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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Has she not bonded with me?

15 replies

YellowTangerine · 06/04/2015 04:49

My DD is 3 months old. I'm lying awake feeling heartbroken.
The reason is my DD is very smiley and giggly for everyone except me. I feel like it's because she doesn't like me. I try my best to make her smile or laugh and I get nowhere whereas DP only has to look her way and she's smiling. I feel like everyone notices this and must think I'm.a terrible mother.
Has anyone got any advice or experienced anything similar?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 06/04/2015 05:08

It'll be because she's comfortable with you, she can just 'be' iyswim.
You're the most important thing in her world still

PomeralLights · 06/04/2015 05:23

My dd went through this between 2-3 months. MIL says SIL was like it for whole first year!
Some babies do this and it is upsetting, no getting away from it. However it is also very common, so no one will be judging you, if that helps.

purplemurple1 · 06/04/2015 05:34

Also i dont think they undetstand you are a seperate person at that age so smiling at you would be like you smiling at your owm arm.

TeamEponine · 06/04/2015 05:45

Exactly what purple said! You could actually view what she is doing as evidence for her being well bonded to you as she doesn't even realise you're a separate person.

My DD went through a stage of this, and now she is six months and still giggles more at DH, but there is a certain look she gives me that is so intense and loving I'm certainly not worried about bonding.

Also, bonding isn't just about the smiles. A big indicator is who can most easily settle her if she is upset.

You are not a terrible mother, and I'm sure no one thinks that of you.

Queazy · 06/04/2015 14:12

My dd was exactly like this, and I remember feeling sad about it. I spent all my time with her tho, and I think they are more likely to smile at novelty/something different. I honestly think she thought of me and her as being the same person until 9-10mo when separation anxiety crept in.

Longtalljosie · 06/04/2015 14:16

There's a book about introverts called Quiet. In it, it cites a study in which babies which are more chatty / move more are more likely to be introverts. Because (and this is the point) they are reacting when they are a bit stressed. She's not unhappy with you. She's relaxed with you. World of difference. Trust in your relationship. Tiny babies love their mums so much they don't see them as distinct from them....

Original poster

YellowTangerine · 06/04/2015 14:29

Thanks everyone. After reading this today's been so much more relaxed. I usually try so hard to make her laugh or smile but today I have just been enjoying being around her. Feel so much better thank you.

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 07/04/2015 18:06

I had this! I read up about it - it's really common that they smile at everyone else but not their mother, apparently because they don't recognise the mother as a separate person?
When I spoke to my own mom about this, when I was upset, she asked me a very practically useful question -"Do you smile at her?" What she meant was, was I so stressed and worrying all the time about dd at that age, that I probably looked really serious a lot of the time when I looked at her, whereas everyone just smiles at the nice cute baby. It made me think, and I made a conscious effort to smile at her (even when I was stressed/worried), and it did make a difference. Not saying this is the case for everyone.
Good luck!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 07/04/2015 19:31

My DD definitely went through this stage, everything DS did provoked smiles and laughter whereas she'd just stare blankly at me. Like others have said its very common and actually means she's bonded with you strongly most of all

Joyfulldeathsquad · 07/04/2015 19:34

Yes to purple!

My dd (22 months) would go to anyone else during the day BUT come tired time, wake up in the night, falling over, bringing flowers too weeds it's me. I can cope with that

callamia · 07/04/2015 19:35

I remember crying because my baby would smile at his dad and not me. He cried at me. He also learned to say dada about three months before mama. None of it was about bonding, I was just a constant, so I didn't seem to need a name or a smile. We are well bonded, and I realise those early fears were more about me being tired and fraught with the newborn experience. Don't worry - your baby will adore you.

BucketFullOfDinosaurs · 07/04/2015 19:36

DS did this on me But now he's come round (8 months). At night he only wants me, in fact!

Plateofcrumbs · 07/04/2015 19:43

Yes I remember this phase - now DS (8mo) will hold his arms out imploringly at me if someone else is holding him, and hugs tight when he's a bit stressed, it has to be mummy! So don't worry!

nutmegandginger · 08/04/2015 19:38

Yes this is normal. My DD does smile at me but not as much as she smiles at dh ( who she thinks is completely hilarious), my parents, my brother etc. My mum made the point about her not yet realizing she's separate. She also pointed out (and I think this is true) that because I'm with her all day she is used to seeing me, and she tends to smile when she catches sight of someone. Your baby does love you very much.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 08/04/2015 19:42

Totally agree with what purple said!

I have just put down a great book on child behaviour (related to my work). One quote "what does the baby see when he or she looks at the mother's face. I am suggesting that ordinarily what the baby sees is himself or herself".

You and your baby are so enmeshed that her awareness of you as a person is only just developing and emerging .

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