Neighbours complaining about ds tantrums........

[juicychops]

Ds is 22mths and has bad behaviour problems. Not just terrible two's a lot worse and uncontrolable. Im doing all i can but its doing nothing and im waiting to see a specialist as i think there may be serious problems.
Anyway, during his tantrums he kicks doors and screams so loud and kicks the door gates and his cot bangs the walls and all this can last up to 2 hours sometimes. I have shouted before but i try not to as it is no good. the houses are only small terraces and next door complained to me the other day.
It was so embarracing and belittling and i was nearly in tears. Im a single parent and i get no help from my family or his dad or his family so its just me and im doing the best i can. Im seriously struggling and no one around me knows what its like for me. Next door have a boy of a similar age who cries through the night but i would never dream of complaining as its what babies do.

I just feel like i want to move now!! every time he has a tantrum im dreading them ringing social services or something. Its really upsetting me and i cant take much more of this

I sympathise, I have four kids upstairs under the age of 4, in the flat above, and I would never dream about complaining either as - well it is 4 kids in a small flat! they can't possibly be made to be quiet I have one child and its hard enough. I think if you talk to a health visitor about his tantrums just so it is noted, then if they do complain to anyone else it is noted that it is just tantrums. Don't let them get you down

Im gunna go back to the docs this week as he's getting bruises from where he's throwing himself about. Been to the health visitors but they dont seem to give a shit so i dont want them to see his bruises as im scared they will think im causing them. Thats what i fear the most

This does sound awful for you. Please don't take this as being simplistic, but do you, for example, make sure he doesn't wear shoes in the house? That can help to stop the kicking. Also - does he need to be in a cot? My eldest hated his cot and went into a bed with a removable side rail at 13 months. It didn't rattle and couldn't be moved, and we only put the rail on at night so he couldn't fall out. We moved him because he rattled the cot so much and tried to throw himself over the top of it. Until you get some professional help, it is a case of trying to reduce the noise. He probably frightens himself by the noise level and that makes it worse. Hope you get some help soon. Also, maybe you should try to explain your worries to your neighbours and tell them you are trying to get some help.

Could you take his bedroom door off and fit a stairgate across the gap? That way you could confine him to his room immediately the tantrum starts, but you could still keep an eye on him and he would be able to see you. He's a bit too young to put him in a room and close the door. Take everything potentially dangerous out of his room so he can't hurt himself.

What is it with people??. Next door have an autistic girl who used to spend evenings shouting and holering for ages, what was I going to do , tell them to gag her. We just accepted that she has these episodes and ride with it, Id never say anything , Id rather show some sympathy for there efforts. They have it hard enough anyway, as they have 2 other younger kids too, so quite a busy house. Why are poeple so thoughtless and self centred about these things.

I was going to say write a letter explaining how upset you are and that you are on your own and dont wish to cause any upset , but can they be a little more patient whislt you sort things out, they have a child themselves, may be they will be more understanding after some personal contact.

I remember baby whisperer dealing with a child who liked bangiing his head on the floor, she got the mum to pick him straight up in the same position and put him on a huge bean bag and let him ride it out , allowing him to express his frustration and lessening the red marks on his face. May be you can move him to a bean bag when hes kicking too ???

Juicychops you really have my sympathy, what complete *** your neighbours must be.
Have you tried contacting Homestart(you can ask your HV to help). I have been a single parent with very young child, and it is very very difficult, but with no support it must be really hard. Homestart could give you a bit of breathing space.

There are no laws that I know of to regulate the noise a child makes... don't think they could reasonably do anything. It is their problem not yours...
Poor you - I agree about seeking help. Could you contact the NCT? I'm sure they could put you in touch with someone you could talk to. Also talk to your doctor and explain the problem with the neighbours and you're worrying about ds hurting himself. Then at least there is a record of you trying to sort it out and that you're not just ignoring the problem. Hope this helps
Sure someone else on here will have been through the same thindg and will be able to help..

Hi Juciydrops, no suggestions I'm afraid I sympathise too, we live in a flat and ds2 now 2yrs 7months throws horrific tantrums, and screams and cries alot but luckily our downstairs neighbour is ok about the noise. You do feel obliged to try and keep the noise down when you live in a flat, but it isn't always possible as they are only children.
Your neigbours are complete B**T!!DS, I can't believe they are complaining about a small child!!! I commend you on being a single parent with no help, my mum had us three and she had no family help or outside help too, so pat yourself on the back. Some of the suggestions that 3littlefrogs has suggested sound like they may be worth a try but I am glad you are going to the docs, I hope he/she will listen and help you and offer good advice and realistic suggestions.
Good luck.

Hi Juicidrops, I'm going to say the same as the others, you have complete sympathy, and your neighbours should be completely ashamed of themselves. I'm worried by what you say about wanting to cry and feeling as if you can't cope, I think you really must see the doctor and tell him all this, he can put you in touch with people to help you get through this. You will not be judged in any way, I think you deserve a medal for trying to deal with it on your own but sometimes we all need a hand. Good luck, babe. xx

How terrible for you. My sister had terrible neighoubours problems. She ended up moving just before last Christmas and it's worke dout fine but they made her life a misery. Just because she had two twins who didn't sleep well. She called environmental health who said children's noise is normal and neighbours just have to put up with it.
But then the neighbours who she went to mediation with for one session (worked well, recommend it run by her local council) said it wasn't the children's noise but my sister swearing and shouting at the children. Thta was very hard for me to advise on. I'm certainly not perfect with my children but I think she went too far in her language with them and she risked social services being called in which I told her. She is a single parent like yoo too (like me as well). It's very hard when you don't get a break.

Her neighbours didn't call social services by the way but it worried me because they have so much power.

Why not put a nice note through your neighbour's door saying you're sorry about the noise, you do all you can to stope it, that you're seeking help for the child and if they want to suggest any solutions go ahead. My sister's neighbour wanted her to pay for sound proofing in their house.

Thanks everyone for your sympathetic words. I just cant wait to see this professional to see what they say. There is a stair gate at the top of the stairs then there is a landing about 1 metre squared then there is his room one side and mine the other so i do have to just leave him in his room to get over it on his own but he can still see down the stairs and i can still see him and TRY to reason with him. But there is nothing else i can do. Ive tried holding him, holding him down on the sofa in his room, putting him in his cot, ignoring him, but leaving him to get on with it in his room is the safest thing i can do. And then go up when he's calmed down. Hopefully he will sealise soon that im not coming to get him until he's stopped screaming and so stop having such long tantrums