OK, so 4yo boys are bad, but mine's now 5 and EVEN WORSE

[TW]

My ds is now 5.5 and he is pushing me to the limit. He does all those things that countless exasperated MNers have already written, eg needs telling 25 times to get dressed, bounces off the furniture, tells me everything's my fault, etc, but he really seems to be getting worse. dd is almost 4, and ds2 is just 2, and I can't bear him being around them because he just baits them and they end up screaming. Ds2 is really really rough with him now because he is so used to being rugby tackled or worse that he lashes out in order to pre-emt an attack. When I get out of the car to put another child in, he undoes his seatbelt and bounces round it, climbing on the back shelf or into hte front seat, although I SCREAM at him for doing so. He slams doors and traps fingers. He is lazy and disobedient. I really can't bear him being around. He is, incidentally, doing really well at school.
HELP!!

Hi TW

Thought I'd bump this up and see if anyone can offer you advice as it sound like you're having a hard time.

My eldest is nearly 3, so haven't got experience of your dilemma.

As you say things seem to be fine at school, I can't put my teacher hat on and help in that way -that's where I do have experience of 5 year olds.

I'm sure some other Mumsnetters will come to your rescue!

Hi TW
My son is now 9 but I remember that around the age of 5 he was absolute hell.
It sounds as though you've got an awful lot on your plate, with two toddlers as well and you must be feeling at the end of your tether. How does he behave with his father? Could he give you both a break with some regular one on one time with him?
It reached a point with my son when I began to wonder if he had adhd and although in the end this was not the case, I found the chapter in Christopher Greens "Beyond Toddlerdom" on adhd very helpful. Annoyingly I haven't got the book any more but there was a checklist on how to handle and talk to a child with adhd which really helped with my ds. I'm not for a moment suggesting that your son has it, clearly not since he's fine at school - but the strategies still worked brilliantly for the sort of wild behaviour that had got out of hand, and had begun to lead to a vicious circle of both of us screaming at each other. It helped me pull back a bit as sometimes I began to feel and behave like a five year old myself as things escalated.
I'm new to MN and there's pfobably tons better advice than this on other threads, but I just wanted to say - I've been there, i really sympathize, but it does get better. I think it's something to do with a testosterone surge around the age of 4 - 5 (there's another one coming up around 9, yikes!), also growth spurts can affect the ear canal and they genuinely don't hear when you ask them things!
Hope things improve for you,
BB

Thanks BB. All these things tend to get better gradually, don't they, and then one day you say "Gosh, such-and-such hasn't happened for a while" - wouldn't it be nice if it all just stopped overnight?! No, unfortunately he is as bad with his father. The awful thing is that one on one he is better. Not great, but better. It's like he's always trying to get the most attention/ be the loudest/ the biggest/ the best etc. I try to isolate him as much as poss and to treat him as grown up as poss but as you can imagine, there are certain times (ie the times that HE is around during the week) that are fairly hectic ie b/fast, tea, bath/bed times, and there's not much scope for flexibility or indulgence. Being told it's a phase which will pass does help, but I really can't bear my sweet little boy being quite such a monster - and making us all hate him.

Hi TW, I can't really offer you any advice I'm afraid, but if it's any reassurance, my ds (5.4) sounds exactly the same as yours! He is also awful with his siblings alot of the time (2 younger sisters), disobedient, rude, defiant etc etc. (a friend of mine with a son the same age was so concerned about him not doing what she asked that she thought he was deaf and took him for a hearing test!).

God, I do identify! I remember one bath time when ds aged 5 and dd aged 2 were being so wild and impossible at bathtime (after months and months of hell) that I just lay down on the landing floor outside and didn't think I would ever get up again - unfortunately we had a builder finishing up a job, he had to keep stepping over me and I just didn't care.
I used to think of my ds as an attention vampire, it seemed like no matter how much I gave him was never enough, and when things have become so negative and destructive that you feel as though you almost hate them half the time, then positive reinforcement is the hardest thing to do - but it was the best way with my son and might help with yours. If he is better one on one, then is it possible to reward him when he's good with some special time with you or your dh alone? Star charts and so on that will lead to such a treat if he manages to behave in the car/ at mealtimes/ bedtime or whatever.
You've probably tried all these and many more but I'm just trying to remember what worked for me - the fact that I've forgotten most of it should at least prove that there's light at the end of the tunnel! Hang in there and try and get some time out for yourself, you sound like you deserve it.