In tears over DS behaviour

[Givenotake]

I've just had an awful incident at nursery. DS (3) lashed out at another boy and grabbed and scratched him really aggressively. His mum was understandably really pissed off and a little later told me she'd asked her DS if mine had done it before and he said yes. She wasn't unreasonable about it but said she would be speaking to the staff.

DS has such a temper, he's not usually aggressive in this way and seems to have lots of friends, teachers say they never tell him off, but I'm worried this is the start of something and I desperately want to do the right thing to nip this in the bud. In the past few days I have noticed him being a bit mean to other children, like deliberately blocking their path for no reason. I realise this isn't that big a deal but it's spiteful things like this. He also has been having more and more temper issues recently and I am finding myself making constant excuses and realising that actually most other children don't behave like this as much.

In a way I feel for him as I had a terrible temper when young and I know the intense feeling of frustration and how awful it is but I of course so want to to teach him that hurting other children is just so wrong.

Up until now I feel like I've been doing ok at parenting. DS has been really tricky but I think I've been good at being calm and consistent etc. not perfect obviously. I am totally out of my depth here and terrified DS is turning into a bully.

Any advice on how to handle when something like this happens?

He seems so happy at the nursery and has been there a while. I don't know what I'd do if we had to change. But maybe I should look into it.

He could be tired as he doesn't sleep well. He does often complain of being tired lately but he used to sleep much worse but seem to be able to handle a lot more. He slept really well last night though. I find myself putting his behaviour down to tiredness quite a lot lately and I think I'm maybe just making excuses.

He eats fine so don't think its blood sugar.

Oh and he does three days at nursery.

He's always had excellent speech and is pretty confident and social so I suppose I don't have concerns that there's a deeper problem if that's what you mean. Then again, his temper is quite extraordinary and he clearly finds it very difficult to deal with so maybe I'm wrong. He also seems incredibly tired lately.

His behaviour at home is incredibly mixed. He can be incredibly fun and happy and also very very loving, but that can switch in an instant to losing the plot (bit of Lego won't fit the way he wants etc).

There's been no change in routine other than that it has been holidays.

How should I react in the immediate? I'm trying to be very calm and not shout etc but then I'm worried that doesn't relay the gravity of the situation to him and also indicates to the 'victim' parent that I'm not taking it seriously enough. I don't know if he's old enough for sanctions etc. I don't really know what I would threaten to take away that would get through to him. i have used time outs to good effect in the past but I can't do those when we are out.

I can handle him being grumpy
Etc at home but I just desperately don't want him to isolate himself by being unkind to other children. He and I both have a lot of friends in the community and that is a massive life line for me (history of depression etc). I think I would become unhappy very quickly if we stopped being able to meet up with friends a lot.

I will also add that the other lad saying your ds had done it before doesn't mean that he has.
I've had conversations with my pretty truthful dc at that age where they have said "X does it all the time" upon investigation it was they did it once and they thought they might have once before done it to Y.
And I'll never forget the time dd2 told me about a dreadful thing done in her class by a particular lad... which it couldn't have been done as he was in A&E all day - where I was too. When challenged she looked bemused then said "oh actually it was a different person, but he might have done it if he'd been there".

I feel for you - I felt exactly the same a few weeks ago. So I think this stage is quite common. But due to the 'tired all the time' I did get a blood test done. Came out normal but it was good to check. I also met up with carers at nursery to work out a strategy as my son was also frustrated due to lack of free play. His bad behaviour coincided with moving to the preschool room and getting his new baby brother. He seems betternow - after 2 months of horribleness. I also made sure I spent more one on one time with him (rather than constantly holding baby). Bug hug. U r a good mummy x

Thanks everyone yes do wonder the truth in that, my DS often pointlessly says yes or no to things 'did you do paining today' 'no' (holding a still wet painting with his name on it).

Tips on how to react? Am trying to just talk to him about it in a measured way outside of the situation. But should I be making clear punishments? I'm not sure he'd respond to taking things away etc.

You need to get to the bottom of this behaviour.

Is he eating something that is making him tired and sleep badly? Does he eat a lot of dairy products? Or wheat?

Try him on fresher foods, without refined carbs and dairy and see how he is.
How much water does he drink?

Also I think you need to get him a rage mat, where he can have a safe space to have a temper tantrum, like a particular bath mat down on the floor where he can jump and shout from. You get one for yourself as well, so you can jump and have tempers together (it's not as scary then). Get him a special pillow he can beat up.
These are then the only things he's allowed to be in a rage on and beat up. He'll have to wait at nursery till he comes home and then if he needs to get on the mat, on the mat he goes. Ask the nursery workers to remind him, he has a special mat at home for his angry dance, and he's not to do it in nursery.

In a calm moment you need to have a chat:
I'm noticing that when you're at nursery you aren't kind to the other children and I'm wondering about that. Tell me what's going on, use paper and colouring so he can draw himself and the others.
Then ask him how he'd feel if someone did what he does to him. Would he like it?

Write up some ruleswith hom about how he likes to be treated, and how you and he treat each other- like "no shouting at each other in our home".
Put the rules somewhere in view, and just point to them when there's a breach.

Remind him that anger is only one of many emotions and that sometimes just saying "I feel angry" is enough. He doesn't have to go all the way down into cascades of rage and lose himself for it to be real enough for him to feel satisfied he's expressed it.

I would talk to nursery first.
If he does it in front of you, then make it clear you find that behaviour unacceptable.
Try to get him to talk about how he feels - discuss anger, and alternatives to hitting.

But if its unusual for him I would wonder if someone has been violent to him.

If one of mine had attacked someone going into to nursery - I would have taken them away (around a corner or somewhere a little more private and calm), and had some time-out to calm down. Had a little nag and then gone in, mentioning it to the staff on the way in.

If it had happened during the day, I'd have asked them about it and re-enforced "hitting is wrong" and "go and tell a teacher".

If it had happened on the way out, I would have quickly apologised and removed them swiftly.

If he really is tired all the time, I would take him to the GP.

I think it's unlikely that food is the problem. In any case he has five meals a week at nursery and I don't think I can ask them to cut out refined carbs.

He could do with more water. He drinks a lot at home but at nursery, while available if they want it throughout the day they are only encouraged to drink at meal times.

It is unusual for him in that he isn't usually violent but I'm not surprised about it IYSWIM. He is very wilful, strong character, short tempered, likes his own way etc.

I will talk to nursery today.

I'm not sure why the staff aren't disciplining his behaviour at nursery, I think they should have something in place. My husbands nephew who is nearly four is aggressive to both his parents and children at his pre-school, but he's under-going a diagnosis for Autism, he still has no speech and I think he shows his frustration through physical contact, as he doesn't have the communication. If your son's speech is fine and he doesn't have any other delays, I think consistently at nursery and both at home will help. Even though my husbands nephew has Autism his nursery still use appropriate discipline, which I think is making a slight difference. I hope things get better for you!

My guess is that this doesn't happen at nursery. I'd imagine they have good systems in place. At parents evening the other day his teacher told me he was the nicest boy she'd ever had in twenty years and she has never once had to tell him off. Exaggerating I'm sure but I thibk this kind of behaviour must be saved for me.

Ok a time out when we're out sounds like a good idea and then maybe if he does it again we go home? Or if he won't say sorry?

Nervous the time out will be hard to enforce though since he'll possibly be refuse so will take work and repetition etc. have a baby as well so physically may be tricky!

That's good advice about the going over and saying sorry even if it's me saying it. I'll trybthat.

Thanks so much for help everyone. Went out for the day yesterday and had two minor incidents.

One he hit a friend (but more of a little push rather than the horrid aggression from
Before). We did time out, I explained that if it happened again we would be going straight home and we went and he said sorry to friend.

Got angry with a younger child who was messing up his sandcastle but managed to control situation.

Rest of the day was amazing, shared really well with lots of kids he didn't know, didn't lose temper, behaved nicely even though exhausted from a massive day.

now need to stick to
It!

This sounds fine, he does sound like a lovely little boy. All 3 year olds lose their temper from time to time. They still don't have the language or skills to express frustration in other ways. Or express a lot of what they think or feel - and this takes a long time to develop. E.g. my ds saw images of 9/11 when he was 5, he knew NYC and his Dad was there at the time, close to the World Trade Centre; some of my ds's feelings didn't come out until he was playing with Lego 9 months later.

I used to make mine apologise, and it was the worst punishment ever for them (in fact one you had to make do with her saying "the S word" as she just couldn't say Sorry).

Finally "He's always had excellent speech and is pretty confident and social so I suppose I don't have concerns that there's a deeper problem if that's what you mean." I could have said this about one of my dc at 3, at 9 they were diagnosed with ASD, I'm not even suggesting your son has even a hint, just be aware as some of his little friends may go on to be - understanding is precious.