Advice please! 3 year old Boy behaviour

[Sunbeam40]

Hi all, I have a very lively 3 year old boy as well as two teenagers. His third birthday was last month. He's always been very boisterous and pushy and dominant with other children but just recently this behaviour has become relentless when trying to socialise with other toddlers, today he threw a rock at one of his friends heads and a nice day by the river was cut short because it doesn't feel like fun for anyone when we try to hang out with other mamas and toddlers. Not fun for my Ds, not fun for the other children or mamas either. And I can see I'm getting to a stage where we are going to get even more isolated. And then I tell myself.... This too shall pass... Etc. as I know these phases do, having been through lots of different phases with my 14 and 17 year old.
However, I'm feeling lonely and isolated with this behaviour so here are the things I've tried. We have been to a Steiner parent and child group for two years where everything is explained and children told that their hands are for work and play and that rocks are hard and they hurt etc. however recently I have been getting more stressed as the behaviour has increased in frequency and severity and suddenly 'gentle hands gentle hands' just seems like I'm not doing enough. Leaving places when he exhibits aggressive behaviour and telling him why we are leaving seems better but I don't even know if he can connect with consequences at 3? I want to do the right thing, I also don't want to do something that drags this phase out any longer than it needs to be.
And tomorrow Ds is due to start preschool. I'm not sure if he's going to be able to cope with lots of toddlers in one place but I'm going to see how he gets on.
Any advice, stories etc would be really helpful. Sometimes I don't know if I'm responding/reacting in the wrong way out of an over concern of what others think about my parenting, and feeling that this behaviour is a reflection of a parenting flaw. It's a minefield!

How is his speech - can he communicate what he wants without getting frustrated?

Was the rock throwing just out of the blue, or was there a sequence of behaviour leading up to it?

His speech is great, amazing vocabulary and communication. There was no indicators at all. He is throwing everything at the moment, in the house as well. He wasn't tired or hungry, he was perfectly happy, he'd been running around for a minute or two and found a rock and was running towards us happy and smiley I would never have predicted he would throw it at his friend. He gets so much one on one time as ?ell, we do not have screens at home so there's lots of playing etc. and he loves his friends and when we are outdoors it's usually easier.. Big sigh.

My DS went through a hitting stage when he was 2, so I feel your pain. I would say that at age 3 he is definitely old enough to understand consequences and 'gentle hands' is no longer a sufficient response if he deliberately hurts another child. With my DS, I found that the only thing that worked was to give him ONE warning and then, if it happened again after the warning, to leave immediately. So I agree with your tactic of leaving the river today.

But don't let it stop you socialising with him again. This too will pass! My DS is now 5 and is a (relatively!) gentle well behaved boy. I honestly wouldn't have believed it if you'd have told me that when he was 2!

Sounds like you need to get tough, lady! When he does things like this, get down to his level, eye contact, loud firm voice 'No! We do not throw! Say sorry right now!' Make him say sorry and mean it. Be calm but very very firm and he'll soon get the message. This is obviously assuming there are no underlying behavioural or understanding issues. I like the Steiner philosophies et al in principal but honestly? In real life the way to curb behaviour like this is to be absolutely clear that you're not willing to put up with it.

If his speech and understanding are good, then you could try the leaving approach if he misbehaves. I would spend a reasonable amount of time explaining what will happen before you go out, and then whilst you're there. Remind him what good behaviours you'd like to see, don't just concentrate on talking about the negative stuff. Try and praise any good/gentle behaviour, even if it's very small. Make sure you're giving him your full attention when he's behaving well.

ThAnks so so much for you responses. Yes I think I need to do much more preparation before we go out and stay totally present, thanks culture! I really resonate with your response, this was just what I needed! Thanks tumble, I think that clarity and consistency is the key, and presence. And it will pass. Thank you xx

I have a lively 2.9 yr old so I'm right in the middle of all of this too, so you're definitely not alone!