Behaviour at Secondary School

[holdinghands]

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice? My 12 year old started secondary school last September and has found it really hard to settle in. None of his primary friends are in his classes and he is very shy and sensitive and for the 1st 2 weeks was in the sick bay every day except one. Since then he has got in a bit of bother with the school for minor misbehaving, talking in class, pulling pupils jackets and basically winding people up. The teachers also said that he has got annoyed at people who make fun of him (he has a slight stutter) which has led to him losing his temper but nothing physical. Because of this I've had phone calls, a meeting, him on report and a detention. Then I got a call saying he was being suspended for 2 days because he was dared to smack a girl on the bottom and he did it. It's my belief this is down to him trying to make friends by making people laugh and messing about, trying to get people to like him. I had no problems while he was in primary school in fact the teachers all loved him and still ask after him. My concern is that he is being punished and possibly labelled as a bad child when he is just trying to settle in. It is a grammar school and is very strict and I know they want to stamp out bad behaviour straight away but I feel he needs support not punishment, (although i myself have punished him for each thing he has done). Am I wrong and looking at him through a mothers eyes or should I stand up for him with the school? I'm so confused and worried he will start dreading going to school and this could affect him emotionally as well as his work at school. Sorry for rambling!

I would ask about their plans to re-integrate him after his exclusion, and also ask what they are doing to help him with his lack of social skills. I would ask to speak to the SENCO, can you have an appointment to talk to her and discuss what you and the school can do to help him. Also make sure that as he is feeling isolated he may be hanging out with "inappropriate" friends - the ones who dared him.

Wishihadacat he does go out and play, sorry if I gave you the impression he does nothing but play his xbox. He plays football with boys on our estate but more often than not comes home in tears because a ball has hit him in the face or whatever. He doesn't have deep interests is what I meant, in answer to questions about Aspergers.

I am not making excuses for him and have supported the school in every punishment etc, my fear is exactly what you have described, his behaviour getting blown out of proportion. He's a well behaved, polite boy (honestly!) Which is why I am so concerned about the different behaviour at school. I'm a strict parent and believe he should be punished when he does wrong but I also explain what and why it was wrong. His responses to that have been confusion which is why I'm struggling to know what to do next. I'm simply looking for ways to help him without making him feel worse and getting in more trouble at school.

I don't think your son has any undiagnosed condition you need to worry about (and yes, before anyone jumps on me I will reaffirm that is my personal and professional opinion based on my years of experience and what the OP has said so far) but clearly there are things your child is struggling with and I think it would be more productive at this stage to work with the school to tackle them than to worry about going to the dr. etc. As wishihadacat says, this can make children more concerned and worried. Work with the school and see where that takes you before asking the doctor for any kind of formal assessments for ASD. 'Hormones' is just anothe way of saying 'age and stage' which is a phrase we often use - it is just that: the age and stage of development they are at that leads to much of this (very common) behaviour and social issues.

My advice to you - as both a parent and a secondary teacher - is that at this time you focus on the normal strategies one would use to tackle what are very, very common hiccups for adolescent and per-adolescent children (boys in particular). First off, from what you have said, your son may be on the receiving end of some fairly consistent unpleasantness. It may be bullying (calling him 'gay'. 'daring' him to do things all kids know will lead to trouble etc.) or it may be other children reacting equally inappropriately to your sons immature behaviour. Either way it needs tackling. The fact that he says other children call him names and you have seen him trying to hide that he has been crying does suggest he is unhappy. He needs some help to dig himself out of the hole he is in, whether it is self-created or not.

Ask the school if they have any kind of buddy system where older students befriend younger ones. Ask if there are any lunchtime clubs he can join where he may make new friends and also stay out of trouble. Ask the school to help him make more appropriate and better friendships so that he can finish the year successfully. Ask them if there is any kind of target or monitoring sheet he can go that he has to have signed after each lesson. This will allow close monitoring of his behaviour, keep you informed as to what is happening, highlight patterns (subjects, times of day, male v female staff, seating choices etc) that may be contributing to bad behaviour. This is often helpful to children caught in a downward spiral of poor behaviour as it gives them the excuse they need to say 'no' to bad behaviour others may be encouraging them into. Stress to your DS that you are working with the school to help him, that he has made a bit of a mess of things and you are all working with him to fix it so that he can finish the year well and look forward to Y8 with confidence.

Aswishihadacat suggests find some out of school activities you can go to - clubs which will build self esteem, foster healthy choices and provide structured supervision - to enable him to build friendships in an environment less 'feral' than the playground or local football pitch. Give your son very clear expectations eg 'on the target sheet I expect to see all your teachers saying you are concentrating well', 'or not sitting with X'. 'At home you will show me your homework diary and completed work'. 'You will apologise to child Y for hitting her'. Achievable and measurable targets will build self esteem and success. Ask for a further meeting in 2 weeks time to review his progress and make further strategies for continuing success. Explain to the school you are worried and want to help your son succeed in school, and are willing to support their efforts and strategies.

I don't think your son has any undiagnosed condition you need to worry about

I'm quite sure you would have said the same thing to me about my daughter, as did several of the teaching staff at her school

I don't think it's appropriate for anyone to make a judgement either way on an internet forum. There is far too much information missing.

I am not making excuses for him and have supported the school in every punishment etc, my fear is exactly what you have described, his behaviour getting blown out of proportion. He's a well behaved, polite boy (honestly!) Which is why I am so concerned about the different behaviour at school. I'm a strict parent and believe he should be punished when he does wrong but I also explain what and why it was wrong. His responses to that have been confusion which is why I'm struggling to know what to do next. I'm simply looking for ways to help him without making him feel worse and getting in more trouble at school.

I think you're right to support the school in their behaviour management strategies. Whatever happens, he will have to keep to their rules. However, I wouldn't feel obliged to add any further punishment at home. Explanations of why his actions were wrong but also understanding and help to manage his difficulties are what's required from you, I think. If he's struggling in school, he really needs to know that the people at home are on his side.

Can you explore his confusion about these social rules a bit further? It's often easier to talk shoulder to shoulder than face to face so can you engineer a car journey or shared task for the two of you so you can talk in a bit more depth? Social rules are very complicated. No sooner do you learn one, than you find out that there are times and places where it shouldn't be implemented and something else applies. The subtleties are hard to explain and even harder to understand if you don't just get them automatically. CAMHS can help with this sort of thing but the waiting lists can be very long and you can probably help him with some of it yourself much sooner.

I would share with the school your concerns about whether he really understands the more complex social rules he's coming across now he's around older children. They could help him with these things in school but try to make sure that he is comfortable with what they offer. If he feels that their help would single him out and make things harder, it could just make him feel more worried. The SENCo at our local grammar school told me she felt they had lots of children in the school with strong traits of Autism simply because they were academically selective. They may have more experience of dealing with these difficulties than you would expect.

Dear Goldmandra, you have no idea of what I would have said about your daughter. FWIW I have a very, very good track record over the last 20 years of actually identifying children with special needs who have long gone unidentified and undiagnosed, so please don't make assumptions about me or my expertise simply because you disagree with what I am saying.

The OP has obviously asked for opinions based on the information she has chosen to share. I have stated my opinion is based on exactly that. I am not looking for any ludicrous internet confrontation or argument. I have not looked to criticize anyone directly on this thread simply for voicing a different opinion than mine. I have stuck to presenting a different opinion and explaining why I differ.

I have stuck to presenting a different opinion and explaining why I differ.

I haven't expressed an opinion as to whether the OP's son has an undiagnosed condition. You are the only person who has done that. I have suggested that the OP found out more about it and get a feel for whether it fits her DS.

If your son was able to engage in the normal creative play of early childhood, is not restrictive in his interests, has normal eye contact and normal friendships in primary school then it is highly unlikely that he is ASD. Most children, even those diagnosed late, will have had concerns flagged for years before by teachers, parents and other professionals.

Based on this, I think I know exactly what you would have said about my DD.

adoptmama - the point is you are telling to OP not to go to her GP and getting on the waiting lists; whereas those of us with experience of those waiting lists think its worth getting him put on them because they are long, and are not going to get suddenly shorter when her son is older.

Her son does have social anxiety - if the school is not already intervening because of that ( "for the 1st 2 weeks was in the sick bay every day except one"), then getting her GP aware and referring him for help is a necessary first step.

By far the most important thing, I would suggest, is to get your lad less distressed and more happy asap.

By all means get help from the doctor if it looks like its necessary.

But, sorry to keep banging on about this but it is the main point - if you just spend all of your time contemplating this deep black hole, with or without medical professional binoculars, you will make it get bigger. You and your son will increasingly convince each other that this horribleness has come to stay and make it harder to shake off. The reality is, it's probably short lived, the world turns and moves on, things change and one day you stop and realise ,"hmm, long time since we thought about that problem now, all he seems to talk about is...(insert pleasant activity that your son is now keen on and occupies his thoughts.) That would be the best outcome, wouldn't it?

School is a problem right now and the kids outside (same kids?) likewise. He needs more strings to his bow. School isn't the world and neither are the nasty football kids.

He needs a bigger sample of humanity in different settings to get some different and better behaviour models and feedback from than his peers at school are providing at the moment. And some FUN. And from the sound of it, so do you. Go and do something with him. Thats tiring and active and fun. That also involves other people and kids and is supervised and structured as Adoptmama says. Spend time being active and having good clean fun and it also starts to invade the rest of your life. You get optimistic and positive. And you get the sort of friendships and behaviour models you want - friendly active people who like to learn, develop and have fun; not people whose focus is teasing, name calling, setting people up and generally being an . Running clubs, karate clubs (its not just about fighting, see their websites), walking groups - sign up for a challenge and its best of all if you can model it for him by doing it too and supporting him while he's there.

If you go out and have some fun together with other people he will be happier. And more optimistic. Thereby more resilient, less touchy. And have other models of more positive behaviour that he can take back to school, especially if you help him make the connections. That's more than half the battle won. Hard truth is that your son is learning that those nasty kinds and even groups of people are out there and sometimes you just don't feel like you fit in. He will be meeting this situation whatever age he is, repeatedly, all his life, like we all do eg. at work. His lesson is that we don't let them grind us down and spread all over our life, and the above is how we do it.

Oh OP, it will be lovely if you can sort this all out with a cheery smile and some good clean fun!

You seem pretty switched and on and level headed so I doubt that you are dragging yourself and your DS into some great cavern of despair but, just in case, I agree with the PP that making sure a child has a regular activity they enjoy outside school is a good idea. The positive emotions they experience can support their well-being in the environments they find difficult, e.g. school. It isn't always easy to find one but it's worth persisting.

However, that doesn't mean that not talking about the problems he is experiencing is good idea. Opening up the channels of communication is a good thing. He needs to know he can turn to you for explanations and support and you could do with working out what's prompted this sudden change in character in school so that you can help him get the right support.

I hope your meeting with the GP goes well. The CAMHS service is very pushed with long waiting lists so the GP may be reluctant to refer him. It's fine to insist if you feel it's what your DS needs. If his problems fade away in the time he's on the waiting list, you can always cancel the appointment or attend the first one and see if they agree that he no longer needs any intervention. They are unlikely to disagree