Extreme challenging behaviour in 4.5 yr old, any advice???

[bumperie]

HI all

I am hoping someone has some advice for us, we are at our wits end :(

Our 4.5 year old daughter has always been a bit of a handful and quirky, but she is getting worse and more aggresive.
I shard childminding for a few hours a week with my neighbour. she has a 3.5yr old girl in the same montesorri.
When my neighbour minds the 2 kids for a couple of hours there are no issues but when I mind them, my daughter is awful to the other little girl. Saying mean things, hitting, pushing etc.
Yesterday she pushed her to the ground and kicked her, in front of her own mother! Luckily the neighbours are reasonable people and can see that we are trying to deal with this, but it's only time before their patience wears thin.
We have cut down the amount of shared childminding and now I think we should stop it altogether.
Its not only this little girl that gets the brunt of it. She does it too to my friends kids of the same age that she used to LOVE playing with! Now she says she hates everyone and wants to play on her own :( It has my heart broken.
She is an angel in monte, the best behaved, she just vents it all when she is with me, but now it is seeping in to in front of other people too.

Other worrying behaviours are:
Telling us she doesn't like people with dark skin (WTF!!)
Being openly rude to complete strangers who say anything to her.
Telling me she hates me.

We have 2 older kids with none of these behaviours, our way to deal with it is to praise the good stuff and ignore what we can of the challenging, but obviously stepping in and disciplining with any of the above. I lost it with her after the kick last night and roared at her, I had had enough :(

I am ringing a behaviour psych next week but thought I'd ask here to see if anyone has had the same problems.

thanks
x

Hi bumperie, that does sound really stressful for you. I agree with you that cutting down on the childcare is probably a good idea. Saying she hates you is probably a general sign of unhappy your DD feels, whatever the reason I can think of two reasons for your DD’s behaviour – one is that for some reason she feels insecure about sharing you, so she’s treating other children and unfamiliar adults badly when you’re there; or - and this is more my own experience with my DS – I am wondering if she has some social/communication issues? My DS was also fine at nursery, a bit temperamental but manageable and sociable. But in less structured settings with kids he didn’t see every day things could go badly wrong. He couldn’t negotiate disagreements with other kids so if there wasn’t an adult to sort things out right away he could get aggressive in seconds.

Children with social-communication problems can find they struggle more as they get a little older and the other children develop different communication strategies that they don’t have. Some children who do want to be sociable can’t manage it any more, and socialising becomes more stressful and painful for them. And if she has social/communication problems then nursery might be about as much socialising with other kids as she can handle just now.

My DS was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome when he was six. Your DD doesn’t sound quite the same as my DS and I’m not saying your DD has Asperger’s, but there are lots of other possible social/communication problems. If that is the kind of problem she has then some specialist help with social/communication skills might be good for her. Good luck with the psychologist

PS Try not to roar at her too much . I roared at my DS a few times but really that was my own anxiety and frustration, and it never did his behaviour any good. Whatever the reason for your DD’s aggression it’s not something she’s doing on purpose if you see what I mean. She’s either really upset and out of control or else she doesn’t know what else to do. With my DS, it was a matter of getting him out of the situation safely, calming everything down, maybe doing a time out and an apology when he was calm (though that wasn’t always possible). And not expecting a quick solution. Social development is a long haul, even without Aspergers’.

Hi bumperie - just seen your thread. I posted a similar thread myself on this board a couple of days ago! I don't have any advice I'm afraid - I've just ordered some positive parenting/attachment play books to see if I can solve our issues this way. I've also ordered some books aimed at preschoolers about emotions and being kind and caring.

You mention contacting a behaviour psych - do you happen do know one? I ask because I was wondering about contacting one myself but I don't know where to start looking.