Child saying racist word - advice needed

[Janet30]

Hi all,

first of all I would like to say this is a very sensitive subject, I am very ashamed that I am asking for this advice but I really do not know how to deal with this. And I also apologies for any offense given.

It all started last week when shopping with my 2 year old. She came out with a racist word and pointed to an Asian lady. At first I thought I must be mistaken, but she did it again to someone else later that day. The first thing I did was confront my ex husband, as I have never used such language in my life. He said that he does not use racist language around our child, but I am pretty sure it must be him and his friends she has picked it up from.

I really do not know how to deal with this, I am so ashamed and I am frightened to take my daughter out in case she says it. She has said this word about 5 times in the last week. I have told her she must not say this word but I am worried it will make her want to say it even more.

Please can anyone give me advice on how to deal with this situation as I am worried I will make it worse.

Many thanks in advance.

What did she actually say?

Paki - and pointed.

Well she's picked it up from someone and could've been a complete stranger she overheard saying it. I know it's not nice to hear from anyone let alone a child but don't stress she's not about to join the KKK.

So if she says it again then I say 'yes you are right, she is pretty isn't she?' and reinforce the word pretty? or if it is man she says it to, comment on his pretty shoes or something?

This is really great advice and I shall do this. I am just so scared that others may get the wrong idea and also what she might be picking up off my ex husband as I know he uses choice language at times. I have discussed this with him but he just shuns it off and says its not him.

Thanks again for the reply.

Tbh it's hard as your dd is so little - i know with my 4yo that he understands the concept of different countries, languages etc so would probably say "yes, she might come from Pakistan - which is a country like France or Spain - but she might also be English. Paki is not a nice word though and that might upset her if she heard you. Pakistani is ok." At 2, i might just keep it simple "yes, she might be from Pakistan" (i.e. correct with the right terminology just as you might correct a child who uses slightly the wrong word for something).

I apologise I do not know what dd means. I am new on this website.

Many thanks, Janet

dd - dear daughter

If she is saying that word, you just tell her no, we don't use that word & keep saying it until she stops saying it. Apologising if anyone hears!

To her, she isn't saying a racist word, just a word, it has no meaning to her as an offensive word.

I wouldn't mix it up with the word pretty because she might think it MEANS pretty & will be fairly confusing for her.

I am worried that if I say no, it might make her say it more because she can be quite naughty at times, often bringing me to tears. Often when I tell her not to do something she does it anyway and giggles. It makes me think what a terrible mother I am, I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

She is 2, yes? By doing what you tell her not to, she is testing boundaries. Seeing if you really mean it...so you have to keep reinforcing it.

I always pretend that I don't know what the word is - like if my DS was to say 'shit' I'd say, shot? What do you mean shot? And he'll then say 'no 'shit' - and I'll say 'shut?' why shut? Then he'll say it again, and I"ll just say 'sorry darling, I don't know that word. I don't know what that means' and shake my head in a puzzled way and look all confused.

Our nursery teacher taught me that and it really works well. If you highlight it as a bad word - the temptation is to say it again - the reaction is too fun/interesting to resist!

So you could say 'pretty'? Yes she is pretty, what a lovely thing to say!' And if she says no, paki - say 'oh? I don't know that word, sorry' and just ignore. But she is pretty!

I would say come on a 2 year old??? just correct her by saying as the above poster has said.

At 2 she should be old enough to understand it's not a word that is used.

You can tackle it by, as previous posters have said, 'correcting her' and pretending she is saying pretty and every time she points and says it pick out something and talk about how pretty it is.

Or show such abhorrent disgust that she won't want to say it but that seems far more embarrassing at the time and also more of a long game.

And if she is using it only when she sees a Pakistani and pointing then she has heard it said in context in public on many occasions. If your ex is a user of racist terms then you already know this is highly likely where she learned it.

My experience is that they understand that some words shouldn't be used from very young. Not that I use that one but the dds frequently lecture me about my language .