Can't get my 7 year old to do anything- unless she wants to.

[Shoemakerelves]

Now I know children procrastinate at bedtime and whilst getting ready for school but it really depresses me that after 7 years I still can't just ask DD to come and sit down for dinner and get ready for bed without endless "in a minute", " I just need to do this", "after this game".

Also I just wanted her sister to be able to sit and eat her breakfast in peace and there she was trying to control everything, shove dolls on her face as part of a game they will playing. When I ask her to stop it and let her sister eat in peace, she just says "stop it mummy go away". she is so rude to me and I feel I have no authority over her sometimes. What happens is her sister listens to her over me (soul destroying)

I just want to be able to insist on something happening but don't really know what to do if she refuses. I am seeking parenting help at the moment for this and other issues. I just feel like such a failure that I can't ask my child to do something . Also I don't like having to ask her something ten times and have her ignore me and go on playing with her sister.

Sometimes I feel invisible. Perhaps this is normal.

I know children are supposed to hate being in control but I really have no idea how to get it back.....consequences don't really work with her as I've never found any that would persuade her away from what she would prefer to do

Consequences are not meant to persuade Her, they are meant to punish her! If she shoves her dolly in her sisters face you say if you do it again I will take it away and you cannot have it back until tomorrow or whenever. If she does do it again take it away and DO NOT give it back, no matter what she does. Do this over and over until she gets the message.

You say "if you're not at the table in two minutes I will clear away your dinner". Or " if you don't stop shoving the doll in your sister's face I will take it away" etc. And then carry through with the ultimatum. Every time until there are no dolls left.
Always remember that you are the adult, and in control. DD won't hate you when she's older for being strict now.

Cross posts! 7 year olds in this house don't get asked to do things, they get told to do things.
I'm still a fun mum though!

Could you work on ways of making her want to cooperate?
Give her incentives for complying (if she gets to the table by the time you count to three then she gets to choose a game after tea/bath toy/bedtime story).
Get her to help lay the table...which will a) make sure she is around ready to eat and b) give you something to praise her for doing well.
Praise her when she does what you ask, give her a hug or a pat on the back.
Have simple rules like "no toys at the table" and calmly enforce it, maybe have a small basket that toys get put in before sitting up.
You are the parent. You have a right to expect your DCs to follow your rules. Stay calm, be confident, be consistent, be clear what you want to happen, seek cooperation. It will take some practice but you will get there.

It might just be stubbornness and bad behaviour on her part, but it might possibly also be PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). Look it up and see if any of the other things apply - if they do then there are tactics for managing her behaviours; if they don't, then you need to get stricter with your boundaries for her.

Look at '123 Magic' it's very helpful in this sort of situation.

As previous posters have said. You are the parent. Set the rules. Set consequences. Set the rewards. Follow the rules.

As a parent of teenagers, I recommend you sort this sooner rather than later.

Good luck. It's really tough at times.

Thankyou everyone for your responses. I do know I have to get tough. Ive known for years. This is a deep rooted problem and something in the dynamic of the relationship. I wish I could just tell her what I expect her to do. believe me I praise and praise when she is doing something well.

Thanks Thumbwitches for mentioning PDA as it's something I've always been curious about as DD fits the profile so well. Some in my family (ex) would say it's my lack of parenting skills, a couple of pople have suggested insecure attachment. It's complex but because 1:1 I have no issues parenting DD2 I expect it is a combinatiuon of nurtre and nature.

And yes I know I need consequences but I fear the inevitable standoff . I realise it is the fear controlling me.

Also I never use the threat of taking food away because she is a fussy eating and not that bothered about food anyway. DD sometimes uses the threat of not eating to manipulate me so I can't use food as a consequence. When she doesn't eat her mood deteriorates.

I know I find a way to rationalise everything- sorry!

My DS is the same with food, genuinely not very interested, but becomes foul when hungry (not that he ever admits to feeling hungry). But threaten to reduce his bedtime story from two chapters to one and he becomes desperate to please. I think it is a case of avoiding/distracting/preventing situations before they arise and finding a couple of cast iron consequences that really mean something to your DD, should you need them.

Yes believe me, I do everything I can to minimise and prevent situations before they arise (some would say I am too rigid/controlling)but that is the way I have to be to avoid the alternative. I do appreciate everyones feedback

Parenting classes? If you have known about it for years then do something about it.

yy Parenting classes can be excellent for new ideas and strategies.

"Parenting classes? If you have known about it for years then do something about it."

Its not as simple as that, I was trying to get out of my marriage. I've been asking fore help for a long time from school, GP (who blamed me and marriage breakup), School nurses, I paid privately to see a child psychotherapist for a while. I am in therapy.

I'm at last getting some help from an intervention service and am waiting to be referred

How do you tell her to come to the table? How many times?

I tell the kids "Tea is in 5 minutes. You need to finish what you're doing and come to the table".

If they haven't appeared after 5 minutes; "Tea is ready. If you're not sat at the table by the time I count to 3 then xxx consequence. 1...2..."

You have to choose a consequence that you can follow through with though! It's loss of ipad time with my boys as that's what means the most to them.

Shoemakerelves please don't feel that anyone is judging you, it sounds like you've had a really tough time and every parent I have ever met finds aspects of parenting difficult and overwhelming at times.
It is great that you are hopefully going to be getting to RL support. If your younger DD is under 5yo then you might be able to access support and advice from your local Children's Centre. In fact, our local Children's Centre are great and will point people in the direction of the independently run parenting courses whatever the age of the children (although most parents get in touch directly because they know someone who's already attended a course and think they are great).

I think that you've had lots of questions and possible solutions thrown at you on this thread because every child is different, every family is different and the tip that worked today probably won't work tomorrow (but might work again next week). You are bound to have tried some of it already and not all of the ideas will suit you, your DD or your family.

You might like to look at contacting Family Lives, they offer loads of support and advice to families, online, via a helpline and on other ways www.familylives.org.uk/
Their Parentchannel.tv video clips are really useful and a great way to get a quick boost and a fresh perspective www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/parentchannel-tv/

Parenting is never simple - but you will find ways of making it work for you and your DDs. .

Sorry - that was a bit long