pick strange stuff when he goes out with her

If she were 17 and lived in London it would be perfectly acceptable I'm sure...but she's just turned 11 and lives in a suburban town in the NW!

NinjaLeprechaun Your dd isn't very tall and thin is she? (Just wondering if she gave my dd her tail . . .!)

I lead a youth group for 12-14yo girls. We often have discussions and debates around clothing, peer pressure, societal expectations etc. I love this age group. We have one girl who has dressed as a TMNT for well over a year now, and another who we are never sure from week to week what colour her hair will be (she went through a long-ish mermaid phase last year, but the sea-green dulled too fast). It's just a small group, but we have three different schools represented, so they also get to chat about different expectations with different peer groups etc, including make up (in one of the school's you are an outcast if you do wear it, in another, if you don't).

They are all awesome individuals, whether they are dressed as mermaids, turtles, or trying desperately to blend in.

We held a 'what would you wear if you could wear anything at all and no one would mind/ what makes you comfortable/ happy/ displays your personality ' discussion. A sort of fantasy night free of any societal expectations and judgement. We had everything from pajamas and ugg boots all day every day through to some very distinct ideas. It gave us a whole new outlook on the individuals in the group!

Let her be. I'm more of a cape and boots girl myself, but wary of the mad old lady look . I love that she has the strength of character to dress for herself and nobody else. Plenty of time for her to decide whether she wants to compromise later.

Takver she's about 5'7" and built like a brick shithouse solid without being at all overweight for her height. (She spent most of her childhood cruising the 98% line for both height and weight.) She gives the impression of being bigger than she is, it's all about the swagger.
But anyway, we live in the US so it's unlikely to have been her.

Ah, definitely not her as we're in Wales (and friend grew up but not out-- is quite slender). I reckon they'd get on a storm, though :)

I love quirky indivìdualistic kids and adults - far more interesting! We're encouraging ds to be himself, not follow the crowd etc. Dh and i are a bit like that although more sensible now we're approaching middle age! I hope ds will be the kind of man who marches to his own tune. Your dd sounds fabulous.

Ramona I never said there WAS a problem with the girls who dress "Normally"....

My ds is 11 and very similar in terms of being an individual and wearing whatever he likes, rather than what everyone else does or thinks he should. He has a wide collection of hats and generally wears one whenever he goes out, other than school. So far he's had nothing but positive feedback from people.

He also has unusual taste in music for your average 11 year old (retro, festival related etc) and his peers have rarely heard of anyone he listens to. Again, mostly positive responses and quite a few classmates actually started to listen to the same music, once they'd heard some of it. He has had some low-level heckling from a lad in the other class this week. He kept calling him a 'nerd', but he just said "Yeah, so what, nothing wrong with that." which completely floored the other lad, who'd expected an argument.

Dh has always been the same. I actually I winced when I saw what he was wearing to work this morning (I'm pretty conservative in my own fashion choices, but do lean towards the occasional quirky piece or accessory) and ds feels safe to do the same. The other day dh was wearing a rather quirky top and got lots of shouts thrown at him as he cycled to work (mostly just silliness and attempts at funny comments). We discussed it while ds2 was there and he was firmly of the mind that other people's opinions is irrelevant, as long as you're happy with what you're wearing yourself.

He's due to go up to secondary in September and from my experience, that's when they start developing their sense of identity and gravitate to groups that are of a similar mindset. I'm pretty sure ds will find the quirky lot at his school and probably go on to do something creative at college.

The funny thing is that my eldest, ds1, has ASD is as totally the opposite. He's generally disinterested in clothes himself, but does desperately want to just blend in, although is occasionally scuppered by sensory issues. Yet he's the one that's been bullied and had nasty comments made about his clothes.

So ds1, tries to fit in and not be noticed clothes-wise and still gets hassle, whereas ds2 wears all sorts of quirky stuff, really stands out but has never been bullied and is generally liked by all his peers, regardless of their own taste. I honestly think confidence has a lot to do with it.

i was the same as a teenager - let her have her fun and express herself.it shows confidence and that's always a good thing. :)

I don't think quirky means more interesting, Plenty of normally dressed people are interesting.

I was like that, and did get bullied at times but nothing much.

Tellingly a girl who was quite nasty to me at school came to me drunk at leavers disco to apologise and said how she admired that me and my friends were 'unique'

And many years later a boy from school said that the rumour was I was a lesbian witch which just made me laugh

lol lweji, I moved to London to Goldsmiths age 18. From a comp in Rotherham

Didnt get me far, but I can still rock a pair of laddred tights and look like I meant it

She sounds great! Creative and independently minded rather then a sheep

I think kids fashions are so boring these days. They look cloned

She sounds awesome!

I spent my teenage years so desperately trying to blend in and eradicate anything about my appearance that could be considered 'sad' that I had no idea of my own tastes

With respect to your comment about her good looks and wanting her to look your idea of lovely, I like a quote (can't remember who said it, a woman) meaning something like "women don't owe pretty to anyone": we're not here to be pretty for others.

My DDs have their own styles.

DD1 (16) has a sort of Lolita Goth style.

DD2 (14) has a very androgynous style - mannish, really.

I love that they have their own styles. I was such a misfit as a teen and just longed to look like everyone else. Now that I'm in my 40s, I'm finally developing a look that's mine. My DDs have managed to do that 30 years earlier than I managed it! (And my style is still pretty classic, but with some quirky touches.)

I also have a DS. Recently, he saw a Tshirt he loved. It is actually a girls' t-shirt. It's fitted, and has sequinned wings appliquéd on the back. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying it was a girls' t-shirt. If he likes it, let him wear it!

Yes I like that my kids have their own look and that it's not mundane