Why must everything be such a fucking battle <sob>

[BrokenByA3YearOld]

DC3 is just turned 3yo. And for at least 12 months everything has been such a fucking battle between me and her. Every bum change, every getting dressed, every leaving the house, every meal time, every bed time. every. fucking. thing.

Like she hits and punches me and screams in my ear when I pick her up to (gently and safely) force her into whatever next stage it is we have to do. Because, sorry, but sometimes things are non-negotiable; you have to have a bum change or you have to get out the car.

She's currently refusing to lie down in bed and has been since she woke up an hour ago. When I go up she kicks, hits and screams at me. When I leave her she wails for me.

DH is working away.

This is my third DC, I promise I know what to do and I'm kind and calm while I engage with her.

I know this too shall pass.

It's just so fucking wearing and I want to cry.

Right, I'm going to go and find a reward chart. Where do you think will have one, Tesco or Sainsbos?

Just google reward chart and look at images, you can print one out and buy a pack of stickers (or have thousands of stickers in the house like we have!)

It does work - we aim for 30 stickers each week and then do something 'fun' like swimming or the park

Have you had any counselling? Because it will be harder until you've had a chance to get it out - that you didn't want this baby, knew it would be hard and really didn't want to be doing this. Maybe even grieve properly for the "dream" family you won't have - I think all parents have to do this at some point - none of us get the dream we wanted!
(I have a friend who has 8 children, her sister had difficulties getting pregnant and only has 2. I think her sister has struggled at times, not that she wanted 8! but she did dream of more than 2.)

My 3rd was a surprise too, ds1 was only 14 months when I got pregnant and dd was 2.2 so I had 3 under 4.
It was sooo hard at first but he was pretty chilled till he turned 2 and then it all went tits up and I really regretted having him
It does get easier though.
My friends 3rd is 3 and it exactly the same and she's really struggling too

I nearly burst into tears when the nursery nurse asked me how she is this morning.

I have done this. We have had different pinch points so it's usually been a case of "how was the weekend/day off nursery" cue me getting all weepy.

The two things that have turned us around have been Descriptive Praise (and other tips from Calmer Happier Easier Parenting - including discussing the rules, running through what we're going to do during X routine, action replays, and winning screen time through performing routines calmly and quickly if possible); and planning one to one time (DS particularly likes cooking and sticking/painting/playdough).

Oh, and him getting older of course (he's now nearly 3 1/2).

Our pinch points were mainly: walking or standing on the buggy board (as opposed to lying in the road, running off, or having a tantrum), some care routines (night nappy was the worst even before we ditched the others, and teeth brushing).

Brushing teeth gets you a 3 minute YouTube video. So does putting on your night nappy without kicking and fuss (and now, if you're too slow - it's now putting on pyjamas as we're trying without nappies - you don't get to watch something).

Walking on the pavement/standing on buggy board is too nebulous for an immediate reward so it's been a long tiresome slog of "you are walking SO NICELY. Ooh, look at you standing on the buggy board nicely. Didn't we have such a nice walk into town? Gosh, you walked all the way to the park and back with Mummy and didn't run off".

We also had a problem a while back of taking off shoes in car (we use a Kiddy car seat that he can't undo because he can't reach it, thank goodness). Keeping your shoes on in the car means you get to choose the music. Shoes off, music off.

ideas for preventing child murder - 2 choices of everything; 5/3/1 minute warning before bath, going out, whatever; 10p in/out of jar - spend result on reward each week; wash/wipe & dressed in bedroom before breakfast

child now 16
parents still viable
success (well, ish)

Good tip MI5. I've now printed off a personalised Frozen reward chart with a photo of DD on it, and I've bought all the stickers in Tesco.

I'm dreading picking her up from nursery for another round, but I'm also feeling more positive. I think she'll like the sticker chart.

Madamginger, it really helps to know other people have those thoughts.

Sticker chart going remarkably well; she just asked me for a bum change

She's already making noises about not going to bed (at 8pm), so we'll see how that one goes...

Good luck!
I realised today that now, I actually look forward to picking DS up from nursery now.

Well, how did bedtime go? Mine was chilled yesterday evening and again this morning so far - wondering if me reading this thread has made me feel better and she's picked up on that?
Reward chart sounds good - interested to see how that goes. I might get one myself.

My sympathies to you. I recognise so much of what you say. You have had lots of good ideas, some of which I may use on my dcs even though they are older. I just wanted to say how hard I found it to suddenly reset myself and be positive. So hard when you are already clenched with dread and exhaustion. Also, that it gets better. Dd at 5 was much easier. At 7 she is delightful.

I totally understand where you coming from. Dd's contrariness and tantrumming has hit extreme levels recently. Its killer and I ended up putting her in her room for 15 minutes earlier just so I could eat breakfast. What truly gets to me is that she can do everything she needs to by herself (dressing, eating, etc), but you can almost see her thinking 'im going to refuseto do anything,while demanding iy happens, and see how much chaos I can cause'.

I love her dearly, but my patience has limits!

I was going to write a post with the exact same title the other day OP, you beat me to it!

I have a just 4 year old and a 1 year old and it's so fucking wearing battling with them all the fucking time!!

A couple of things do help (when I remember to do them), firstly the book 123 magic, it has been an absolute life saver. Helps me feel a little bit more in control and has improved our relationship no end.

The other is similar to the sticker chart, except we use marbles in a jar. Every time he (4 year old) does something that we want him to do, like doing something the first time instead of the eleventy millionth time of asking, he gets a marble in the jar. Every time he gets 10 he gets a prize. I went to the charity shop and got a load of plastic dinosaurs and cars. The key is remembering to actually do this shit! Sometimes I forget and just end up wanting to run away screaming but when I do remember it does actually work. I just want them to do as they are bloody told without all of the faff but let's face it, it's not gonna happen (yet!).

I also ramp up the hugs and kisses to help me not kill them get through the hard days, it really does diffuse things.

Well, this thread has helped me so much, honestly I feel so much better today!

3littlerabbits - I'm glad you're getting some of the positivity too!

And LOL at QueenWitch's identical thread thoughts it does help to know that this is not just about the way I parent, some of it just toddlers.

Bedtime went really well, she even brushed her teeth. This morning she almost started battling me about getting dressed but the promise of a sticker seems to be a very strong motivator. She's still refusing to have her toenails cut, but I think that might happen later today. At least she must feel like she's got some control by agreeing to get dressed but refusing toenail cutting and I can live with that.

We have a day together today, so she's chosen to go to the park, then DH is home later from a few days working away so I'm going to hand him his little darlings and fuck off for a bit

Nearly there...

My DC3 was exactly the same. She's 8 now so we're past most of what you're all describing though she still has her moments (and I still have my moments like WTF was I thinking 9 years ago!) but we're over the worst.

She didn't respond to any of the usual strategies so distraction, star charts, rewards didn't work at all. I'm another one that knows what I'm doing, I teach parenting but sometimes you just have to accept that with some children the techniques don't work and you just have to live through it as best you can.

I do think that as long as you ensure the boundaries stay in place and you provide consistent loving parenting then eventually you'll reap the benefits of not giving in. Though it might be a long, long time before you see the results of your hard work!

star it's a relief to hear a few others don't have success with star charts and rewards. my 6yo is the same ..

Yes Meglet it is reassuring especially when people in real life make you feel like it's your parenting at fault. If I only had DD3 I would think that it's my parenting that's caused her behaviour but DD1 was similar (for the first 12 years, sob) and she's lovely now at 18 and DD2 has never given me a moment's bother. I often think that if I got through it with DD1 I can get through it with DD3! But I'm now older and totally knackered so I'm not sure

On DD1's 18th birthday I rejoiced in the fact that we both made it to her adulthood, because there were many times when I thought we wouldn't.

re the star chart thing, the first 12 hours have gone ridiculously well, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, 'this can't last...'

Enjoy the good times though :)

With my similar 2.8 year old someone told me to just stop arguing with him. Like this -

Me - ds we need to put your shoes on now to go out.
Ds - no! RARARARARA!
Me - ok bye then
Ds - noooooooo! Put my shoes on put my shoes on!
Me -

Or

Me - need to change nappy please ds. Could you come and sit down for me?
Ds - NO! Nonononono!
Me - if you don't come now then I'm not doing it.
Ds - no!
Me - ok then I'm not doing it
Ds - do my nappy mummy!!

It worked instantly. I could have cried did cry

I could have written this post so joining in for moral support/ideas!

DD will be 3 next month, she is also my third. Everyday is one long fucking fight from wake up till bedtime. We have the added fun of speech delay and hypotonia, so when you pick her up to stop her running in to the road or some other deadly activity she slips through your arms like butter - all the meanwhile hitting and slapping.

We moved to a new area a year ago and I can't make friends because I look like the deranged mum at the school gates

Come August she will be in nursery every morning and I will drink gin all day

Fab news about the star chart working OP, you only need to find the one thing that will work for each particular DC. With DD3 it turned out that being grounded is what she hates which obviously didn't apply when she was younger but now she loves playing out in the street and she plays next door quite a lot. She can't do either of these things if she's grounded and if she's invited out, e.g. to the roller skating rink, then she's really not happy when she can't go.

Everyday is one long fucking fight from wake up till bedtime I remember those days well I also remember that churning in my stomach on my way to collect her from school or when I woke up on a morning knowing it was all going to kick off again shortly.

My eldest daughter is 8 and what you wrote about your daughter reminds me so strongly of her. I would love to be able to tell you that she's grown out of it all, but that wouldn't be totally true - a lot has improved but some days we still struggle to leave the house without a massive exhausting drama. I guess the difference is that now she's older she has some insight into her behaviour at these times, and the effect it has on everyone else in the family (she has a very laid-back younger sister). I can sometimes talk her down now and she is also very contrite later when she's calm. Sometimes she's been able to turn things around before she gets wound up, too, which is really great.

Sanctions never worked for us - she would sit on the time out chair all day; and taking away toys or cancelling trips just made her all the more upset and therefore defiant. Stuff like star charts worked well sometimes for breaking patterns we'd got stuck in of battling over particular things, but could create their own problems too, so I dunno - always worth trying though. Good luck, you are not alone!