My 3 y.o. melts down if things don't happen as he envisions them

[MrsLissie]

I'm not sure if this is typical behaviour and my DH and I don't think this is just about being manipulative, but our 3.5 y.o. DS will often break into hysterical tears or shut down emotionally if something seemingly trivial doesn't go his way. It can be something as simple as me taking his shoes off instead of DH doing it. Or walking home from nursery via a particular route that he has in mind. Absolutely nothing seems to calm him down except for giving in, often re-doing an action in his preferred method, and then he's totally happy and fine. He isn't able to communicate why he needs something to happen in this particular way. If we stand our ground and don't give in to his way of doing whatever thing he's fretting over, it can result in an hour of drama. What's the best way forward here? In the scheme of things, it's not the worst thing to be straddled with - he's a sensitive and lovely boy, but just would love some insight. Thanks!

Assuming no SEN, you need to prepare him for what is going to happen by telling him/explaining to him what will happen and then you need to stick to it. Every time you give into a tantrum you make the situation worse. Every time you give in you teach him that he just needs to scream for a bit longer and eventually he will win. If he is already a sensitive/anxious child this is not helpful because it's frightening for a child to know that they are in charge, that their will is stronger than their parents.

I'm not saying be dictatorial, obviously you can ask him which way he wants to walk home from school or who he would like to help him with his shoes etc. if the situation allows. BUT if the situation requires a certain course of action then that is what has to happen and he needs to learn that you are ultimately in charge.

Sounds like my DS. We used to say it was as if he had a film in his head of what he thought was going to happen and if reality didn't match the film he didn't know how to cope.

He started improving when he started school and is generally much better now and talking about how he is feeling and what the problem is. Sometimes we have a relapse, but mostly he is like a different child to the toddler years.

I think it is mostly connected to him being a very anxious child, who doesn't trust easily if he has no personal experience of a situation which he finds worrying (so it's very hard to reassure him).

No advice really, apart from being patient and maybe thinking that he is misbehaving out of fear/anxiety rather than naughtiness.

Also, because the distress could carry on for hours and talking/reassuring didn't help, sometimes being firm and hurrying through the tricky situation (ignoring the upset) until we got to a more familiar/less worrying bit meant it was all over quicker and we could move on.

Thanks very much for the feedback. PerspicaciaTic, you hit the nail on the head with the image of the film in his mind. That's just how we see it in our son. Anyhow, thanks for your understanding.

I also think this is very typical 3yo behaviour. We found 3 so much harder than the supposedly 'terrible twos'! I like the term 'threenager' You need big reserves of patience to explain things calmly, ignore bad behaviour when necessary and praise him every time he does something that is remotely an improved reaction. Helping him label his emotions helps, but standing your ground (but also choosing which battles are inportant) also helps. And we always have ds 'notice' about what was going to happen next, who would be doing it and why - e.g. "Daddy will be putting you to bed and reading your story tonight because Mummy will be busy doing x". Good luck!

My almost 3yo is just like this too!

Yup! My 3 yo is like this as well!

If I want to achieve anything, I get him to help write a plan (1. Put shoes on, 2 get in car, 3 go shops 4. Have treat in cafe etc) we tick things off as we happen, and if we need to make a change we add things into the plan - which he finds hilarious for some reason.

I think it's about the world being a bit of a scary place when your 3, and having some control. In my limited experience (I used to be a nanny) boys are worse than girls. Not sure how scientific my straw poll is mind!

My 4 yr old is like this as well. her first reaction to things is to scream and she gets herself a bit worked up. verbal skills aren't great though and rushing about like we do doesn't allow me time to explain or for her to process so it can be hard.

Very typical and really quite frustrating 3yo stuff I think!

Have you read the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen..." ? That talks about validating feelings when something has gone wrong and works well. So you just state, in a sort of sympathetic but matter of fact way "Oh, you wanted to go with Daddy." Don't jolly along and say how much better it was that he went with mummy, or say never mind or try to distract. Just say what he's feeling. "You're sad because you thought you were going with Daddy but Mummy took you instead." Wait for his response. He might cry anyway, but IME they tend to then actually process it - have a little cry, then feel better, and move on to the next thing.

And yes to what everyone else said about letting him know the plan in advance, it really helps. A poster a few years back talked about explaining things in advance really helping with the "WTF-ness of being a toddler" which I thought was a fantastic phrase, it must be quite confusing for them. And always give warning in advance when leading up to a transition (leaving somewhere, going out, going home, etc) to give them a chance to finish what they are doing - don't use minutes because that's meaningless to them but instead use activities. "DS, Mummy is going to [go to the toilet] now, then we're going to [put our shoes on] and then we're going to [go out]. So you have time to [put all of the trains in the sheds] and then you can [play with them] when we get [home]."

Yep my 3yr old does this. He has some specific routines which we are trying to coax him out of as they take ages. My 5yo used to do it but now doesn't so think it's just a phase. I would go with the discussing and preparing him beforehand approach too. Maybe you could make the alternative you want fun in some way? Eg today we will be walking this way because I've seen a great tree to hide behind or something?

Can I also thank you for the word "envision" in your title? It's brightened my morning :o

Perspicacia - the film in the head description is brilliant. I have this too - and I am very very much older than 3! I have just learned not to have a meltdown if things go differently than I imagined. I still catch myself out sometimes, feeling very about something, and realise that it's because I was just expecting something quite different, without realising that I was. It's a very powerful feeling.

My 3 yo does this too as did her big sister before her. Most ridiculous thing was the massive tantrum because the automatic door in the shop opened itself and that was supposed to be my job. She does it more when she is tired. Agree the more you give in the worse it gets and that it is linked to fear / lack of confidence as they realise they are independent of their surroundings. My current frustration is big sisters / grannie etc indulging her when I am being firm to head off the melt down. The more consistently firm and the less I negotiate the more mine accepts that my way is best without all the drama!

I love that you and your three year old get your kicks from adding bits into a written plan twirly! I did develop a massive 'explain in advance' habit, which did sometimes mean I had explained it one way and that's not then what happened. I ended up with a 'let's stay flexible' dance that I still employ when I'm emphasising the joys of doing things an unexpected way round. It's more a move than a dance, to be honest.

Very similar 2.5 yo here. She is generally fine but can get fixated on certain things which then causes great upset when it doesn't pan out at expected.

She was asking for something the other day and I wasn't sure I had understood properly what she wanted and I remember saying to my DH that I wasn't looking forward to the outcome if I had guessed wrong.

I do a running commentary of what is happening and what is happening next so she can prepare herself. If things don't go to her plan I respond as a pp suggested above. Sympathy but moving things along e.g. "It's frustrating isn't it? Never mind. Let's see how quickly we can do blah blah blah"

I ended up with a 'let's stay flexible' dance that I still employ when I'm emphasising the joys of doing things an unexpected way round.

I want one of those!

I am now singing "let's stay flexible" to the tune of "let's get physical" by Olivia Newton John. DS is staring at me in astonishment .

I'm totally making up a dance tomorrow! Awesome

So awesome to have all this camaraderie! I'm practically wetting myself laughing at the thought of flexibility dances and automatic doors.