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Behaviour/development

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Pester Power driving me mad....

25 replies

Earlybird · 12/11/2006 21:51

DD sometimes seems unable to fully enjoy whatever we're doing because there is often something else she wants. Today was a good example. I took her to a film, but once there, she was desperate for popcorn/drink. After the movie was over, she was intent on searching the lobby to see if there were any "toys" to buy. We walked home along the river, and were enjoying watching the passing boats, and the street performers. But, soon she spotted a playground and that became the all consuming focus. On the way to the playground, there was an ice cream van and that became the next thing she was intent upon after a quick play.

Now, I like to do special/nice things for her, and given the chance, might even suggest/offer some of the things she pesters about. But, when I am constantly badgered, it gets old. I have no problem saying, and meaning "no", and she accepts it without too much grumbling. But it's as if she can't enjoy where she is/what she's doing because she's distracted by whatever else catches her fancy that she wants to do/have next. It also seems that whatever we do, it's not enough. She's always angling for more.

Is this behaviour typical of a curious, lively nearly 6 year old, or behaviour that needs addressing? If it needs attention, what do you suggest?

OP posts:
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southeastastra · 12/11/2006 21:56

yes it's typical and normal, that's what they're like

flack · 12/11/2006 21:57

If I take DCs for a nice day out they spend most of their time pestering for a toy. If I buy it too early, by the time we leave, they pester for another.

If I tell them before we go "NO TOYS", it turns out they don't really want to go, at all.

It drives me crazy, but net result, we don't go out much. I'm curious to hear what others say.

controlfreaky2 · 12/11/2006 22:00

that seems a shame. just ban all talk of toys on outings. buy something at end IF you want to.

7up · 12/11/2006 22:02

try "if youre really good when we go out today and dont hassle me for goodies, not even once! then on the way home il get you a treat"

if she hassles you dont get the treat and be prepared for the sulks. sounds awful i did it with my ds now 12 and it worked most of the time.

my mum said she used to tell us to behave and we'd get a penny bun on the way home!

flack · 12/11/2006 22:04

That wouldn't work with DD, 7up. She's too impulsive and anxiety prone (she'd be desperately worrying the whole time whether she could have a toy or not). That said, she's most likely to choose something early on and then not ask again. It's DS who chooses and gets bored with it quickly.

themoon66 · 12/11/2006 22:06

I reckon its down to personality. My DD was always whingeing for something when we were out. It spoiled the day TBH.

DS never worried and enjoyed the day out without continually looking for the next thing.

My mum said the same thing about me and my sister.. I was happy with what I was doing, my sister was, as my mum puts it 'continually on the want'.

I don't really know what the answer is. It seems to be a sort of discontentedness with the current situation... always looking for the next thing to want.

I can sympathise though... i know what you mean about not bothering to go out at all.

controlfreaky2 · 12/11/2006 22:11

but going out is nearly always easier / nicer than staying in.... go to the park / swimming etc. avoid toys etc.

Earlybird · 12/11/2006 22:26

The pestering doesn't make me want to stay in with her. But, what it does is threaten to transform nice "mummy-daughter" time into me feeling pestered, and eventually cranky. Instead of warm feelings of "aren't I a good mummy for doing something so lovely with dd", or alternatively "haven't we had a nice day out together", I feel negative because I'm irritated. Somehow repeatedly saying "no", takes away the joy of the experience because it feels I am denying her instead of treating her.

Helps to know that others go through this too, and that I haven't necessarily got an ungrateful dd. I guess she's just constantly testing to see where the limits are.

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TheHighwayCod · 12/11/2006 22:26

she dos it cos she knows it works imo

controlfreaky2 · 12/11/2006 22:31

exactement. my dc pester dh to death... because they know no doesnt mean no from him. they dont bother with me as they know i mean it.... [smug emoticon]

themoon66 · 12/11/2006 22:39

My DD improved no end after a visit to Disney in Florida where every ride ends in gift shop. It was like total overload.. she was flooded with stuff to want and gave up even looking at all by the third day!

Earlybird · 12/11/2006 22:58

Gosh themoon, that sounds no fun. How much did you buy before she gave up?

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themoon66 · 12/11/2006 23:15

I bought her very little... a pencil or rubber or something the first day. The second day she browsed and asked for stuff, to which I said, no... we have 2 weeks of this stuff to get through. Third day, she saw through the marketing hype of disney.

Earlybird · 13/11/2006 06:48

Yes, that's a good strategy. Sometimes when we go places where I know the "please can I haves" will be constant/inevitable, I announce to her in advance that she can have something but it must not cost over a certain amount. It's been very effective, and it is interesting to note how a "budget" of say, £2 is just fine with her and she doesn't whine about wanting more.

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hettie · 13/11/2006 08:49

Oh gawd?. I?m about to sounds incredibly harsh??..but here goes. The message in our house (when I was growing up) was that if you ask you don?t get. So there was no point in asking for anything ever (and I never did). This is not to say my parents never gave me presents or surprises, they just dictated when that was. And if they had decided to buy something (ice-cream or whatever) I was allowed a choice. I was always allowed to tell them if I was hungry or thirsty and I never felt that they didn?t love me or think about me??. Implemented early enough, I hope it will work with mine. I should add that I am very un-consumerist and largely ignore marketing etc, I make choices to buy things (or not) on my information and can?t see the point of most ?stuff? kids are supposed to have. Kids only think about it if the marketers succeed in getting under their skin or you suggest it (or the marketers get under your skin!)

hulababy · 13/11/2006 08:56

At Disney, we have never bought anything from the shops near the rides. Although DD looks and may occasionally ask, she happily accepts no. She is too bothered about which ride we are going on next

DD knows now if she asks constantly for something when out, she doesn't get anything at all.

Tortington · 13/11/2006 09:24

i think at 6 its old enugh to weigh up options and understand the concept of money.

so saying" i have spend all my money at the pictures" is good enough.

TheHighwayCod · 13/11/2006 09:25

i dotn take a purse if id ont want to bu anyhting
mine arnt too bad luciy but ds2 has signs he may wellbe

TillyRose · 13/11/2006 09:33

Hettie, I bet your kids are not at school yet - or am I wrong?

Earlybird · 13/11/2006 09:44

I enjoy indulging/treating/surprising her, but get irritable when she isn't satisfied with what's on offer - especially when it is a treat to begin with!

As I said before, she readily accepts a 'no', but I wish we didn't have to have the exchange so frequently. I equate the constant requests with greediness and/or dissatisfaction with what's on offer. Maybe that's not valid - she might just be trying it on.

There are two schools of thought: "I want doesn't get" or "you don't get, if you don't ask". Maybe she's just testing to see where the limits are.

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TheHighwayCod · 13/11/2006 09:45

so EB you are unpredicatble
so she thinks its alwasyw roth a try maybe?

Earlybird · 13/11/2006 09:47

You might be right Cod - maybe I like it when it's my idea to treat, but resist/resent when it's her idea...!

So, how can I be more consistent, and not send mixed signals...if that's what I'm doing?

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TheHighwayCod · 13/11/2006 09:49

id tie it up wiht any rewrads ystem you may or may not have
or give her pocket money in lieu of gifts

Earlybird · 13/11/2006 09:56

Well, she had her moneypurse in her rucksack and bought the ice cream for herself. But, that was because I literally had no cash as I had forgotten to go to the bank.

That's another issue that I'll have to deal with - actually letting her spend her own money on extra things she wants. We've done it a few times for special things, but maybe need to instigate a regular program of pocket money being used for everyday extras.

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TheHighwayCod · 13/11/2006 09:57

yesand try NOT taking money out ( secretly put yours in your jeans pocket)

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