6 year old behaviour...have we crossed the 'normal' line?

[missusmrs]

My 6 yr old DS has always had a moody personality. One of my mums first
observations of him was that he wouldn't gives smiles away easily! Everything is a drama - corners on socks, labels in clothes ( all cut out) any new clothes shoes evoke days of crying, temper. If he got wet by accident everything has to come off immediately. If he makes up his mind about something then that's it and no amount of persuasion can change it. I dread each new outing/playdate /holiday as I go uncertain as to what the outcome will be..usually strops, rudeness to others, sulks. I actively avoid indoor play
dates even with his best friend as he becomes horrible. Outdoor dates are
slightly different as he has space so plays and then wanders does his won
thing and then goes back playing again. Most exciting trips out will be
branded stupid or boring before we have left.
He hates all new situations and will either react by crying or being
stroppy. His young cousin on a visit recently asked 'why are always so
moody'? (which led to an explosive reaction needless to say)
He excels in the classroom but only has one close friend with a very similar
temperament, strong willed, explosive temper, stubborn, none of which is ever seen in school. His teachers claims he is pleasant, eager to please and
social able. He adores writing, drawing, art,maths, loves making lists always wants to be organized, have routines. He loves a new star chart/reward systems and reacts great to it for a week maximum until he has his reward and instantly switches character ( hristmas was a prime example of adorable kid for 3 weeks prior and instant change on 26th Dec). He is intelligent and is very loving and cuddly/huugy when he wants to, smart, starting ot be funnyHe can play lovely with his DB aged 4 and most times will be nice aside from normal sibling teasing/fighting etc.
He however is not what I would call 'kind' - he will laugh if someone falls
and doesnt have much empathy for anyone. No end of talking, chatting, books seem to get through.
He is generally happy in himself at home and school just seems to make descions in social settings to be as rude etc as possible. I'm obviously worried as this behaviour cannot be excused for as easily at 6 as it could have been at 2.5( not that it was easy then either!)

His teacher is adamant he has no concerns at all.I suppose I could talk to the health team. We strong on Punishment /consequences but has changed recently as he had started bartering...he proposed winning things back! I realised after a while this meant he could actually act up all he wanted in a situation he didn't like then come home and he would work hard to win back a bedtime story or screen time. So we're back to instant losses too not much long term effect. Both parents are obsessive list makers, organisers so could be learnt....

But there is a generally acceptance seeping in, to wider family included that this is how he is and it sad to watch the distance between relations who just don't want to bother anymore....

My Dd is like your DS Op. She's ten now and is storming ahead academically and after a tricky time in year 3 and 4 is now doing well socially too. I'd say that some kids seem quite "Aspergers-ish" when in fact they're bright, artistic, stubborn and perhaps also somewhat spoiled.

DD is a little spoiled. We've had to work hard to get to where we are now with behaviour.

Try posting this on Special Needs Children board ... someone may recognise his traits and have some good advice

If you are concerned best seek advice from a health professional. Behaviour in school and his teacher's opinion isn't everything. If you are having to change what you're doing as a family at age 6 then that does sound unusual.

I really relate OP. I also have a 6 yr old DS who I've wondered about pretty much since he was born (we have 3 other children). He's also flying at school, his teacher is also adamant there's nothing wrong and says he's 'bright, creative, individual, competitive...'.. We have and always have had the sensory issues, implacable behaviour, discomfort with new situations / people, really big problems with eye contact if he doesn't know someone etc.

I've booked an apt with a private ed-psych, I'm not planning on telling school or our GP at the moment. I just want to know, for me, what his professional opinion is. Mostly I think mrsflannel is right and DS will grow into himself, but I've spent too many nights watching the hours go by worrying about him.

I realise I may not get any answers and in some respects I'm worried that I'm opening a can of worms. I'm guessing if there is an issue, it's probably borderline and not worthy of 'treatment'. DH thinks I'm nuts and is thinking about a career change since finding out how much ed-psychs charge

I think you have some good advice above to post on the SN boards as those behaviours do seem very familiar to me. I would also add that good behaviour at school may just be an enormous strain on a small boy who finds so many things difficult and when he is at home he may need to almost decompress I am very sorry that your family are unsupportive of his differences but I do think for his sake you need to investigate this further.

My DC's moodiness is (mostly!) down to sensory issues, not full-blown SN but certain things that annoy/irritate and will ruin a day.

Unfortunately family relationships have been damaged now and the "moody" label applied before diagnosis is very difficult to shift.

I also thought Asperger's when I read the OP. DS was very similar as a toddler, preschooler etc. He is 6.6 now. There was always something that could be influencing his behaviour thiugh - inwavpg, he was ill, DH was working away, we had another baby, I went back to work. I raised it with my HV when he was 3 and she said she wouldn't consider diagnosing behavioural issues until he was 7. At 5.5 I raised it again with his teacher and our GP. GP was useless and just said school needed to deal with it.

School were brilliant. Got him on CAMHS waiting list for assessment straight away, got school nurse and SENCO involved and put interventions in place at school. DH and I worked closely with school and did similar at home. Lots of rewards, sticker charts, encouragement, confidence building, thinking about a situation before it happens (who would you like to play with at break time ?; it's pasta or fish fingers for lunch today; this morning you've got a swimming lesson, then Granny is coming over for tea) and debriefs when it goes wrong (I know x was annoying you, I understand why, but you hit him and hurt him. Let's talk about how to react next time...).

18 months later his behaviour is completely unremarkable. Generally good, can be stubborn, grumpy when tired etc. Just normal, age-appropriate behaviour. I think he just struggled with controlling his emotions in unfamiliar situations, and has now built up an "arsenal" of appropriate reactions. He suffers from sensory overload too - a bit AS too, but not requiring intervention. He's not great at eye contact because he "sees too much it makes my head spin". If he has a hood he'll always wear it, again, keeping senses at bay.

It is very much worth pursuing assessment and help eith your DC's behaviour, OP. It has turned our family around. Ds would have me in tears several times a day, now we even have days without raised voices.

Thank you all so much lots of advice given and will look at best option to explore. I'm slightly worried like you Storm15 of opening a can of worms but then Bikerunski your experience sounds so positive. So many similaities in many examplws above inc eye contact, hugging, wears hood up when he has chance! Thank you I needed to write it down and get feedback...DH also thinks I'm crazy and its just naughtiness etc.

A health professional won't find anything if there is nothing to find .. if you get my meaning, so there shouldn't be a can of worms. Early diagnosis for any behavioural condition is key to a better prognosis ....