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4yr old dd's behaviour does my head in ... advice needed.

13 replies

Emmalou · 02/05/2004 22:11

My dd is now 4 and has always been a handful - strong-willed, arguementative, etc, and has taken a lot of coaching to get her to behave somehwat normally. We use all the usual tricks - star charts, time-out, etc which do work some of the time but there are days when she just does my head in and I need to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has problems like this. Since her sister arrived 18 months ago she goes through phases (usually about a week) of spinning around the room bumping into things, jumping off and on her chair, eating with her fingers, |singing la-la-la at every quiet moment. She doesn't stop, just goes from one thing to another. I guess for the most part it's not naughty behaviour so I try and ignore it or briefly tell her to stop, which she does and then a few minutes later just starts again. It feels like she's feeling left out (hardly!) and needs to make her presence felt. We had a terrible time when number 2 dd came long - out of work husband, depression, and I did a lot of shouting. Is is possible that she doubts my love in some way ? Or feels insecure ? Even when she's on a good week she needs almost constant attention and refuses to play on her own. She can, she just doesn't want to. I feel as if I've failed in some way as she just feels as if something is really amiss with her. Her childminder has had similar problems. She eats really well, very few additives etc and gets loads of sleep. Help please.

OP posts:
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sykes · 02/05/2004 22:16

Emma, I have two dds the same age gap. I find it helps if you take her out on her own sometimes/really get her tired out in the park/swimming- I'm sure you've involved her with the younger dd as much as you can. Is she at playgroup - does she have her own friends she can see seperately? Maybe as much as you can for a short time one-on-one - ie, swimming etc? Sorry - sure you've done all this but it helped my elder dd.

KateandtheGirls · 02/05/2004 22:26

I'm in the same boat. 2 daughters aged 4 1/2 and 2, and the 4 year old is a real handful most of the time. I try and give her individual attention when possible, and play up the fact that there's lots of things she can do that her sister can't, but I don't know if it helps at all. She's in pre-school 5 mornings a week and is an angel there.

I'm hoping it's a stage she'll grow out of quickly!

thenewkidintown · 02/05/2004 22:29

Emmalou - I'd like to help, but have no experience of your situation at that child age. Reading the other threads, I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice soon. Good luck!

Ghosty · 02/05/2004 22:32

Emma ... my sympathies ....
My DS is 4 and has been a nightmare since he was 3 and a half. We got throught the 'terrible' twos without any problems at all and then a hurricane hit a year ago only to get worse when DD was born 3 months ago.
I think there are a few threads around that say that 4 year olds are awful ... all to do with hormones and readiness for school (ie more structure) ...
I know what you mean about wondering whether your DD doubts your love in some way ... I have felt wondered that on many occasion with DS and the guilt became unbearable with the birth of DD ... to the point where I over compensated and DS began to show serious signs of 'Spoilt Brattishness'.
Things have settled down recently but we have to keep a tight rein on him. We have a zero tolerance policy on antisocial behaviour (ie. bad eating habits and jumping on furniture and shouting etc) and I make sure that he has some 1 to 1 time with me once a day so that I can say to him, "Look, Mummy has done x,y or z with you today ... now it is time for me to do my jobs while you play for a bit."
I think DS began to feel a bit more secure when we began to lay down the law a bit more ... sounds funny but I think children feel safer with clear boundaries ...
Anyway ... I am sure that your DD's behaviour is just a phase ... keep your chin up .. you are not alone!
Now .. nighttimes is something else altogether ... I am off to start a new thread on how to get my 4 year old to sleep through the night!

Slinky · 02/05/2004 22:39

My 4.5yo is being a bit of a pain of late (must be something in the air!).

She's always been a bit of a handful, very strong-willed (nursery say she's stubborn!), but after a while she appeared to be calming down somewhat!

However, the last few weeks, it's all started up again. She's very whingy/shouts/bosses her older siblings around.

I was chatting to DH last night about her - and he reminded me that in fact our other 2 children (now 8 & 6) were exactly the same around the same age. It was basically the last 6 months before they start school - which it is in DD2 case as she starts in September.

Not much advice to give - just to reassure you that it does appear to be a phase at this age and it will pass.

When does your DD start school?

sobernow · 03/05/2004 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 03/05/2004 07:58

Hi emmalou and everyone else with 4yos doing your head in! Here is Ghosty's thread, I put a few links on it Hope there's something there that helps.

willow2 · 03/05/2004 15:10

To paraphrase another m'netter, it's not the terrible twos you have to worry about, it's the f'in fours.

lars · 03/05/2004 15:21

Hi, Just read your thread and fully understand how your are feeling. My ds is now 6 and was like that at 4 and is still like it. I am having a bad time with him at the moment and he is under going an assessment. We have been told by Education phsy that he wants to be in control. I dont know if this sounds familar, but we have been told to give him choices and try not to use the 'no' word, really hard I can tell you.
I would suggest to try to get dd interested in something which involves you or your partner ( time for you and her together) it may be a trip to the park, planting seeds,etc, just the two of you.
I haven't all the answers and still looking for solutions myself but I know a lively child is hard work and these are some of the things that have been suggested to my DH and myself. GOOD LUCK, larsxx

Emmalou · 06/05/2004 22:04

Thanks, Willow2, your comment made me laugh out loud and it was just what I needed! It's good to hear that I'm not alone with this nightmare. I think what adds to my frustration is that I give about 70% of my attention to my 4yr old and luckily dd 2 is quite happy to play alone. A typical day would look like this. We start the day with stories in bed (I read to dd1, my husband looks after dd2 for as long as she'll put up with it), followed by dd2 helping me get breakfast, more stories at the table, a rendition of the "goodbye song" from the Sound of Music - including the dancing (don't laugh!) with dd1. I then help get her dressed, help her with her teeth (all these things she can and will do on her own if the mood suits her) ... the day continues like this. We usually go to the park after pre-school where admittadly I'm mostly with dd2 as she's just learnt to walk (could this be behind all this bad stuff?). When my husband's at home he cooks with dd1, plays on the computer with her .... the list goes on and on. I feel like she is spoilt with the level of attention she gets but still insists on crushing dd2 when she's not entertained. We have zero tolerance for this kind of behaviour and she has time out for this. She had it 3 times in an hour today, continually pushing dd2 over or lying on her ... you get the picture. AAahhhhh! What else can I do ? I feel such a failure when she's like this. Why does she need so much confirmation from us ?

OP posts:
Emmalou · 06/05/2004 22:09

Just read your link, Wickedwaterwitch - very, very helpful. God, sometimes you feel like it's just you. Why don't I ever see these children when I'm out with mine ??????

OP posts:
lars · 07/05/2004 08:35

It sounds like she has all the attention she could want. I think that your dd will grow out of it just a phase she is going through.
If it gets really bad speak to HV about it for any suggestions. Sometimes HV runs courses I know my friends have been to a few and found other parents in the some situation and it was a help with suggesions and different ideas to try. Don't worry though I do feel your dd will grow out of all this. larsxx

juniper68 · 07/05/2004 08:58

I know I keep harping on about it but my ds2 had cranial osteopathy and he has calmed down so much it's remarkable. His keyworkers at pre school are amazed. Everyone comments on the change

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