Managing emotions: 4yo can't at all. What do I do?

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Ds is 4, will be 5 in August and is the youngest in his class. I went to a stay and play session today and I was shocked at his behaviour towards his friends. He was snatching, hitting, screaming, crying (fake and real tears) and doing everything in his power to avoid sharing. He's very competitive and hates not winning, and also seems very possessive of things in school so when he loses or has to share then he gets angry. He also has very little patience, which again leads to anger. I'm ashamed to say that he just doesn't seem like a nice child at all in school, which is not how he behaves at home.

He was an only child until late last year so I know social interaction is relatively new to him, but I was wondering if there is anything I can do to help him handle his emotions better or encourage sharing?

I spoke to the teacher and asked if he was always like this and they said yes but he's got loads better since September apparently.

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Sounds toe curling awful OP, could you ask to see the teacher to arrange some strategies together. It sounds like they've been trying to curb his behaviour on their own for some time but it'll be much more effective together with you. As a first step it's time for lots of family board games so he can have lots (and lots) of practice at losing.

I would ask for a meeting with his teacher and voice your concerns, then you can make a plan with them on how to tackle his behaviour.

You sound worn out
My son is much the same and it's exhausting!

I had a youngest in the class 4 year old boy and it was horrendous. It is a difficult time when a lot is expected of them and they can be really exhausted by school. When he comes home exhausted he presumably has to share you with new sibling - that is really tough too. He will grow up and it will get easier for him. If he's got loads better since September then it's reasonable to expect that he will continue to get better. Just try to give him plenty of chances to socialise (not necessarily official "playdates", but having visitors/visiting family and friends/going to places where he will meet other children - whatever comes most naturally to you as a family).

I see the lack of patience and competitiveness with my DS who is 4 and I think that's normal. Being the oldest or only may contribute to struggling to share I guess. I'd focus on the sharing and reward good behaviour as his sibling grows.

Thanks for the replies. Lots of board games planned in for the Easter holidays to help with losing and sharing.

I am hoping it's just his age and he will grow out of it. I asked the teacher if there is anything I should do but he said it will just take practice. I certainly hope so!

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I just read a book called The Whole Brain child by Dr Daniel Siegel and Dr Tina Bryson which has some helpful strategies for encouraging emotional maturity to develop.

Don't panic!!! DS was the same in Reception (he is year 1) and he is the eldest in his year.

At the start of the second term of Reception I spoke at length to his teacher and TA. The SENCO was involved a little too, but at arm's length. They put in place an "Indiviual Educational Plan" (IEP) / baficslly a plan to help him mansgr his behaviour with lots of encouragement, reminders, help from staff to find play mates, sticker charts. We reviewed it every half term, but it never actually changed.

His behaviour changed gradually throughout Reception and was brilliant when he started Y1. His IEP went with him into Y1 but was not realky necessary any more and we stopped it at Christmas.

DS's teacher last year was an NQT but the class TA was very experienced. She was saying its not unusual for children to be overwhelmed by the social side of starting school, even if they are brilliant academically. Schools are there to help! Let you child start school and see how he gets on. Will he do a slow start? Half days etc? It may be worth expressing your concerns to the teacher at any pre-start meeting yiy may have, or when he starts. If you are still concerned after half term then make an appointment to see your DC's teacher to talk through your worries.

Uoyr fon might also mature a lot over the summer! Children can surprise us so much.

I have a similar problem with 4yo DD. She holds it together in school (she's pt) but is God awful outside

Am reading The Explosive Child ATM as nothing else so far (lovebombing, timeouts, praise / ignoring, consequences/ rewards, stupid sticker charts) has had an effect on her behaviour.... as you point out what they need is help dealing with emotions.

We are working on the turtle technique ATM but she's usually too overwhelmed by her emotions to even manage that!

I
I really think this one is just a question of time. Dd2 will be five in October, and until a couple of months ago was very explosive, and was tantrumming several times daily. She just stopped without us changing anything. She just took a bit longer to mature than some of her peers I think. It's bloody hard while you wait for them to get it though.

My youngest was also unable to contain his own emotions at this age, and with 2 older siblings he certainly wasn't getting his own way all the time at home.

One thing that improved his behaviour was feeding him more - he has a very fast metabolism and breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner were not enough. He ate breakfast early (before 6:30am), so he used to snack as we walked up to school at 8:30am or in the school yard whilst waiting for the bell... cheese and crackers, muesli bar, sandwich - anything really. Then school provided fruit (he was fussy, so often didn't eat that) mid morning, but he could get out some dried fruit from his bag if he didn't like the school fruit.

Then feed again as they walk out the classroom door, before the "how was your day" questions etc.!

His behaviour improved tremendously. Just another angle to look at it from.

Thank you for the book suggestions I'll look into those.

Jenny I wonder could hunger be it? He is constantly telling me he is hungry. His first words when finishing a meal I are "what can I have now?" But he's still fussy so I have been putting it down to him trying to get something "nicer" than what we've given him rather than actual hunger. Before school he often gets porridge and a banana then will be bugging me for some toast or whatever I'm having for breakfast. I'll see if feeding him more could help. Thank you so much for posting!