Help! Son won't give me a moment's peace

[hollingbury]

I have a brilliant 4.5 year old son. He's amazing but totally unable - at least with me - to do anything on his own. He wants me to play with him ALL THE TIME.

He goes to preschool x 3 a week, and we do play dates - but obviously we spend time together at home. When we do, I end up wanting to tear my hair out. I do loads with him, then try and set him up with other stuff, and he always ends up demanding more play and crying if I don't.

I really feel my patience dwindling and I know I snap and I hate myself for it. But it's so intense.

I don't want to spend any less time with him, but I don't know what to do. Do I need to do a parenting course? I wonder if he's feeding into my subconscious anxiety around it all - the expectation that he will be like this. And then that produces this vicious circle.

I'm feeling like such a crap mum.

if youre too busy to play, i dont see why he cant watch some telly or relax on his bed if he doesnt play by himself.

Love the 'special time' idea!

My DD (5) has always been like this, very demanding of me and also very controlling. I'll never forget her expression of fury when she came out of preschool gym at the age of 3 to see I'd been talking to another mother - 'but I wanted you to just WAIT for me" she shouted. Even at 18mths I was known as the mother who couldn't hold other people's babies as DD would scream and throw herself at me/the floor in hysterical distress if I did.

I definitely found it all too easy to fall into the trap of giving her half my attention a lot of the time as I felt so smothered but couldn't face rowing. This made her worse though and I had to work really hard to try and define the boundaries between me playing with her and her playing alone. Housework really helped as seeing me sitting down or reading or talking on phone was a real trigger.

School has helped as her ability to explore her interests independently (reading, writing etc) has increased. As she has got older I can explain the rules more "mummy and DP are talking at the moment, you can sit quietly and listen Or you can go to your room and play one of your CDs." Then thanking her for being polite, and making an effort to do something one-on-one after.

She is still triggered into being very demanding by me talking to other adults or playing with other children but she is learning to manage it better and to be more independent.

I also got stricter about playing a bit more on my terms which helped with the controlling side. So (for example) I love puzzles and setting things up/dressing up dolls but i LOATHE 'making things talk to each other'. So some of the time I would give her all the attention she wanted but to do more of the things we both enjoyed rather than being dictated to. This made it a lot easier to manage.

To be honest one of the best things for us has been the introduction of a step brother, having a "sibling" definitely made it easier in my household. I do think it is hard when you have an only child, especially if you are on your own (which I was).

School will help and you may find, as I did, that although you see "less" of them, you enjoy it so much more as you have had time to breathe and find yourself. I dreaded school and was wracked with guilt that I was wasting my 'last few precious months' struggling with the demands instead of enjoying them. But school has been fab, not at all what I expected and i think we are both much much happier now and have better times together, good luck

Sympathies OP, I only have peace by resorting to screens and because demanding DS has a little brother who mostly puts up with his bossiness. My demanding child often turns violent & destructive towards others because even horrible punishment is far preferable to him emotionally than being ignored. It's pretty challenging. We all breathe a sign of relief when he goes for a poo.

It's hard work isn't it op.

My dd (now 4) didn't like watching TV on her own. The poster who said "it's like he doesn't exist on his own" really rang true with me.

The special time could work well. I kind of did something similar when her brother was born. She had to take care of herself until he slept and then it was "mummy and dd time"
She responded really well to it. Good luck.

i think the other point that I found helpful- and pps have clarified in my head, with my DS was rather than give him my half/ grudging attention all the time, to split it more into giving him my absolute full attention, generously with no attempts to back off/ get away etc, which just set him on edge and made him worse sometimes, and then when I had to do something else, to be absolutely firm that it wasn't time to play with him. I found this approach worked a bit better. Also for us, a big difference came when he got a bit better at drawing (so that he didn't get hugely frustrated that things didn't turn out the way he wanted) and could do that by himself for a bit. That was more just a developmental thing though obv rather than anything we did. Good luck OP. it's really exhausting, but it will change.

DD is also likely to be an only child so I have been trying to encourage solo play for some time now. I seem to be having more success as time goes by but I think it is as much that she is getting older and more independent than from anything I have done right. Boring her with housework seems to work a bit, she says 'come and play, mummy' and I say 'oh no, I have to do the dishes right now', she usually goes and starts to do something on her own. Sometimes it is chopping up magazines with her scissors all over the carpet, though

If your DS is going off to his room by himself then just let him. Don't worry that he is lying on his bed doing nothing, once he is bored enough he will find something to do