Children's behaviour is ruining my relationship

[peppajay]

I am in a bit of a catch 22 situation as my kids behaviour is ruining the relationship between me and DH. Our son has aspergers and we have no help from family members mainly because they can't cope with him and partly because they have other things to do than spend time with their grandchildren, and our dd talks to us with so much aggression and attitude and is constantly vying for attention. The kids are picking up on the atmosphere and the fact that they don't get much attention from their dad so they turn into little devils when he is around and he can't cope so he walks away which makes the situation 200 times worse. We can't go out as a family as the behaviour is shocking hubby can't cope so he walks off which results in full on shouting and screaming. Until I sort their behaviour he wants nothing to do with them and because he wants nothing to donwith them they play up!! I am a constant referee and peacemaker at the moment and really don't know what to do to make things better!!

You definitely need help with your current situation. The best advice I can offer is for you and your husband to seek professional counseling, as well as counseling for your daughter. You don't give your children's ages. I would have a sit down with their pediatrician, or your GP. But, family counseling is a must! I would recommend you finding a local Asperger's support group. You might find being with other parents who are facing difficulties might have suggestions and answers that will help you. here are some in the UK, as I am in the USA
www.aspergersupport.org.uk/support/aspergergroups.html

Try talking with your husband. Try to find a way that you and your daughter can spend time together alone, and your husband should do the same. Father's need to be involved, but if the kids are "showing out" together, he might need to try and spend time with each one alone. Quality time. Something as simple as going to a park or to a ballgame can be time well spent.

There are no magic cures. Love, patience, understanding and team work. I truly hope your situation improves. Many prayers and well wishes.

Ask him what activities he's going to do with them, giving the 100% attention

I have mentioned counselling before but he refuses as he thinks that there is nothing wrong with our son my parenting has made him naughty because I am too soft on him. He used to take my dd out on his own alot and she loved it and was so good and well behaved because she was getting his full attention but due to the situation lately he is avoiding us at all opportunities and will not take her out any more because of her behaviour even though I try telling him that if he gives her his full attention she will behave but he has lost enthusiasm to be with any if us. He has spent time alone with my son once but as he has no understanding or belief of ASD so treats him like you would any other child which doesn't work . They are 7 and 8. I think I may see if I can go to counselling alone as I can't go on much longer. On the plus side 24 hrs till Monday when everything has a routine and we aren't altogether and the house is happy again :0) !

I think your title is the wrong way around. It's not your children's behaviour which is causing your relationship problems, it's your DH who is the problem. "He has spent time alone with my son once" have I read that right??? It's his son too, right?? Your DH needs to step up and take responsibility.

Your children are not the ones causing the problem.

Do try to get help with your son, but I suspect your H is beyond help.

I've no advice as such but I want to say that you can't make your dh interested if he doesn't want to at least that's my experience anyway. Big hugs to you your in a very difficult situation. Try speaking to your gp about counselling for yourself it might not help the situation but it will help in the way you cope with it.

Children hate it when you walk away; they feel rejected; it is a shame you don't have your husband support; try speaking to him; get him some books; counseling. Your kids are picking up on the family stress and it is making things worse.

Are you able yo get an aupair?or some other sort of help? Besides some counseling for you and your husband or parenting courses on how to deal with your children behaviour?

Even parenting books off amazon might help

Is thereby chance husband has ASD too?

the problem isn't your children. it's your husband. I dont want to sound nasty but if any man, their Dad or not, behaved this way towards my children then I would not be with him. you need to put you and the children first. if your husband isn't willing to change his behaviour you can't expect the children to.

Sorry to say but I have to agree... its your husbands behaviour that's the problem. I really feel for you your dc may feel rejected by him so they will only play up more. I hope you get the help you need. Personally i would not accept he has nothing to do with them. It doesn't have to start with them been in public he could join in drawing or playing cars for 5 mins. Parenting means standing together and supporting each other though the tough times. I hope he helps soon.

It's really not the kids, from what you've said. It sounds a bit kike DH calls all the shots and you are all trying to please him/ get his attention.

I can see it must be very hard but honestly, your son has an ASD diagnosis. What sort of person blames his wife for 'causing' this condition?

I agree with the others. It's not the children, it's your dh that's the issue.

We have two dc, one of whom is severely autistic and we struggle day to day as any family would but we do work as a team. Dh would never just walk off on a day out or opt out of parenting.

Your dh sounds a bit like a spoilt child to be honest. How comes he gets to opt out as he pleases? You don't and wouldn't.

You definitely need sound counselling and support - contact a family are very good, and also look up the social services disabled children's provision for your area to find local groups etc but your dh needs to change his attitude.

Why is it solely your responsibility? Why is your husband exempt from raising his children? Sounds like you need help from the husband, good luck.

So what would happened if you walked away?
What if you had to go away or to a hospital for a few days?

Walking away shows lack of understanding about his responsibilities.
Unless he understands that his behaviour is irresponsible and also let's be hones - dangerous (that he can't control his children) you won't be able to change anything.

I went to the GP and we were referred to Family Therapy - where they discussed a lot of ways to improve behaviour and parenting within context of your relationship as a family and child's diagnosis. Not everyone's cup of tea but it does open your eyes to some issues.

If your dh wants the situation to improve he will have to engage on some level be it Family Therapy sessions, a parenting course (there are some locally aimed at parents whose children have autism - again ask your GP)

If he refuses to engage you have your answer. It IS his fault that the situation is worsening not your children's.

Sometimes you can only change your reaction to behaviours as a first step to changing the behaviours. A truism but it can run parallel to understanding that some behaviour in children with Asperger's is not going to go away easily - but you can understand and adapt to it.

We find our family life quite trying sometimes - ds2 has ASD, ds1 has dyspraxia and can get very over emotional, dd craves attention her brothers are getting etc etc. It is easy to feel really frustrated and want to blame the other parent for their contribution or non contribution. It helps to acknowledge that you are in a very difficult situation together as a team and the best you can do is keep trying. But also it is important to define what the situation actually IS. If your dh thinks it is just a load of badly behaved children and nothing to do with him that is not a true definition.

HTH. One tip - try and engineer situations where dh feels he is a good dad. That will also help.