Urgent advice needed - dealing with clinging/tantrums in 13 month old

[footstep]

We have a lovely 13 month old dd. She is totally adorable (of course!) but very energetic and pretty demanding ('Spirited'!). I stayed at home with her until 2 months ago, and since she's an only child, it was easy enough to meet her needs.

However, I'm now back at work full time and dd spends the day with a CM. She absolutely loves the CM and the other kids she looks after (two 3 year olds, one her own), but she's very demanding of attention and screams and cries when the CM leaves her side. The CM describes the screaming as being like a tantrum, and it is at a peak in the hour between the school run and tea, when the CM is trying to cook.

This is making life difficult for the CM - if she tries to pay attention to one of the others, dd gets between them and pushes the other kid away. Obviously, the CM needs to consider the needs of her family and other mindees (as well as her own sanity) and so has told us that unless dd improves, she's going to sack us

As I've said, dd is very happy there (I think her behaviour at least shows that she is well attached to the cm) and the arrangement suits us really well, so I'd hate to have to find alternative care. Also, I'm worried that the problem will be repeated anywhere else we try.
DD does seem to have got a bit more clingy with me recently. She's only been walking for a month, so I put it down to that.

All the advice I can find seems to deal with older toddlers, or just says to wait it out, but that isn't an option for us. Can anyone suggest an approach we can try? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of problem?

Thanks very much

footstep

She's just a baby - how can the CM say such an unreasonable thing!!! Your dd has just gone through a huge change in her little life - you were at home with her all the time and now you have disappeared for most of the day. Of course she is insecure and clingy. She is far too young to understand. She is also probably extremely tired if she has just learned to walk. They go back to needing more sleep at this stage.
I know it is hard - I went back to work when my dd was just a year old, and I really do understand, but i think the CM's attitude is shocking. Incidentally, aren't there rules about how many very young children the cm can look after? It sounds as if she's got too many, and personally i wouldn't dream of trying to cook with all those little ones under my feet. You might be better considering looking for a CM who has fewer children, and who is a bit more sympathetic to the needs of little ones. Sorry - it isn't your fault, and I don't want to upset you, but I do think you need to step back and look at this objectively.

have you thought of linking this page to the CM and nurseries page?

i don't have a cm but i remember how insecure dd was when she began to walk. they need lots of short cuddles for reassurance. i solved it at home after we came back from work by putting her in her highchair in the kitchen while i cooked and keep giving her an array of finger snacks and toys, most of which got thrown to the floor but gave me 15 min respite to cook something for us.

Is she getting a good rest in the day?

It just occurs to me that the time you describe her behaviour as being at it's worst is that late afternoon time of the day when my DS would be a nightmare if he hadn't had a good nap...needless to say I was religious in giving him a 12 - 2pmish nap each day......

you say school run - does she have older children to pick up as well? If so echo 3littlefrogs re this might be a childminder who doesn't suit your dd due to inevitable lack of attention?

Does she have to cook at that time - could she give them a sandwich type tea and a cooked lunch instead?

I would agree with the others that this is a developmental phase and will pass. I'm a bit surprised that the cm doesn't have strategies for dealing with this, tbh. Ds is 15 months and just working through his clingy phase, but his isn't exacerbated by the walking issue (not walking yet!). I think the combination of walking=tiredness therefore needing more sleep, maybe not getting it, and being clingy, is making your dd hard work atm,

IIWY I would start a thread asking for tips on how to handle your dd, particularly re. the other children and mealtimes, then pass these tips on to the cm. It is essential that you work together to resolve this. I think "sacking" you would be very short-sighted (she may end up with a worse one!!)

Sorry, not meaning to imply your dd is "bad" btw footstep! I should think more before I type

Thanks all

Don't worry Miaou - thanks for posting

I think sleep may be a key issue. DD is very reluctant to sleep during the day. When she's with us, we usually arrange the day so that she's out in the buggy or car after lunch - that guarantees a good nap. At home, she needs to be rocked/sung to sleep for her afternoon nap, and that might be a bit much to ask of the CM.

The CM?s kitchen is separated from the living room by a stairgate, so the kids aren?t under her feet while she?s cooking - I?m confident that they?re safe and supervised. But perhaps you?re right that dd needs to be somewhere where she can have more attention in the late afternoon. CM has the 3 little ones plus (I think) 3 older kids (including her own) after school.

On the other hand, dd thinks older kids are fab, and they seem to like her too (when she?s not screaming), so perhaps there are benefits to having a crowd.

I think the CM has tried everything she can think of. She?s going to speak to a child behaviour/development specialist she knows to see if she can suggest an approach.

How long do kids take to grow out of the just-walking clingy phase?

Thanks again

footstep

Regardless of whether you are trying to cook or not - that time just before tea can be very difficult at this age. Often the children are tired & beginning to get hungry. The little ones don't yet understand that period of waiting for tea to cook and so see beginnings of activity in the kitchen as instant food.

If your LO is not used to just going to bed and sleeping then perhaps she is extra tired - also don't forget she is just walking and she is getting all that extra stimulation from the others at the CM's.

As a CM I have looked after similar aged children who have taken some time to get used to the routine especially napping in an unfamiliar environment. Onein particular used to sleep for 45 mins and wake screaming even though she really needed more sleep. I just had to ride it out, and prepare as much for tea in the early afternoon during that 45 mins as possible. I also sometimes brought the highchair into the kitchen - away from anything hot and strapped her in with a few toys and talked to her while doing anything that still needed to be done in the kitchen.

It wasn't ideal but she was new, very young and insecure. It is just a phase that they will come out of again.

Perhaps talking to your childminder again about strategies to get her to nap better, and suggestions for while she is cooking may help.

I hope things improve

bumping this for the evening crowd

I agree with the pp - I think there is nothing unusual in your LOs behaviour - all she wants is attention & as your childminder appears to be working to her max numbers she is having trouble providing that care. Its good in a way that she is seeking extra help to try & cope with this...but I would be concerned that a childminder looking after so many children doesnt appear to have sufficient experience to deal with such a common occurance...I would have thought she would have been better looking at her own behaviour & practices to allow her to devote more time to your LO....

TBH is sounds like she has realised that she has simply taken too many children on & she is looking for an excuse...