Excessively clingy toddler - what would you do? HELP ME!

[Givemecaffeine21]

Background - DS 22 months, DD 33 months (11 month gap). DD at nursery some mornings.

DS has always been a very challenging child - he was a high needs baby, nearly broke me, and has been a tough toddler. Basically he is uber clingy but only with me. He goes to our church creche every week with no problems at all for 1 hour, he will go to grandparents / aunty for a morning or afternoon with no problem. He likes other people. Yet at home if I so much as move a foot away he is crying, screaming and generally gives me hell. I play with him, give him one on one, take him out, take him to groups...but our time at home is painful as he won't play with his toys, he just clings to my leg saying 'up, up' and whines incessantly. He screams blue murder if I go to the loo or walk away.

DH is fed up with it (he works from home so sees it first hand) and says DS is trying to control me with his screaming fits. Because DS screaming stresses me out so much, when he's having a screaming fit I don't last long before I intervene. He can go for an hour, from past experience, over something small where we won't give him his own way. I don't give him what he wants as such but I do respond as I get so stressed, so he'll end up getting picked up or cuddled when he's already spent the last hour on my lap and I put him down to get something. Last night he had a 45 minute tantrum because he wanted my dinner, having eaten the bits of his he wanted then shoving his plate away and demanding mine. Obviously we didn't give in.
Today I spent all day with both kids, relentlessly, and at 3.30 I needed a break. Neither nap anymore, much to my despair. I needed to get a minute to myself so I put them in DDs room to play with a snack first so I could grab a cuppa. He basically screamed so long and so loud I gave in. I never got that cuppa. DH thinks I should put in earplugs or play loud music in earphones and just stick to my guns and leave him to blow. I did used to pretty much enforce play alone time with DD and she's really good at it now.

Would you put plugs in and let him blow? He literally spends ALL his time at home with me whining, crying or trying to get up my leg. He wants to me ON me all fecking day and I've had enough, I really bloody have. I am suffocating! I do my bloody best but all that 15 minute of filling their love tank and they'll be happy for a bit doesn't work for him - he never has enough of me ever. I'm not even allowed to pee on my own. He is beyond clingy and I struggle so much as I am a very unclingy unneedy person myself who loves her own space.

HELP ME!

I would struggle with this too. If you can afford it and you think he wouldn't be sad (sounds like he wouldn't from what you've written) could you put him in nursery one session a week to get a breather.

Or could he be tired? Could you try getting him to nap again? I know some kids go through nap refusal at around 18 months and then need one again?

Sorry if none of that's helpful. You sound like a kind and patient mum.

The nap thing ended as from 18-22 months he was habitually up late at night because of it but by 21 months it was every night and I knocked naps on the head. I cut them right down to 30 mins but it made no odds. Sadly this behaviour was WORSE in the nap days and has actually improved since naps ended, weirdly. But he's giving me utter hell all the same.

What would happen if you left the house? If he sees you putting your shoes on and physically leaving, even if just for half an hour while your dh is home maybe he would realise there is no point, and at the very least you would know if he was just doing it to wind you up, it sounds tough!

we had it the other way when I first went back to wrk. Ds wouldn't come anywhere near me and would scream if dh left the room, dh used to give in as he couldn't bear to hear him cry but it didn't help so I put my foot down and told dh he just had to go and slowly ds grew out of it as he realised there was no point.

My 26 m DD was same. She started to go to bed better only couple of weeks ago when we got her new bed without sides, otherwise had to sit in her cot with her until she fell asleep and it took hours. Its only me who can put her to bed, change her nappy, dress her etc otherwise she'll scream and scream and she always wants our dinner etc. With dinner we give the same plate we got and let her choose what she wants, it is hard put there must be a reason she feel that way. What we have done is let her get on with it without saying no and it has been getting better lately. Our theory is that she has got some in securities and if we try to make her feel safe and secure she'll grow out of it. I must say its not so easy these days as i got 3 month old baby now but they must grow out of it sooner or later. Everything has a reason, he might see bad dreams about mummy being taken away or has an ache somewhere, or at least thats my theory, we must need to be patient.

Several times during your post you said that 'You gave up'. Therefore, you are unintentionally encouraging his behaviour. Your ds has learnt that by screaming and shouting he gets what he wants. You need to set some boundaries and to stick by them. Perhaps use 'a naughty step/chair'.

The book Toddler Taming is very good for this situation.

(Sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not meant to be)

Tbh rivercam I think you're right and I'm trying to establish that which is why I posted - it seems you guys think I need to get a bit tougher and I am down with that, I just wanted to see if anyone thought anything different. I am actually a really boundary driven mum but because the screaming actually drives me a little bit crazy (I have felt so angry at times!) I sort of give in to keep my blood pressure down! He has this scream that DH and I both cannot tolerate - when he was a baby we used to say we could see how some parents snap and hit or shake their babies as we used to have to tag team and wear ear plugs to cope. We both found it so hard and DH is waaaay more patient than me but even he got really stressed by the constant intense screaming. He's our second child and DD was not like this so he was a shock.

its not easy having children, is it?!

Nope. Thank goodness for !

Hello, your little one sounds a bit like my DD at the same age. Tougher boundaries did not work with her (and believe me, I give good boundaries!). She had no limit to how long she could scream for. Sadly for us, many of her tantrums were at night, lasting up to 2 hours or more, which nearly killed us all. The constant screaming and fighting was unbearable, and seemingly without cause.

I digress. The only thing that helped us was calm, constant reinforcement and the passage of time. Make sure you get good breaks. Ask your DH to step in for 15 mins a couple of times a day and go for a walk round the block (or go and sit on the garden wall where she can't see you and read a book!). If your DH works from home he should be able to fit a couple of breaks in.

When our DD got a bit bigger, it all stopped. Now, she is the loveliest child I ever knew. It will end, and I really do sympathise.

Oh golly birds that sounds horrific! Day time is one thing but at night?! He does wake at night and did have a few screaming fits but I started putting him in time out in the night for 1 min in the bathroom...it seemed to snap him out of it being marched to the bathroom and out on time out for 1 min until the buzzer went. It made the point and then I would march him back to bed and sternly tell him it was no ok - this esp worked for bedtime tantrums.

I think you are right in as much as he will grow up a bit and grow out of it. It's just been a real slog with him since day one and we often wonder when it will end! One battle ends and another begins. He's such a treasure when he's not being like this with me and everyone else adores him and never see this side, I get complimented regularly on his behaviour in creche etc...it's so true that they give their parents the roughest ride and I am really pleased that he's angelic for other people.

Level 9 clinger here, @Givemecaffeine21 how long did it last? Anything you did help? Please give me hope, I can't leave the room - toddler is 23 months and it started 4 months ago, before then he was anyone's. I feel very loved but it's suffocating....

My 2 1/2 is the same @mia2201 . My eldest was the same too and she just grew out of it eventually around age 4 or 5. Only 2 1/2 years to go haha!

I hope it doesn't last as mine is still so clingy at 10! Always comes in my bed during the night follows me to the toilet, hates going to anyone else even her dads if I go out which is rare, it gets very exhausting 🥺