Self Esteem in 11 yo girl - Forgot to say ...

[Tillyboo]

My niece has just started comprehensive school and it's been a huge shock to her as she is treated as an adult and not a child as in Primary school.
But, the problems were still there in Primary School so not just because she's moved up although it's not helped.
My sis has had to drag her out of the car when she gets to school and she'll kick and scream at the teachers - just goes into a blind fury and doesn't care what people think.
This contradicts her low self esteem as you'd think she'd be embarrassed, but oh no !

in what way does she show low self esteem?

Difficult to see this aspect of her from your post; I can see lots of attention seeking, controlling behaviour but not much else!!!!

Do you think she is learning low self esteem from her mum? It's very difficult to suffer with low self esteem and 'teach' your daughters to be completely different, it seems to me...maybe your sister needs to be kind to herself and celebrate her own achievements, etc in order for her dd to realise that it's ok to do this?

Does she get time with her mum? Do they spend time together every day, do they go out together at weekends? Do you think your neice could be experiencing a lack of positive attention?

Are the school giving any help with her behaviour? These outbursts sound quite alarming for a secondary school girl, are they giving her some support?

Hi, some examples ....

She refuses to do sports at school unless her mum waxes her arms and legs for her. She is very blonde but very self conscious about herself. She'll not wear anything remotely girly and prefers to wear combats and clothes that cover up, although she has got a little better.
She is a very fast runner and her elder sister runs for a club and we have been trying to encourage her to join as we thought it would be positive for her as I'm sure she'd do fantastically well. She refuses point blank to join and just shrugs her shoulders if you ask her why not.
We have a camera that distorts photos and we were all having a laugh at each others funny faces but when it was her turn to look at hers she just burst in to tears and ran out of the room.
She also has fantastic rhythm and has been able to choreograph dance sequences from a very early age. She dances like the funky dancers on the TV but will not let anyone see her, if she realises you can see her she'll stop or just start dancing in a silly way.
She's just been moved up in her maths class but this was the reason she refused to go to school yesterday as she thinks she'll struggle and not cope and look silly, also, that she won't know anyone in the class.

I don't think there is enough time spent with her mum on quality 'time together' but it's difficult as money is very tight and my niece doesn't want to go for a walk etc. When my sis arranges a cinema trip, if she doesn't fancy it, she'll just refuse to leave the house (control again).
My poor sis has been in tears this morning and at her wits end. She tries so hard to provide for her girls but it's tough.
Probably her own unhappiness has had an affect but the other daughter is pretty outgoing, funny and sociable (although she's been through it with bullying recently)
God, aren't some kids just horrible !

My sis has achieved so much since her split but can't see them and thinks that life is just generally against her.
She's been burgled, had her car stolen, had to move areas, new schools(primary & comp), change job and cope financially. Deal with dd1 being bullied, coping with a critical ex husband, the list goes on. I think she's been remarkable and have told her she should be proud but she does tend to look at the negative because she's not happy herself.

she just sounds shy to me. I don't think it's low self esteem, from what you say. All her reactions to the things you describe sound to me the way that a shy person reacts; the not being able to be seen dancing, not wanting to join clubs....being frightened of being seen to be not coping in her new maths class (and thus being centre of attention, horror of horrors!)

Obviously I don't know her and you know if I am totally wrong here but as an outsider it seems as if this is a shy child who has a strong character. She may never be a 'joiner' of clubs, don't force it!

I think she needs loads of reassurance about things like the maths class. Maybe your sis is taking things for granted and not talking enough to her about how she feels about things?

She might not be outgoing or sociable like her sister but that's fine.

I would say your sis still needs to give more time to her dd, doesn't have to be trips out and expensive - I just mean sitting round chatting, maybe doing eachother's hair/nails, that sort of thing. Just fun time together telling each other stuff, nattering, making your dd at the centre of mum's attention for a chunk of time every day.

And bearing in mind that she needs, I think, lots of reassurance and support and a complete stop on expecting her to go out and join things, at least for now.

that's my view, for what it's worth anyway! I think she sounds a talented girl...

Thanks sunnysideup.
It's very difficult to explain her character, she's quite a complex little girl. I agree to a point that she is shy but you'd think she'd be too embarrassed to create such a visual display at school - kicking and screaming at teachers etc.
My sis tries to talk to her but she doesn't get a lot back. Although last night my niece did say that she was unhappy at home and at school and my sis asked her what would make her happier. She wants my sis and her ex hubby to get back together but my sis explained that it will never happen and that she can see her dad whenever and as often as she'd like but niece said the frequency was fine.
We all take the 'softly, softly' approach in suggesting what she might like to do for fear of an outburst - and boy, are they outburts. My dh was horrified the first time he witnessed one. Because she didn't get her own way with something she stomped out into the garden, stood in the middle of the lawn, arms folded head down. The rain was lashing down, it was thundering and lightning but refused to come in. We had to physically drag her in otherwise she was in danger of getting struck by lightning as we are surrounded by trees.
It was hilarious to witness but we couldn't let her see anyone laughing.
When things are going well for her she's lovely and loves playing with my dd of 2.7yrs. She's really helpful with my dd and I trust her to keep an eye on her if I'm out of the room etc. They all adore each other.
I have my sis, the two girls and my parents here for Xmas but don't want any explosions.

hope someone else will be along soon tilly - my ds is four so an 11 yr old girl somewhat outside my personal experience..however have worked alot with kids, and one thing they can never have too much of is positive attention from parents, so your sis simply cannot go wrong if she does this

The outbursts do sound a little immature for a girl of 11......

so sad though that just last night she's still asking for her parents to be together, it's so in their hearts and souls, isn't it

I think she needs loads of listening to. Your sis did well to ask her last night what would make her happy, she needs to keep the channels of communication open.

And fwiw, I think treat her outbursts as she would a toddler and give no attention while they go on, and let them achieve nothing; if she gives in and changes things in response to an outburst then of course they will continue.

But maybe she is just emotionally a little immature...wouldn't be a crime, or surprising, given that she is from a separated family. Encourage more responsible behaviour by giving her some responsibilities sometimes - not chores she'd hate but something she'd love, if you can think of anything...she is growing up and doesn't need to be treated just as a child now, so she should have some say in her life in some way.

Just brainstorming really, thinking of things that have helped other kids I've known..hope something useful!

btw you are a lovely sister to be so thoughtful about your neice!

Tillyboo
I just had to post on this thread as you could be describing my DD who is also 11.
My DD is currently seeing a psychiatrist due to problems of low self esteem and it stems in the main from being a twin. Her twin is bright sociable clever good natured and popular at school.
She is constantly comparing herself to her twin and finding herself lacking.
Her low self esteem has manifested itself in bad behaviour - refusing to join in family activities or just being a complete pain when forced to do so.Also violent rages which she was unable to control.
We were given an exercise as a family by the psychiatrist to do which involved each family member writing down a few reasons why we loved my DD. It was a huge success and she got some great feedback from each of us.
I have also spent a lot of time talking to my DD and investing a lot more of my time as I have come to realise that she is much more "needy" and actually suffers if she is not constantly reassured -I do find it exhausting at times but it is starting to pay off.
Regarding dressing in combats etc my DD would only dress in boy clothes and that was an attempt to have an identity separate from her twin sister - who is v. girly.
It strikes me that your neice like my DD is only seeking attention and feeling v. bad about herself - it is just unfortunate that their behaviour often gets them the opposite of what they need.
Hope this is of some help to you.

ooo sounds like my thoughts about reassurance and being 'allowed' to be different from her sibling were not far off the mark!

well done for turning things round with your DD, Ishouldbeironing.

Thanks so much to you both ! I'll pass on your thoughts and advice. You are spot on sunnysideup, she is very immature for an 11 yr old in a lot of ways e.g. she loves playing with my dd's toys and bits and bobs when she comes to stay and will play in the sand pit for ages.
On the flip side she is into her music a lot and her favourite band is Green Day which is quite an adult band.
The responsibility is a very good suggestion, I'll have a chat with my sis to see if we can come up with something.
Thanks once again