9 year olds behaviour!

[Tillytoes14]

Hi, I have a 9 year old son who is a well-behaved boy most of the time, but recently his behaviour has started to become unacceptable. The main issue we have is listening, our son often refuses to listen to us, often his eyes will wander around the room when we are talking to him, or he will carry on playing, completely oblivious to us, or try and walk away. We have been sending him to his bedroom, after a warning, but it's not making a huge difference and he often says he likes being in his bedroom and will play with his toys whilst he's there. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can improve his listening skills? It was also mentioned at school during parents evening, that recently his listening skills have been poor, he has also started to become immature recently, often acting aloof and using inappropriate language at the dinner table. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions on how to deal with this behaviour? Thanks in advance!

I would not let me 9 year old DS "refuse" to listen to me. I would wait, stood in front of him, hands on hips, giving him The Stare, lips pursed, periodically saying "I am waiting for you to have enough respect for me to look at me and listen when I am talking to you".

Que eye rolling and stroppy sideways look, but it still gets the message across that you are The Boss, regardless of him trying it on. And that acting with manners and respect is not optional or negotiable.

FATEdestiny-I ask him to look at me and listen, but he doesn't do this very often recently and sometimes he does then looks away again and shows dis-interest in what I'm saying, so I follow through with a time-out. I count to three, if he refuses any eye-contact and walks away, he is sent to his room. Sending him to his room on each occasion though, is having little affect.

I wouldn't be sending him to his room, or time out, or anything like that. All that does is reinforce that he doesn't have to listen to you if he doesn't want to - that he can be rude and get sent elsewhere - so he's not had to listen anyway.

I would just stand my ground and wait.

If he looks, then looks away (not all that unusual when you have a pre-teen testing boundaries) then you give clearer instructions. Rather than saying "Look at me and listen", say "When I am talking to you, you will look at me. Do you understand?". Stare, wait.

You are not asking him. You are telling him. You are teaching him what is acceptable behaviour. He will have to behave in this respectful way to teachers at school, you deserve the same (if not more) respect.

FATEdestiny-Sometimes he just completely refuses and I have been stood for ten minutes if not longer waiting for him to look and listen and he will during that time continue to look away and fiddle with whatever he has in his hand, yesterday he was muttering words under his breath whilst I was waiting for him to look and listen and sometimes he will completely walk out of the room. I do find it very dis-respectful, but unsure of how to cope with such behaviour, most of the time he is pleasant and polite, but at the same time he is being dis-respectful!

Does he genuinely hear you when you are asking him to do something?
We have been yelling at ds for about 4 years to "listen to me" and it turns out he has moderate hearing loss and needs gromets. He has only just been diagnosed by the gp after a year of me taking him to the doc.

Having said that he could just be ignoring you - I swear ds does that too and then half an hour later says oh I didn't hear you mum!

Consequences other than time out in his room then for not listening and being rude. So favourite game confiscated, not allowed to go to play football with friends or screen time limited might work?

It's so frustrating when they ignore you. I wonder if it's a boy thing as dd never does this!

Purplehonesty-I think his hearing is fine, although he had hearing problems when he was younger due to glue ear. I think he's just pushing his boundaries with us and doing the whole selective hearing, he also is a big day-dreamer, so I also think he finds it hard to focus at times, but it's no excuse of course. I agree, it is extremely frustrating at times. I may try taking some of his computer time away, as he generally looks forward to an hours game play every day. Thank you for all responses, all have been very helpful :-)

watching this thread with total interest. Does your DS have any learning difficulties? Mine does - poor working memory and auditory processing. I do have to be very concise and clear. (still doesn't work though)

I am also interested in this as my DC also has selective hearing. Even asking her to do simple things like hang coat up or pass me something, I have to ask at least 5 times. Dc is like this all the time and never does anything when they are first asked .

So, he's a big daydreamer and finds it hard to focus at times. He looks away, fiddles and avoids eye contact. He mutters under his breath and sometimes walks away. He behaves inappropriately at the dinner table and displays immature behaviour. School have mentioned issues so it's not just at home. He is happy when he is alone in his bedroom. However he is generally a well behaved boy.

I would want to work with the school to see if their is something more going on here and I don't think it would be unreasonable, with the above issues, to ask for a paediatric assessment. From what you have said I'm would not be convinced that this is just bad behaviour or testing boundaries. Have you tried sitting him down at a good time and speaking to him about his "ignoring you", if he has any idea why he does it and how he feels when you are trying to speak to him?

Eva50-He has seen a paediatrician in the past, as he gets tics quite frequently particularly when he's tired/stressed/anxious, nothing else was noted and school have never mentioned any other concerns, just that he struggles to listen and his behaviour can be immature at times, but she's also said a few others in the class displayed similar behaviour at times. He didn't speak properly either until he was about 4 and needed some help with pronunciation, he also has language delays now, but we are going to see if we can pay for a private speech therapist, as the waiting list through the school requires a long wait, (due to limited funding). He's not aggressive or physical either, he just has a problem with attention and listening.