Help! 18mo has started biting and hitting - how to deal with it? Is it just a phase?

[FlaviaAlbia]

My 18mo DS is usually a happy baby but he's been out of sorts recently. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of getting the 4 back teeth and a bit of a snuffly cold.

Over the last couple of weeks, he's started biting and hitting on purpose if that makes sense, lunging towards me and trying to bite. If I hold him away from me or try to put him down, he'll try to hit me and grab my glasses and throw them away.

It's only me he does it to.

DH and I put him on the ground saying NO! loudly but he tends to just giggle, then we turn our backs and ignore him. Then he starts crying but will come and give us a hug when we turn back. Then sometimes try to bite and hit all over again. DH suggested trying to ignore him longer (about 5 mins) and we tried it but he had full on hysterical gasping sobs and it was awful so I don't really want to do that again.

He's usually such a happy baby, it's horrible to see him like this, but how do you actually get though to an 18mo? He's so young, he doesn't really understand and I know he's probably just frustrated though pain and not being able to communicate but he actually took skin off my shoulder and I'm covered in bruises.

Any advice is very welcome!

What you are doing sounds great! A firm "no hitting/biting" then turn away and pretend to be very busy with whatever. A minute at this age is long enough. Then give big cuddles and move on.

The key is being consistent though so just keep going!

When my DD (22months) was like this we taught her gentle. We taught it to her at a separate time when she was calm. Gentle means calm stroking in our house.

When she hit we would stop her and say, 'no, we're gentle to mummy, remember.' And encourage her to stroke and cuddle instead. If the behaviour continued then we would pop her on the floor at that point.

Now we can just say 'we're gentle' and that's generally ok.

It's worthwhile thinking about triggers too- is it all the time? Or when he's tired? Trying to get attention? Hyped up from playing? When you've been away from him? My DD does it when she gets overexcited playing or when she's not getting enough attention eg I'm on the phone!

No helpful advice, but loads of sympathy as exactly the same is happening with my 20-month DS for the last several weeks. Started out just me, the this past weekend both DH and his closest friend. He has his back teeth coming through, too, and his sleep has gone to rubbish since the clocks went back, so hoping without much conviction that this is due to that and not the start of years of toddlerhood. He has been such a gentle, affectionate little so far - it's taking some getting used to that he'll smack me now. He actually started off doing it when we were cuddling and he was happy and laughing and is only more recently doing it in anger.

We're trying what you're trying - stern "no", on the floor and ignored, then cuddled and made up with. My boy will also hit again just after that - which brings down the red mist for me! We've also talked about "gentle hands" when he's calm and he can do some lovely gentle stroking, but he also seems to think it's a routine now - smack then gentle hands, then smack then gentle hands. Whatever I try, it's only getting worse as is general whininess and tantruming.

If you find anything that works, do let me know!

It's a phase, just keep doing what you're doing. Say "no" put them down & walk away. It gets through eventually.

That said, ds1, 3.5yrs still does it to me on occasion, but it's only when he's tired & I can totally tell by the way he does it, he knows it's wrong. Plus he's never hit, bit etc anyone else but me & oh.

My 15 month old DD has also started doing this, sometimes in anger but sometimes I think its just to see what my reaction is.

DS1 was a terrible hitter but grew out of it by the time he started nursery at 3. Would agree that its probably just a phase and as long as you stick to a firm 'no' etc like all things it'll soon pass

Hi. My daughter is 18mnt and we have been having similar problems here for the last few months. Poor thing got 4 molars followed by canines, endless colds and conjunctivitis and to top it off a new baby brother who is 12weeks old. Hitting and scratching, initially me and my husband but its been happening with the baby and most recently other children at nursery and one incident at play group. Obviously we are mortified, for her and of course her victims more and more I am noticing that it is mainly linked to tiredness and giddiness and sometimes stress. We were using the firm NO, putting her down of turning away for a minute but she started to see it as a game like I climb on the sofa, whack the baby you put me on the floor and repeat. When it started at nursery, they told me they would be shadowing her as there had been a couple of incidents. I called to speak to the manager so I could see what there take on it was and how they responded when it happens so we could follow through at home. They recommend being really calm, obviously trying to anticipate and intervene but if some thing does happen saying in a low voice its okk dd you don't need to do that or be gentle dd that hurts your brother and turning to the person that has been hurt and giving lots of attention. This change of tack had made a massive difference, its so much calmer and though not entirely stopped hugely reduced since peaking about 2 weeks ago. Horrible for everyone though, you have my sympathy but as people keep telling me its a phase many of them go through as they grapple with emotions they can't express or control.

Thank you for the replies and the advice! There's some great ideas I can start putting into practise. I like the idea of teaching him gentle when he's calm and then giving the attention to me when he bites me and just keeping doing what we're doing. Its nice to have reassurance that we're doing OK!

I do think it happens more if he's tired or if he hasn't got all my attention so I'll keep an eye on that and see if I can distract him before it happens or get him to bed sooner. His sleep has been bad with the clocks and his teeth too so that's not helping I guess.

HJBeans yes, that was in my mind too, I keep wondering if he's starting the terrible two's early. My mum assures me that they don't really exist, its just natural development as they grow and change but that's small comfort when you're being bitten!

HotSteppa congratulations on your new DS and I'm glad the biting has peaked for you!

Thanks from me, too, to the other posters. There's some really useful stuff to try here and also, as always, some comfort in knowing others are going through just the same thing. I really like trying a calm "no, you don't need to do that DS" and will see if I can manage it in the heat of an onslaught!

Got through a whole day yesterday with no hitting or tantruming from him and no associated loss of temper from me, so feeling like supermum today. Going to enjoy that while it lasts!