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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

violent toddler

17 replies

1becomes3 · 07/11/2006 16:19

My DD is 17months she is a happy child, but she gets violent.
I know it's normal for hair pulling, bitting, throwing things pinching etc happen at this age but the problem I am having is that when she does these things and I tell her off she just thinks it's a fun game and carries on.
When she hurts me I pretend to cry and she comes up and gives me a kiss and cuddle to say sorry but straight after she will do the same thing again.
I am not a smacker I have wacked the back of her hand when she has been really over the top but that has no effect on her either, she just laughs and wacks her own hand.
I'm pg with twins and I am worried that she may harm them when they are born because she just doesn't seem to care about being told off.
I have thought about the naughty step but I just don't get how it would work.
Any Ideas?

OP posts:

moopymoo · 07/11/2006 17:51

NOt really any constructive advice, but a big 'me too' my ds is just turned 2 , i picked him up from playschool this morning and he had been really violent hitting other children all morning. hes a happy child too most of the time. A friend of mine uses the naughty step from about 18 months, she uses reins to hold them onto stair gate at first till they get the idea. sounds a bit drastic to me, but it seems to work. think i might have to try it! Good luck with the babies, i think most mums with toddlers and new ones have to watch like a hawk anyway, im sure all will fall into place!

MammyM · 08/11/2006 09:49

my ds is also quite violent and doesn't take any notice when he's told off. I have used the naughty step with varied success. He knows that it's not for long and that I will come and get him when it's time ( one minute for each year of his life) if he gets up it starts again. Usually when the three minutes is up he's calmer and quieter. I've also identified that he does play up when he's tired, hungry or bored so at the first sniff of bad behaviour I try to eliminate these causes. Not always easy. Good luck.

mumtoone · 08/11/2006 10:22

My ds is 3 and has a tendency to get into rather silly moods where he starts hitting. If you tell him off he thinks its funny. His nursery have started him on a star chart which seems to work as he knows he looses a star if he hits or refuses to listen to the nursery nurses. I suspect your 17 month old is too young for this. I would just remove them from the person they are hitting and ignore the behaviour as its the reaction they seem to like.

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 10:25

I think the 'telling off' is a waste of breath to be honest....obviously as a caring mum you want to deal with this behaviour, but at 17 months probably every word you say except the last one, is just going straight over her head! Make life easier on yourself by sticking to a really firm "NO" with hairy-eyeball contact at same time, then I think personally that withdrawing attention completely from the behaviour is the way to go. At 17 months she is still a baby and she WILL be distractable...I said similar to another poster recently, as it worked SO well for us;

DON'T focus on the behaviour, don't put pressure on yourself to 'deal' with it:

DISTRACT her!!!!! Get her doing stuff she IS allowed to do....

just don't think you have to 'tell her off' - she isn't doing it to be naughty and thus merit a telling off, she is experimenting in all sorts of ways, mainly enjoying the effect she as a tiny person can have on the world....

just keep getting her onto other things.

snowleopard · 08/11/2006 10:43

Me too! - this sounds like my DS who is also 17 months. I've noticed that he very easily turns any kind of unwanted behaviour, including hitting, hair pulling, throwing food etc., into a game because as soon as he gets a reaction he's away, trying to do it again. The only thing that works is a) not reacting at all, or reacting very calmly, eg silently and slowly removing his hand from my hair - and b) suddenlt distracting him by saying "What is THAT!!?? Look! A van!!!" etc. and pulling his attention away from my reaction.

I imagine the pretend crying is making it into a game for her - she can probably sense it's pretend and thinks you're playing with her and want her to carry on - I know my DS would think that.

It is so hard to manage isn't it and not to react - because I am with DS much more of the time, he gets better and better at making me react - I notice when DP says no he takes it much more seriously. Grrr!

SurferChick · 08/11/2006 11:24

I have found that the naughty step works as long as you have the time to be consistant, if you have to put them on the step 3 - 4 times in a row because their behaviour carries on then it will eventually sink in that maybe it is not a good thing. Star charts are very good but try to keep a positive theme woth them reward them for doing something good and then take a star away if they hit or bite etc. I have a little boy who is 3 and he is the same if I tell him off he just laughs and thinks it is a game but the rewards chart definitely works with him.

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:29

don't forget surfer, this baby is only 17 months so they naughty step not appropriate here...

SurferChick · 08/11/2006 11:35

Sorry yes my mistake. Have any of you ever had a child that just didn't see the point of sitting on a naughty step and just kept getting off? Distraction is also a great way to stop naughty behaviour developing in toddlers.

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:44

never used naughty step myself...ds would have got up a million times and I didn't see the point in making our lives that hard.

I just worked my butt off using distraction like mad.....there were a number of occasions where he just would not be distracted but we are talking less than 10 in his life...then I would use time out in his room for a couple of minutes just to remove the focus of his anger/behaviour.

The more I played actively with him, the less trouble he was!

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:45

I secretly like the spirit and determination of a child who won't sit on a naughty step, must be my rebellious nature but I can't admire a child who sits where they are told to for minutes at a time

SurferChick · 08/11/2006 11:50

I like your spirit, sounds like you have it sorted. I sometimes find it very hard to disapline without laughing as toddlers can be so funny.

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:54

exactly surfer, I think play to their playfulness rather than making things so po-faced all the time. most things can be made into a game or a joke, it's what toddlers do naturally, when they laugh at being told off they are simly showing us how they want their life to be - they are trying to engage us in a game. Stop telling em off and play some games with them, I say!

Of course hitting or whatever needs to be discouraged but as I've said a "NO" and moving on to FUN is sufficient at this age! Makes life a hell of a lot more fun for us too.

tigertum · 08/11/2006 12:07

What fantastic advice sunnysideup! I've never liked seeing people telling of small toddlers with great long sentances because a) They are incapable of understanding until tghey get older and b) It's a shame to chastise them for normal, exporitory toddler behaviour - not being deliberately naughty. We used distraction and don't intervene with DS unless we have to. We do 'swaps' to get things off him that he shouldn't have and just use 'no' when he's trying to stick his hands down the toilet or hitting us! I do have moments when I wonder if we are doing it right so it's reasuring to hear a more experienced mother having had success with a similar approach.

I don't like the idea of the naughty step, wlthough I've seen it work. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll have a chill out step for DS when he gets older. "Going and sit on the chill-out step for a minute and calm down!". Sounds less oppressive and ugly.

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 12:14

tigertum, you sound like you are dealing with your DS with a load of creativity and imagination, good for you!

I feel passionately about how toddler's behaviour is dealt with as so often I see people being heavy about it and it's so possible with MOST children to make their (and our)lives so much more fun!

Certainly I don't set myself up as an expert though, remembering the fraught occasions with my own DS where the sense of humour by-pass occurs

JoshandJamie · 08/11/2006 13:08

My son is not quite 14 months old and he is violent. He's learned it all from having a 2.8 year old brother who has consistenly walloped him since birth (as much as I tried to stop it - but my oldest was 19 months when the little one arrived so was much like all the other violent toddlers on this thread!)

But I've been pulled aside twice by his nursery to say that he's beating up the other kids, despite him being the youngest by miles. And today he pulled another child's hair at a playgroup and even though I ran over and said No very loudly, and moved him away, the other mother yelled NO even louder at him and clutched her child to her and gave me a filthy look, which was nice.

He is a very spirited little boy and I try my best to consistently say NO, to distract and to show him what he can do instead. But nothing. He wants to explore and if that means pulling someone's hair to see what happens, then that's what he's going to do.

Sigh. I hate the 1 - 2.5 year old age group. It is exhausting

Original poster

1becomes3 · 08/11/2006 15:04

thanks for your advice ladies, I wasn't really sure about the whole naughty step thing, I just can't see it working with DD.
You give some very sound advice sunnysideup.
I guess it is just the extra worry that she will damage one of the twins when they come.
(have to stop watching C.S.I putting all these bad thoughts into my head!)

OP posts:

Pollux · 10/11/2006 12:18

I know exactly how you feel! DS is 18 months old and has had quite a few tantrums, and hits me but I've found ignoring him to work the best, then giving him attention as soon as he calms down. When he has been really 'bad' I put him in his cot for a couple of minutes.

I have a 6 month old dd as well and he has been all right with her, so it may not be as bad as you think it will be

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