DD having some issues at nursery

[bear73]

Hi

I'm a fairly new poster here but thought I'd post for some advice. My dd is 3y 9m and started a new nursery in September. She was happy at her previous pre-school but didn't really make "friends" as such. She was always happy but was more of an observer and didn't approach children that well. She is very independant though and speaks exceptionally well, so no problems comminucating.

Since starting at this new nursery I have spoken to the teacher on a few occasions because she said Erin was not really mixing that well and was following one particular girl around (an old friend). She also said things like she never joins in songs, does actions etc and doesn't sit still. A few weeks later at the Harvest Asssembly she sat perfectly for nearly an hour and did sing and do actions (which I have never seen her do before )

She seems to have more of a social interaction issue. She can sit too close to other kids, fiddle with their hair or clothes etc, keep trying to cuddle them or tickle them. Obviously this becomes annoying to the other child. I have only ever see her do it with two girls both of which are long term friends.

She is a very sweet girl, very bright and I have no issues with her at home at all. I was told her and this other girl often get into scraps and one or other is always coming up saying so an so hit me or pulled my hair or whatever. They are trying to keep them apart as much as possible and have told us to try to extend dd circle of friends there.

I am just concerned for her as she is really a lovely girl but I fear she won't make friends as she comes across a bit awkward and annoying. Also she has started lots of silly talk like "poo poo face" etc. This is usual for her age but she copies the other kids and says it in nursery to other kids who tell the teacher on her. She was actually sat on a chair because of going up to some children and saying poo poo to them.

She is happy there though and loves going, her development in all other areas is fine and in soem cases above average. I was wondering if anyone else has suffered this sort or annoying awkward behaviour with other kids and did it sort itself out?

Thanks and sorry for the long ramble!

bear
x

bump for you

She sounds as if she is just floundering a bit trying to get the social skills right for this new group she has found herself in. Functioning in a group and learning what is appropriate and acceptable is quite a complicated business and can be daunting and confusing - she is still very small. Do you talk through her day with her? Do you have a chance to tactfully let her know what behaviour friends find acceptable and what they might not like? It is a bit like when very shy adults trying to make polite conversation and making complete fools of themselves by inadvertantly saying the wrong thing IYSWIM.

`I always end up recommending this book but the out of synch child (available on amazon- cheap its a paperback) might give you some tips. It may not end up being relevant, but from your descriptions sounds like it would be worth a read. Lots of practical advice and the exercises etc do help!

Thank you very much. Sorry for the delay in replying but I didn't receive and email alerts to say I had replies.

Thank you for the book recommendation I will give it a try.

I am finding it all very frustrating but she just won't listen to reason. I often talk through her day with her and she knows what is and isn't acceptable. As soon as other children are introduced she becomes very silly, very over-excited, she'll start saying rude things like poo poo and boobie etc, which I do not allow with me.

It's like she is trying to impress but does it all the wrong way round. She is over-touchy aswell, will pat children and get a bit rough playing sometimes. I feel sorry for her really, she is impressionable and copies behaviour and then gets in trouble herself.

Today she got in trouble for pushing a boy during registration at nursery. She said he was in her space. She was moved by the teacher.

I suppose I will just have to ride it out. I am very interested in anyone who has had similar experiences.

Thank you for replying.

bear
x

My ds can do lots of socially inappropriate things and have posted on here before saying that I worry about him socially as he is always trying to control other children's games and they don't like it.

However what I wanted to say to you was that this sounds remarkably like my freinds dd who started a new playgroup at a similar age. She is a lovely little girl and loves hugs and tickling her pals like your dd seems to. All the other little girls at the playgroup had already found friends and would not let this girl join in. She became lonely and quite upset. In the end the playgroup identified another girl who was not included in the cliques and pushed the 2 of them together - they are now really close.

I guess the point of this is that she will make freinds fine and all toddlers are a bit socially inept, but it will take time as she has come into established relationships. Maybe you could ask the nursery if there is anyone else who is also short of a friend and they could put the two of them together where possible.

Thank you for all your messages.

Things have gone from bad to worse regarding the nursery. I was pulled aside today again by the teacher and told that dd had bitten a boy and hit him on the head. She was sat on a chair away from the children but later hit her friend on the head with a piece of play food. Because of this the teacher actually took her to have a chat with the headmistress! She is 3, is that normal! She said it was a just a chat and that they had a cuddle but I'm not sure that's right is it?

My daughter started at this nursery in Sept. Before that she was at a pre-school for 3 terms. I had no reports of her being horrible to other kids, either verbally or physically. I have never ever known her to push, bite or hit other children. She has issues with not mixing with kids etc but this aggresive behaviour is new.

I have been in tears today. I know the boy will tell his mum it was dd. Thing is I know dd has said this boy has shoved her a bit before and I witnessed him doing it at assembly recently. I asked about this and the teacher basically told me not to make excuses. I feel awful and so out of control of the situation.

I have spoken to dd and she said she didn't want this boy to play the marble run she was happy playing with another boy and she didn't want Alfie to join in as he wasn't her friend. Regards the hitting her friend on the head she said she wanted to sit at the table and their were no chairs and they weren't letting her join in.

I am dreading going there tomorrow, I feel sick like I have a lump in my stomach. Even dd said she didn't want to go tomorrow.

Bear
x

Sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment. I have been in a similar situation before with hitting and pushing and know how you feel. I think that what you are describing is quite a normal reaction for some three year olds. They do not yet know how to express themselves verbally so need to get their message across so that they will be understood. As for seeing the headmistress this does seem a bit much but hopefully it was just a gentle reminder of how to behave. As for feeling nervous about tomorrow, I can appreciate how you feel, maybe try to get them on side and ask how you think you could help, bearing in mind that they need to deal with the situation when it happens but that you are concerned and will do all you can to help resolve the situation. So big hugs to you. Good Luck

bear73 I so feel for you.

DD got into similar trouble, and now even more so she's at reception, because when she's tired she doesn't feel like 'discussing' things she just gets physical. During the first parent evening the teacher told me that dd seems to have problems communicating (ffs she never shuts up at home!) and needs to learn that even if somebody else started the altrication she will get into trouble if she retaliates. Erhem... she's 4. Of course she'll retalliate! I had to snigger though because dd is very petite for her age and was 'beating up' one of the large boys. DD is very 'poo poo this and poo poo that' as well and has been since nursery. Problem there is I think that they pick it up from other kids, especially those with older siblings.

Taking your dd to see the head teacher is a bit much I would say!

Also in small groups dd is a ring leader but as soon as there are more children she turns really shy and withdrawn at times. She expects kids to join in with her if she asks, probably because when she was at the cm's she was always the smallest and everybody thought she was so cute she was spoilt rotten with attention. Not saying that you're spoiling your dd and if so, nothing wrong with that.

We have now trained dd to go to talk to the teacher as soon as she thinks there is a problem with any of the other kids so she won't get into trouble. So basically we've trained her to be a 'snitch' but at least that way she removes herself from the situation and won't start hitting other kids. Saying that I think teacher is getting fed up with that too, because this morning I observed dd waiting patiently (!!!) to get teachers attention only to tell that xyz boy had laughed because something fell off the magnet board .

DD is also VERY touchy feely and for the last week she's been chasing the boys round the playground at school before going in trying to give them big sloppy kisses . Not all of them appreciate it of course. On the other hand dd is very tom boyish and can get a bit rough. So we keep reminding her that not everybody wants to play with her all the time, and e.g. if a toy/bike etc is used by somebody else she can always find something else to play with until first kids gets bored, etc. it's all about repetition I think. Well at least it's with my little one.

Sorry for the rant hope it makes sense

Thak you all for replying. I have calmed down a bit but still feel very uptight over the whole situation. It's made worse by the fact she doesn't act like this with me or with friends or family.

I suppose i will have to just grin and bear it. I spoke to her about it and told her that she sould tell the teacher if something is wrong or just walk away and find something else to do. Easier said than done when a 3y old wants something!

thanks for the support. I supect I'll be back here again lol

bear
xxxx

Hello Bear,

My nephew has similar behavioural traits and I was wondering if, like him, your dd may have a mild form of Asperges? Not wishing to be over-alarmist, and she may well not have it, but it would explain the fidgeting and the problems with recognising personal space and interaction difficulties.

Not the only possible cause of course, but I just thought it might be helpful to look into it.

My ds starts nursery in 2008 when he's 3 and I'm bricking it already. I'm planning to take a week off work just to get over the stress of it all. Dh and I both had a lousy time at school, and I guess I'm over-anxious that ds will fare better in social situations. The slightest bit of negative feedback from the nursery and I'll be in therapy for years!