Advice please re dd (7), best friends, new friends, my friend, feeling so torn and lost....

[bramblina]

Long story (explanation) I suppose...
We live remotely, 20 children in dd's class, composite, 3 years, so not may friends to choose from. Through nursery, she and her friend Mary were thick as thieves, the only girls in a year group, and her Mum became and still is one of my best friends. My dd, Alice (now 7), only wanted to play with Mary (now 6.5) and if she was off, Alice would play alone rather than with the much younger girls. I was told this is not healthy and she needs a broader circle of friends, so she began school a little early and did mix a little more. Mary has always gone to lots of clubs/daycare and has a good few friends in different groups. She has no siblings whereas I have another child.

Now in 3rd year, another girl, Claire, arrived to the area and shares transport with Alice, so they spend a lot of time together. Claire came from the city, is a year older, and tbh Alice is a lot more like her and is certainly attracted to her cheeky attitude and they play much more grown up games whereas Mary likes to play teddies etc with Jane who is younger again.
Tonight Mary's Mum has called me to say that Mary broke down after school tonight and does not want to come to play because although Alice will play with her when they at Mary's house, she does not play with her at school and she feels left out....particularly since Claire's arrival. Much further discussion enlightened me with the fact that Mary had actually received a row which initially upset her but the long and the short of it was that Alice is leaving her out in favour of Claire.
Now, I am struggling a bit with Claire because yes, since her arrival, Alice has been in a little more trouble and is a little more cheeky, something I cannot control nor the time they spend together, but I am trying hard to enforce good manners, positive behaviour and generally being nice. I have to be honest and say had she not arrived none of this would have happened and while I don't and can't blame Claire, she is the catalyst.
Mary is quite precious, does no wrong, is such a wonderful girl, and as soon as anyone upsets her the responsibility does seem to land at the offender's door.
Other than emphasize that Mary has been a good friend, what else can I do? Alice has chosen to play more with others because they are much more similar, and Mary does have other friends which are not Alice's friends so they have drifted, and while I would rather Alice & Mary stayed best buddies (Mary is not naughty, she's not a bad influence) I cannot force them. While I do not like Claire's influence, I can't stop her playing with Alice.
I'm upset tonight as my friend has basically called me to say my daughter is leaving her daughter out, because of another girl, and her daughter is upset about it as they used to be best friends.
What am I supposed to do? I have absolutely no idea. I am struggling. Really struggling.

I need to hear many opinions, esp those of people who have had 7 yr old girls and have come out the other side,

Thank you.

Names have been changed, obvs.

Very typical behaviour for girls this age! My advise is comfort and support your daughter, butt out, don't get involved esp with other mums and it will all pass.
If you interfere or get involved in all of this what you will find is that the mums all fall out and the girls remain friends

All of the children involved in this will emotionally develop better is the are allowed to resolve this issue for themselves. Parents wading in to solve minor friendship issues in this way is developmentally stunting the girl (Mary).

My best friend and I both have girls the same age. They have been very good friends from birth (now aged 10). But at about 6 or 7 years old our girls discovered that they didn't get on very well. Play dates stopped being fun.

It was hard for my friend and I. I thought my friend was being precious about it and refused to allow my daughter to take the blame for what was six-of-one-and-half-a-dozen-of-the-other.

How did we deal with it? I made a point of making dates to see my friend without the children. Arranged our coffees during school times rather than weekends or afterschool. I separated our friendship and that of our children. For a time they didn't play together at all. We agreed that they were falling out a lot and needed a break from each other.

Fast forward 3 or 4 years and my best friend and I are still best friends. Our girls now get on well when together but they are not best friends. They just are not and were never suited to each others personalities. That is fine, we all accept that. They still meet up, but don't live in each others pockets as they used to. None of this stops me and the other Mum being good friends though.

What am I supposed to do?

Nothing dramatic.

Talk to your daughter about being kind, not leaving people out and including everyone. Mention no names. Emphasise that kindness is reciprocated and is good manners. That you can be friends with lots of people.

Then just leave her to it. Don't tell her what to do or what not to do.

Thank you both very, very much.

FATE, what did your friend think of the falling out phase? I think I am struggling with it as I feel a loyalty to my friend and I know she wants our girls to be as they were. (I want to butt out, but have to admit I don't like the friendships she is replacing the original with simply because Claire is not as desirable, I must be honest. It is with Claire that my daughter gets in trouble, this would never happen with Mary. I do of course accept my daughter is responsible for her own behaviour! I am just trying to highlight the influences Alice could be under, I'd change if I could.) Whereas, Mary's Mum, my very close friend is quite different to me, eg she tells Mary which foods not to have as she "won't like them", rather than just let her try things, she has Mary at a club/group 4 week nights plus 2 on a weekend- I'm not saying Mary doesn't want to go but Mum certainly pushes everything going. And when Mary doesn't want to go one week, they just cancel last minute, Mary certainly calls the shots there. She gets to choose her own dinners, which night to have a bath etc, she's very precious. I would rather dd tries foods if she wants to etc, has swimming lessons and one other club, commits to it and that's that, has a bath when I tell her to, and if her friend upsets her- I explain she should tell her friend what she's done that upset her and deal with it. It happened in nursery, Mary's Mum went to the teacher to have it dealt with whereas I just left the girls to get on with it, I think they'll learn better that way. I think I wish my friend had the same opinion as me and because she doesn't, I feel very torn.

I'm not sure what you are torn about? You and your friend parent differently. That should not be a problem.

You will think your way of parenting is right and so by inference her way, any other way, is slightly wrong.

She will think her way of parenting is right and so by inference you way, and any other way, is slightly wrong.

You do not need to persuade her to your way of thinking. You do not need to discuss or encourage her to be less precious, encourage commitment, allow her daughter more independent thought. She is like that and it is your friends opinion that her way of parenting Mary is the right way. She will probably have many minor criticisms of your parenting of Alice, just as you do of her parenting.

Don't allow her to make you feel your parenting is wrong for Alice. Plus you shouldn't consider that you can change her parenting style. Just accept she is precious with her daughter and "protect" your own daughter from that as needed.

I would arrange a coffee with your friend (without the children) and have a barrage of other subjects ready to talk about. Briefly mention the elephant in the room: Sorry Mary is feeling left out at school. I have talked to Alice about being kind and including everyone. Now I'd like to let the girls sort it out for themselves. So, what name do you think the Royal baby will be given... ??

Thank you very much for your advice, this is the sort of thing I am looking for.

I feel torn because I want to support my friend as I would if she had an issue- and I also would like to turn to her because I have an issue but it's with each other so I don't know what to do. Dh has said I just need to go and talk to her. This is the 3rd time she has had an issue with Alice and come to me but when I have an issue with something similar Mary has done, I just let the girls get on with it, Alice survives, and is quite strong because of it, and of course Mary isn't because Mum deals with it for her. I have other children to consider and they cannot be at the forefront of my mind all the time, they sometimes need to work stuff out. Mary has no siblings and so Mum is there, always there.

Yes you're right we do parent very differently but I wouldn't dream of having an opinion as that's just they way it is, I do feel though that while she hasn't said anything, she believes Mary would never behave this way and so she can really frown upon the behaviour.

I suppose I want to say to her, you know, Mary has upset Alice before but I didn't come to you because they can do it themselves. My friend has said that Mary is mostly upset because while Alice will play out of school with Mary, when they are in school she favours Claire and Mary feels left out.

I think I'm frightened of my friend just not accepting that this is OK and the girls will sort it out because I know she is upset for Mary. It really isn't a big deal, I think I am scared that she thinks it's fixable and I don't see that it is. She did say that she agrees when I say I don't know what to do because there is nothing we can do but I feel she is holding Alice responsible for Mary being so upset.

Is there anything you can add? I can't seem to "get over it" today and don't think I will until go to see her. I might have to go tomorrow afternoon before I collect the children from school. It's up to me, isn't it? I chatted with Alice this morning and she got a little upset and from what I can gather it can be just the same for her, various incidents were mentioned, she can apparently deal with them better I suppose because I hadn't heard about them before this morning.

I appreciate your help.