Help with aggressive and stubborn almost 5 year old

[AppleSnapple]

Hello, I wondered did anyone have any advice for me regarding my wonderful, funny, thoughtful, sweet but occasionally downright awful son?! I am at my wits end. I really don't know what I need to do. He just isn't good at managing his emotions, and lately, when I ask him to do something, or particularly to leave somewhere, or depart from friends, he goes completely nuts. His fists clench, he shouts, he hits out at me, scratches my arms and tries to hurt me etc. He's not like this with anyone else (apart from DH to a lesser extent). I have tried being patient, giving him LOTS of warning we're leaving, reasoning with him, being cross with him (this makes me sound v inconsistent- I'm not, really! It's just been going on a while!)

He has never been good at leaving "fun" if you see what I mean, but the aggression is certainly a new thing for the last few months. It's quite embarrassing, when I'm trying to escort a hissing, screaming 5 year old off someone's property.,,

I'd love to hear some ideas, suggestions, anything at all, I would literally do anything if I thought it could help! I am a reasonably strict, but fair parent I think, and in his more rational moments he knows how to behave beautifully- he even said to me this morning "when we go to X's house later, I know we're only Going for a short while and I'm going to leave nicely and not make a fuss!!!!!!!"

Well... He did make a fuss... There was hitting, scratching, shouting, crying... And I had given him a 3 minute, 2 minute, one minute warning etc

Sorry I'm going on. But im desperate! Please somebody have a solution? Thank you!

Well, firstly have you tried talking to him about this behaviour when you're at home and he's calm? I know he's only five, but it might be worth asking him why he gets so upset and seeing what he says. I've found in the past that talking through an episode afterwards and dissecting what happened and why has been helpful and allowed both DC and adult to put their point more effectively than in the heat of the moment.

Have you tried rewards/sanctions? This can be a motivator for many DC who are bad at controlling their emotions.

And finally, if you're really struggling with his behaviour have you thought about discussing it with the health visitor or gp? The physical violence is really not okay and at five he is old enough to understand this. I think I would be seeking help with this aspect, with a view to nipping it in the bud.

Role play?

My lovely, beautiful, intelligent DD (nearly 5) is also a nightmare at times and it is crossing into school :(

Talking about the event and then role playing an alternative is what we are attempting at the moment. Sounds daft I know but it is the only praticle thing I could think of to do to help. It's a bit silly and you both will en up giggling but then you might turn it around to a fun association rather than a stressful one for you both.

Also when in the episode rather than trying to 'solve' it try to help your DS understand what's happening. So 'you are getting really upset now because you don't want to leave, you are crying shouting and hitting mummy because you are so upset about leaving, I understand that and I also don't like leaving fun things but it is NOT ok to hit mummy and it has to stop now'.

I also wonder if you prepare something 'fun' to do for afterwards, nothing major but baking, a magazine, a new book, kicking a ball in garden [what ever he loves to do]. So he has something to go to afterwards. I guess that might give you something to lure him away with, 'come one we've got to bake those cakes now!'

Good luck, these are just suggestions of the top of my head!!!

Thanks Juneau. Yes to the first two, have tried both, we missed something he really wanted to go to recently because of his behaviour. And discussing it- he usually either turns it back on me- it's my fault that I "made" him do x y z, or else he's contrite and says he won't di it again, he was just cross because he didn't want to do x y z.

Re the HV/GP... Maybe that's the next step. Really not sure what gp can do as I sont think its refer-able behaviour, iyswim... I think he's just persistent and strong willed tbh! But am happy to be told otherwise... I am seeing HV for routine check for dd shortly so will ask her for some advice.

Thank you, changeyou, some good ideas there for sure. I guess I'm increasingly aware that although it's his problem/issue, it's also mine as its my responsibility to parent him appropriately such that he doesn't feel he needs to have these melt downs. I will chat to him tomorrow- I did talk to him tonight but I like your role play idea, I think its a good one. Why is he so angry though? I thought we did the testosterone surge last year! It's as if he puts all his frustration, and pent up anger into it and it all comes out against me. IF it's a phase, fine, I can manage it but If not then it's definitely my job to get him through it as I can't have him acting like a horrible teenager when he's still 4!! Good lord what'll he be like at 13?!