How can I help my 10 year old ds be more sociable with adults?

[tomatoesarered]

He is apparently popular at school and will chat effortlessly with friends, dd and dh and I. We eat together each evening and he knows he has to have a little conversation with us which is fine. However, outside the home and with any other adult he really struggles socially. He even clings to me in those situations and can seem rude. We haven't made a big deal about it but I would really like to help him learn these skills. Could really do with a bit of guidence.

Read up on the introverted child.

Forcing it won't help. Most adults will accept a child isn't always comfortable socially so I wouldn't worry about him seeming rude.

Sounds like selective mutism - lower end.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/selective-mutism/Pages/Introduction.aspx

There is a very active parents group on facebook run by the UK charity for selective mutism - SMIRA. they will welcome you and give you loads of advice...as well as checking whether this is SM with you if you want.

my DD2 (same age) is like this so will read with interest.

Do you know if he ever talks to any teachers, or other adults at school, outside of lesson times? For example, in the playground at break or lunchtimes? Is he in Yr6? and will thus go to secondary school in September.

Is he in any clubs or doing extra activities after school?

Looking at the SM criteria, I personally wouldn't rate DS as extreme as that, but he IS shy, and possibly lacking in self confidence, and maybe self esteem. You don't mention any siblings; are there any?

I will come back, if you wish to reply to my queries.

Ferguson are you talking about your own DS or OP's? One of the main issues with selective mutism is that many people think you have to be completely silent in school to 'qualify' and that is not the case. Selective mutism can be less extensive than that. If children speak normally at home but are unable to speak to certain adults or in certain settings and it is caused by anxiety then that counts. The crucial thing is that SM children at the 'mild' end (it's called low profile SM) are able to answer in certain circumstances but not initiate. The diagnostic manual actually says that children 'do not initiate or reciprocally respond' in some settings or to some people. In other words, many SM children get missed because they are able to minimally respond (a few words) especially if an answer is factual and they are certain of being correct.
I know this because my son was missed for 10 years. He has low profile SM.

My DS1 is 11 and very similar to how you describe your DS. He's always been shy, will rarely speak up in class, or volunteer information unless pressed. He makes friends easily, behaves impeccably in class and is very strong academically, but he seems unable to interact with adults, apart from close family.

Today, for instance, I took something into his school, for his teacher, and he and I gave it to her. She said something like 'Wow, X, that's so kind of you, isn't it great?' and he just stood there. No eye contact, no interaction, or even recognition that she had addressed him directly. I am now focused on not answering for him, so I nudged him and he mumbled something. When I take him to the doctor's, or to an after school club, or into a shop, he seems entirely unable to speak, unless firmly prompted.

He says it's because he doesn't know what to say, and that he feels shy. So we've worked on what generic things he could say to strike up a conversation, or in response, and we talk about what sort of impression it makes when he seems to ignore someone.

It's getting to the point, I think, where he will begin to be overlooked, or signed off as 'ignorant' for not responding and honestly, I am really worried about him starting at high school in September. He's an amazing kid with so much to offer. I don't want him to be sidelined.

Following this with interest for tips and ideas how to help DS!

My Dh struggles with small talk, and can sometimes come across as rude. He puts it down to the fact that his father always answered for him, when he was a child.

I'd say, try to boost his self-confidence. Let him order his own meal when in a restaurant or cafe. Encourage him to do various activities or task on his own, e.g. cooking or walking to school alone.

Some children aren't naturally confident, and it shouldn't be forced, as Micah said, but you can perhaps help him feel more comfortable with people he doesn't know well.

clairewitchproject - Hi; I can't quite work out why you should think I was talking about anyone other than the child of the OP! But not to worry . . .

I worked in primary schools as TA or voluntary helper, for over twenty-five years. I saw many children who exhibited various degrees of 'shyness', and I would try to help them with their anxiety (a TA is often better placed to help than is the busy teacher, though I would inform the teacher of the situation.)

But I don't ever recall one that could be classed as SM.

I posed those queries to the OP as I felt replies to them might help clarify the causes and possibly suggest some remedies.

Thanks Ferguson for clarifying what you meant!

I am an ed psych for 20 years who specialises in social anxiety and communication. One in 140 children has selective mutism. In 25 years as a TA you emphatically did see children with SM, only it wasn't recognised, because it often / almost always isn't, unless the child has severe SM which means they cannot speak at all in school (this is much rarer). There is at least one SM kid in most primary schools at any one time. Try to get people to understand and recognise SM is a large part of my job! There is nothing wrong with being shy - it's normal between ages 3-7 -or introverted, which means that you prefer to work alone and need recharge time and will be a quiet grop member but can expand thoughtful ideas given an opportunity. A 10 year old unable to speak to any adult outside of close family is falling outside 'shy' and into 'this is a problem'.

The good thing about SM is that is it often responsive to treatment, IF itis recognised. OP, I really recommend the SMIRA facebook page if you want access to lots of free advice and downloadable resources.