we have tried everything and it's just not helping

[asleep]

DD is 5. since the birth of DS in june our relationship has changed a lot. we used to be very close. she used to hug me and say 'i love you' very often. that dropped down to virtually nothing. lately she has been screaming, shouting, hitting me, slamming doors, grunting, lying to us etc. mostly it's like she just has a switch flicked inside her. she goes really crazy. things that set her off aren't particularly provoking: i called the table in the kitchen the 'dining table' instead of just 'table' or i didn't understand a certain thing she said to me. today i picked her up from school, asked her calmly to get her cardigan out of her tray before we went home and she started shouting at me. other parents were shocked and commented on how terrible it was and i was quite embarrassed about some of the things she screamed at me. we have tried reward systems, time out, ignoring, giving lots of positive attention and one-on-one time and all the other positive parenting things. i've even smacked her in desperation, which i feel awful about. we realise it's all for attention, but we feel like we've tried everything and i feel so lost. i'm sat here sobbing as i type as i just want my little girl back who used to love me so much and tonight she shouted at me that she didn't love me anymore and it really hurt even though i'm sure she didn't really mean it.

You may be linking this entirely to the birth of the baby when in fact it's got more to do with going to school. It's really hard for a 5 year old, and your dd has the added trauma of a new baby and knowing that when she's away at school you're home with the baby. There have been a few desperate- sounding mums posting similar threads lately.
I would try to be very calm (not easy I know) keep telling her how clever she is - give her lots of praise for things she can do and point out that the baby can't do those things.
Take her out for special treats without the baby - maybe to choose a new outfit for you and for her.

thank you for replying, fortyplus.

it's true, she has had her whole world turned upside down this year. she is doing well at school, but the temper is a problem there too as the teachers mentioned it. they described it as it happens at home: like a switch from being normal to angry. they used to example of her freaking out and when they ask what's wrong it was because she didn't have a pencil.

I've got a five year old DS2 and I do think it's a lot to do with being five! Try and chill out a bit and don't fret that it's all connected with the new baby. Agree with fortyplus - keep calm and try some outings without the baby.

Have you asked her what is wrong and why she is feeling like this? I realise she is only 5 but you may be surprised by what she says and how emotional she is.

My dd is 6 and ds2,we have had similar kind of stuff.I try and talk to dd as much as possible.

Hope this helps

the other day we watched a dvd of her when she was a baby and toddler. she cried in the middle of it and got really upset as she saw this particular photo. it was of DP, DD and me on a ride at a fair and she said the reason it upset her was because we all looked so cute and happy and mostly because i was smiling. she mentions this quite often lately. that she feels that she can't make me happy anymore, not smile anymore. and that DS does/can. but of course all this screaming and shouting at me doesn't exactly make me do smile! i do try to be positive and i found shouting or making a big drama of it makes it all a lot worse.

She sounds a bit like my ds1 - he puts huge amounts of pressure on himself because he is a perfectionist and if the slightest thing doesn't go to plan it's a major disaster.

Honestly - mine are 11 & nearly 13 and I think it's only when you look back that you realise how much is expected of them at such a young age.

It's really important that you keep reinforcing the message of how much you love her, and praise her. Share special times with her and as notasheep says - it's good to talk to her about her feelings and make sure she knows she's not being 'bad'- try to understand how emotional she's feeling. She will still shout and scream at you sometimes because she's on safe ground - but she'll probably soon learn not to do it at school.
And one more idea... our sweet little cherubs go off to school and see other children behaving in an aggressive/violent/emotional way. So it's more than likely that they see that sort of behaviour getting a reaction and have a go at trying it out themselves. Kids aren't daft, are they?

thank you
i will show DP this thread so he can read all this good advice too.

[waves at hoxty]

Oh God, wrong thread, been off mumsnet for two weeks and forgotten how to do it ...

lol

just an update. DP and i found your advice very helpful. we have been trying to not shout anymore and give her more positive attention. we are also working on anger management with the school as things escalated there yesterday as she lost it and hurt three children.

Message withdrawn

she was lovely yesterday afternoon and this morning she had a bit of a moment, but it passed straight away when DP and i didn't make a fuss about it. we're going to try to do activities with her that she really likes (anything creative is her favourite). i hope that our new attitude helps. will see how she behaved in school today and tomorrow as the weekend is usually the worst for tantrums at home as boredom doesn't help matters.

It's a shame babies don't come with an instruction manual! Sounds as though you're already seeing some positive changes, which is great.