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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Daughter

9 replies

petem484 · 28/04/2015 01:56

Today I slapped my daughter in the face. I feel absolutely terrible. She is 17. I am a single parent and her mother is not in the picture at all. She didin't deserve it. I used to know exactly what to do as a parent and now I find my self not knowing anything anymore. I want so much for her to be a success and go to university as I didn't and I struggle to make ends meet. I see her making the wrong decisions over and over again and I don't know how to make her do what's right. I talk and talk and talk and she still continues to do the exact things that will lead to her ruin. And now I have become indecisive as a parent doubting my ability and after this incident I will continue to retreat as I feel I am making a terrible home environment for her. I know I will overcompensate by letting her do as she pleases as I am afraid that I will get all worked up again and fly off the handle which is something I cannot allow to happen. This is a low.

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ppeatfruit · 28/04/2015 12:39

OOOh how The thing is it's HER life, if she doesn't want to go to uni or wherever then that's her decision. If you back off a bit and just sit down with her and have an adult discussion with her (explain why you're upset and apologise because you won't improve things with violence) but also suggest that you'll support her in HER decisions.

The teenage years are not easy if you try and remember how YOU felt it may help you to understand her feelings. Good luck.

gamerchick · 28/04/2015 12:43

You slapped her because she won't do the further education thing and wants to go her own way?

ppeatfruit · 28/04/2015 12:47

I know where you're coming from because dh and I worried sick about our G&T ds who refused school completely from age 13 (he had been chucked out of private school) we H.E him with a p[t tutor, he just learned all the subjects he loved.(The inspector said he knew more than any child at school) and said he'd do his exams when he wanted to, which has happened to an extent, but he struggles because he didn't go to uni though HE made the decisions for himself.

We have helped him, we still do,he's a musician who works very hard at what he loves and he's not gone off the rails with drink and drugs or anything.

CultureSucksDownWords · 28/04/2015 14:30

You absolutely can't make her do anything. The best thing you can do at the moment is to talk to her, without judging or blaming and let her express herself.

Not going to university at 18 isn't an automatic route to life failure. Does she have other ideas, or does she just not want to go to uni? Can you talk to her about what she might like I do instead? Getting a job is not the end of the world - many people work their way up from a starter job.

Micah · 28/04/2015 14:35

My mother pushed me into uni as she saw it as the only way to be successful in life.

It's not. Had I gone the route I wanted I'd be far better off now, the industry has exploded and there's a great living to be had.

Even if she does want to go to uni, it won't ruin her if she takes a few years to get her head together, do an access course, and get on the right course. I picked any old one as I didn't know what I wanted to do, and it turned out to be a dead end.

Apologise, explain your frustrations, and tell her you'll support whatever decision.

ppeatfruit · 28/04/2015 14:51

A great many highly successful people didn't go to school let alone university, it's not for everyone FGS open your mind up a bit.

Original poster

petem484 · 29/04/2015 04:58

Thanks to one and all for your input. Having read the responses I did take a step back and thought about the situation. There is definitely more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak. I did apologize and we talked about the situation and as so many have posted in their replies it is her life and her decision to make. Sometimes it is so hard to let your children lead their lives when you have put so much time and effort into raising them as best you can always with a goal in mind. But it is her life, not mine. Mostly I have realized that if I am so wrapped up in my daughter's decision making that I am willing to completely do something as irrational as what occurred then I am absolutely too involved and need to give her and myself some space for her to grow and for me to let her grow. An instance such as this can never happen again. I don't want my daughter to hate me our relationship is more important than anything else. Again I thank everyone for their input and advice it really did light the way and help me sort things out.

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ppeatfruit · 29/04/2015 10:13

petem It's lovely to hear from someone who is willing to think about their life and responses to what they deem as being negativities!

You may well be surprised by your DD's reaction !! Congratulations and good luck to you both

LittleLionMansMummy · 29/04/2015 13:02

Give yourself a break petem, you care enough to know it was wrong and adapt/ change as well as apologise to your daughter.

There must be something she's either really good at or just really enjoys. I would concentrate on giving her as much support on her chosen path as possible, even if it differs from your own ideas. I personally don't care what my ds does as long as it doesn't hurt him or other people and makes him happy.

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