Another child hitting my daughter at preschool

[Jessicalovessunshine]

Hello,
first time posting here, so i hope this is the right place!

My DD (age 3) started attending a Montessori nursery 4 days a week at the beginning of the year and she is absolutely loving 'school', however on three occasions now, she has told us that a boy has hit her.
On the first occasion, it was as i was walking into the room so i saw her and saw how upset she was. I told the carers and also as the little boy was near my DD told him not to hit my DD.
On the second occasion (Friday), my husband picked her up and she was very upset and said the boy hit her, because she couldn't tell him what she was eating.
She also mentioned that the boy had also hit her friend.
Monday was a public holiday for us here, to today was the first opportunity i got to speak to preschool about it and they said they are teaching the children to move away from this boy, if he looks like he is getting into one of these episodes. They admitted they were struggling with his behaviour and that they had special education visiting shortly.
Today, my husband picked DD up and she casually mentioned in the car home that this boy had hit her again, because she couldn't tell him why she was singing a song.

I have spoken to her about not being friends with this boy, but what more can i do? Her teachers say she is doing the right thing and shouting 'NO, I DON'T LIKE THAT' very loudly and moving away/telling a teacher, but obviously he isn't listening. Part of me wants to tell her to hit him back; i don't want her to learn that it is acceptable to be hit!

Any advice greatly appreciated and thank you for reading.

Please don't teach her to hit back.

It sounds like the nursery are aware of the problem and are trying to control it whilst seeking further advice. By all means talk to them about your concerns but don't make the issue worse by making your child hit to.

I think that at this age they will get hit sometimes. You absolutely can't tell her to hit back, though it's not unlikely that she will at some point.

And I think it's a mistake to tell her not to be friends. Kids are very forgiving of this stuff. My DS told me someone had hit him last week, but was able to describe why the other child had hit him and say that they were nice apart from that. We had a discussion about how all kids are learning to deal with frustration and some children find it harder to learn not to hit.

Thanks for the quick responses, obviously I am not going to tell her to hit back, but I don't want her thinking she has to just put up with this boy hitting her, because she can't answer his questions.

Nursery have advised her to stay away from him, so i do want to reinforce what they have said, hence the 'don't be friends comment.

She is tucked up in bed now, so i don't have to worry about it until tomorrow.

Sorry but I disagree about not telling her to hit back. Children need to know that it's ok to defend themselves.

When ds has told me about this i tell him to 1. tell the other child in no uncertain terms not to do it 2. if the child continues, tell an adult and finally 3. if the child still continues after adult intervention hit them back. Ds has some lovely friends at nursery, but there are one or two names that always crop up in respect of hitting, pushing and kicking. We've spoken with the nursery prior to giving ds this advice and i understand they're aware and struggling with methods to stop these children. I understand that. But if adults are unable to protect him then we are left with only one option - teach him to protect himself. That's what we've done.

Littlelion i totally disagree.

Well I think the preschool are being weak and feeble its not other childrens responsibility to move away from a child who might hit out not only is it teaching your child not to stand up for herself but it is isolating the hitter tell your dd to find her cross voice and she is to say to him DONT HIT ME ! the school are not dealing with anything

And that's my point Mrsjayy when your child and you have exhausted all other options, including the cross voice (repeatedly) what option are you left with?

Hmm the school don't sound like they are dealing with this well. Is it an AMI accredited Montessori or just one that's using the name? If it's AMI and a proper Montessori, this is a very poor show from them.

Little lion mans mummy, you hit the nail on the head about wanting her to be able to defend herself; i want her to be able to feel that she can defend herself (however that defence takes shape).
She is very confident and has no problems telling him to stop hitting, but obviously it doesn't work.
We live in NZ, so i don't know if there are different processes in place or how the term special education teacher translates to the UK education system, but they school are doing something about it. I just wish they would do something quicker!

AliceAnne I believe it is a proper montessori - excerpt from the website:

We are proud to be the first pre-school in New Zealand and only centre in X to offer full childcare and Montessori classes. Children can come to the centre just for the Montessori classes or a longer day for regular childcare experiences

I wasnt averse to telling mine to hit back if they needed to it isnt ideal but i just think they need to sometimes.

Op i suppose nurseries struggle with ensuring a consistent approach is also taken in the children's own homes, in the same way teachers in schools struggle. I am not saying this is always the case and sometimes there may be SN issues. But it is not your dd's fault that the issue cannot be dealt with by the adults, for whatever reason.

thank you everyone. I will see how things go tomorrow and take it from there.

They don't mention accreditation in that statement. I'd ask. If it were me I would ask to observe the class. Sit with a book and interact as little as possible. If they aren't happy to have you in there I'd run to be honest.

Montessori is very different from traditional nursery. There aren't any toys. Thy do "work". Some kids can find that adjustment tough and it takes skilled teachers to guide them. A "normalised" Montessori classroom should be very peaceful and any hitting etc would really stick out.

Hi All,

When she first started at the nursery, i attended with her and used to sit in the corner with a book. I am very happy with the play/structure and DD is always saying how much she loves going, so i am confident she loves the setting.
There was no hitting today, and tomorrow she is with us, so we will see what happens (if anything) on Friday.

There is another thread on here about DC that hit and the parents are struggling with it too, so I feel for you OP as my DS is the type of boy that would probably hit your DD. I say 'type' because I know he isn't great at sharing for example, he is 2 and if he is playing with something and another child takes it he will hit them, it's almost a quick touch more than a hit and usually on the hand taking the toy.

But I just wanted to say the parent of this boy may be really really trying everything they can at home, using the thinking step/timeout/discipline, reading everything suggested, asking the nursery staff for advice etc as much as they can and desperately want them to socialise well. But I do feel so bad if MY DS hits another child at nursery because I just want to say to the parent "I'm really sorry, he is lovely in every other way but that!" And he is such a loving, affectionate boy, but is prone to a little swipe to the hand if another child takes his toy. So not trying to excuse the boy hitting your DD, but hoping to maybe give the apology/perspective from the other parent that may not read this.

This thread struck a chord with me as (according to dd, and other more reliable sources) there is a dc at her preschool who is pretty much constantly getting told off for hitting, pushing, spitting at and biting other children. I believe an educational psychologist has been in to see him (though obviously I don't officially know that from the nursery), and that they are trying all they can to resolve the issues he is having.
I feel for the boy and I feel for his mum - I know she's had her troubles, and finds it really tough.
In this case, I don't have to encourage dd to stay away from the child, as she is constantly telling me that she does so, and how much she dislikes his behaviour (not him as such, but she complains all the time about what he does). He's never even done it to her, actually (the only injury she's had that we know of there is when her best friend bit her!). But she gets quite indignant on others' behalfs. But frankly, even if she did want to play with him, I think I would advise her not to. I feel really sorry for the boy, but at the end of the day her right not to be hit etc is my priority, brutal as that sounds.
Having said that, I'd be pretty shocked if the nursery staff were instructing children to actively avoid him - that sounds pretty inappropriate to me.