Rudeness or Shyness? What's reasonable at 3.5?

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

I can't tell if I'm being unrealistic here or not.

Have BG DTs, 3.5yo. Both super chatty when they want to be, but at home they don't always listen, so don' always answer if I ask them a question.

DS has possible hearing issues and mild speech delay, but it's all being monitored/assessed, and he's quite capable of a super detailed conversation about steam engine pistons, so he can chat fluently and listen to detailed info when he wants to (he just struggles with clarity of pronunciation sometimes).

But when we are with other adults they clam up massively, often don't answer simple questions, and lose their manners unless I RAM it home ("What do you say? Thank You!"). Even 'Would you like an ice-cream?" didn't get an answer to one of my mum friends yesterday.

Today on our way back to pre-school after a long break I chatted to them in the car about how they should say a nice big GOOD MORNING to their lovely teachers who they hadn't seen for so long. I hid and watched while they ran into the playground where all the other kids and teachers were, saw the - lovely and super approachable - teacher call over to them to say hello, saw DD shoot her a bit of a funny look, neither of them say anything in return, and both run off to play.

It feels SO rude, and I hate rudeness, but I don't know if I'm expecting too much. I'm on the shy side, but I don't think I go round ignoring people or blanking them!

Ds a little older at 4.5 is like it

Even this morning we joked at the preschool that he has only ever said hello or goodbye once or twice in the year he has been there

Me and dh are very confident chatty people so I always thought ds would be but no he is incredibly shy

At home I literally cannot shut him up!

It's possibly anxiety rather than rudeness, the playground first thing in the morning can be a bit overwhelming, as can adults asking questions generally.

Taking the pressure off might be better - get them to practice hello/goodbye in low stress situations, model good manners (which you are probably already doing), and don't make a big deal of any lack of speech.

Rudeness and shyness are completely different behaviours. Your children are shy/anxious about speaking and putting pressure on them to speak will just make it harder for them.

Stop worrying about people judging you and your children and let them be themselves. As they mature and grow in confidence, they will be able to speak more. Anything you do to try to hurry that up is likely to delay that process.

DD is a similar age and can do this. I never know how she's going to react. Today, for example, she had a long conversation with the woman in the charity shop about the book she was buying and was as chatty and as sociable as anything. Then she happily interacted with other mums and childminders at soft play. But then in the supermarket she completely clammed up and refused to even look at the old lady who was trying to talk to her.

She's got a funny thing about context to - if we see her much loved CM in a random place like a shop, she clams up and won't interact at all. Now that's awkward

I wouldn't worry, it doesn't sound anything out of the ordinary. Just encourage them to say hello and goodbye but don't put the pressure on at this age.

Thurlow EXACTLY the same!

When leaving a soft play party I reminded them to say thank you and DS gave the loveliest, sunniest, smiliest "GOod Bye Abbie!" to the host mum.

Then when they saw one of their lovely TAs on the train in Easter holidays they refused to speak to her.

I know it comes across as I'm putting massive pressure on, I'm not in context, it's just here I'm listing how we handle different situatoisn. So at home if someone forgets please and thank you they get reminded, at a freinds house they also get reminded. And the big about saying hello to your teacher in the car this morning was in the context of talking all about the fun things they've done in the holidays. I'm not on their case all the time, it's just been very noticeable that as they increase in other aspects of their speech and confidence.

Sorry, the tone of my post was unintentional.

I don't think it does any harm to have expectations of what they say, especially at home to prompting please and thank you at home is perfectly appropriate as they are confident to speak there.

I also think it's fine to prompt when you're out and about because they still need to learn what it is appropriate to say to whom, when. However, I would accept them feeling unable to speak and not repeat the prompt or push it in any way.

Has the pre-school teacher any concerns about how much they speak durint the sessions? It may be that they chat away quite happily after they've completed the transition into pre-school and feel more relaxed.

I think children of any age feel at a disadvantage when they meet someone they do know, but in a different context. Because a teacher or TA is normally seen in school, some children can't cope if they see them in a shop or in the street.

Just lay off them, and don't constantly tell them how to behave and what to say.

Indeed, young children do not even realise that teachers have homes to go to after school. Teacher is there when a child comes in in the morning, and she is always there when the child departs at the end of the afternoon. THEREFORE teacher MUST have been in the classroom all night!

[Sorry teachers: I know it often does feel like that.]