4yr old dd1 bit me tonight

[milkjetmum]

Dd1 has since terrible 2s has a melt down every few months, usually tiredness or hunger triggers a prolonged tantrum (30min+). Otherwise a bright and happy girl, no behavior issues at nursery, she is a 'good girl'.

Over the last 10 days these melt downs have been happening every other day. Nothing we do seems to calm her down, if we try toask she wants she just comes up with an endless list of new demands. Offers of hugs are pushed away. She says provocative things (I wish I would die, I hate everyone/everything) which we don't rise to as it seems clear she wants a reaction. Tonight's episode started when she woke up around midnight after a good bedtime. Culminated in the biting.

So does it sound like panic/anxiety we should offer comfort and reassurance to? Or just straight bad behavior we should punish? Dh and I arent sure. I'm leaning towards a tough love controlled crying-esq approach but then I waver when she says things like 'I hate my brain, I can't control myself' with headbutting/hitting herself. I don't want to punish her for having emotions ifswim? Or is she just pushing my buttons?

I think both panic / anxiety and bad behaviour need the same approach, which is trying to build your connection with her, rather than closing it down.

There are some ideas here that might offer a fresh approach www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/play-child-emotional-intelligence (and I think the website more broadly is great). What do you think?

Thanks I will give that a good read, some things I saw on there at a quick glance I have tried like using toys to find out what's worrying her, but today I will also try to be aware of her feelings and encourage her to let them out in games.

She is sorry this morning and we have kept 'punishment' reasonable (I think), tidy her room (she trashed it last night) and no kids tv today.

The thing I find hardest is that she seems to get into a frenzy, it's very hard to watch but nothing we do seems to break the cycle it just has to run its course of shouting, flailing, and last night scratching and biting. Tried ignoring, cuddling, talking, telling off, distraction techniques over last few episodes and none seems to have been effective yet. I also think we are a bit held hostage to the fear she will wake up dd2 (14 months), but we decided last night we shouldn't let that determine how we handle her, but it ishard not to be frustrated when she wakes her sister up in the night.

It does sound very hard, OP, when my 2yo is in a frenzy I find it really hard to keep steady myself.

From your last paragraph: Tried ignoring, cuddling, talking, telling off, distraction techniques over last few episodes - while I understand (and do exactly the same, desperate to stop the histrionics before I go nuts myself), I wonder if all the switching tacks isn't just overwhelming and confusing for her. Calm and consistent with one or two methods might be easier for all of you?

I wonder too if asking what she wants is overwhelming her, because she needs to feel safe / certain / that someone else is in charge.

Does she get on with her wee sister? do you think what you acknowledge about parenting DD1 sort of in defence of DD2 has been a factor in other parts of your lives? Am not trying t imply you've gone horribly wrong somewhere, just unpick how she feels a bit.

Thanks rootypig. Yesterday and last night was calm thank goodness so mental batteries are recharged a little. DD1 came into our bed for the night and slept through (we have no problem with co-sleeping) and that was quite nice for everyone really after all the tension the night before.

I agree that asking her what is wrong in the middle of a tantrum is too much for her to cope with, I will stop doing that (she just gives wildly inconsistent demands anyway when I ask so I will just let her talk and offer comfort/reassurance).

On gentle probing during a calm period in the day she mentioned being cross about noise in the night so we have closed her window (I had left it open on the latch now weather is nicer). You are right that this bad patch has co-incided with some fresh jealousy of dd2. I am also working a lot of hours at the moment so that probably isn't helping either. I will make a concious effort to have some special dd1 time each day (we did some colouring in together instead of one of her bedtime stories yesterday and she really enjoyed that) - as she gets older it is easy to slip into lazy easy routines and the habit of leaving her to her own devices I suppose.

Another possibility is a growth spurt - she has been clumsy and hungry the last few days - although that could also be tiredness from the broken sleep I suppose (she had a daytime nap yesterday after the night before's antics).

But all quiet in the house for now...

You're such a kind and thoughtful parent. I have had a rough day with DD biting. Not me, but a few other people. Ugh, I lost it.

Keep on keeping on.